Emotion Processing for Adults
00:00:00 Alyssa
You're listening to Voices of Your Village, this is episode 200! That's insane 200 episodes. Wow, thank you for being on this journey with us. In this episode we're chatting about emotion processing for adults. What does it look like for us to do this work? If you want more support in doing this work, I have a re-parenting class for you, where I guide you through through how to take what you're bringing from your childhood and your social programming, and really get to know it and build awareness and self regulation so that you can live with intention. Head on over to seedandsew.org and check out our classes jump on into our re-parenting class today. All right, folks, let's dive in.
00:00:56 Alyssa
Welcome to Voices of Your Village, a place where parents, caregivers, teachers and experts come to support one another on this wild ride of raising tiny humans. We combined decades of experience with the latest research to create the modern parenting village. Let's dive into honest conversation about real parenting challenges, so it doesn't have to be this hard. I'm your host, Alyssa Blask Campbell. .
00:01:26 Alyssa
Welcome to Voices of Your Village everybody, today we're hanging out and talking about adult emotion processing. So often I hear things like, oh, man, I just exploded at my tiny human. Or how do I navigate these hard feelings like I didn't get this skillset growing up. And now I'm supposed to teach this to a tiny human, but I don't know it. And the truth is, you can't teach what you don't know. So huge part of us teaching this to the tiny humans is building our own tool boxes, and it won't be perfect, and it'll be messy, and that's fine, but they're going to do what they see more than what you tell them to do. So if, when you have a really hard emotion, you explode and blow up and scream, when they have a really hard emotion they're going to do that too, even if you're like, "What's going to help you feel calm?" In that moment, they're going to do what they see more than what we say. And so we can be using all the right language. But if we're not modeling this, it's not going to go very far.
00:02:42 Alyssa
So a huge part of this is building our own toolbox. So I reached out to you all with some questions on like, what do you want here? What are your biggest pain points around this? And I'm going to go right through these questions today. The first thing that I got was,
00:03:36 Alyssa
"I want to know how I can be more patient, calm and in control, when shit hits the fan."
00:03:36 Alyssa
And you know what? This is so much deeper, right? Like I wish there was like a magic potion that I could be like, oh, just do this. But in actuality, I think what happens a lot is that we think we're being patient with kids. But really, we're just like moving the boundary for them. And then eventually we explode, because we've moved the boundary all day long, and now they keep pushing it, and we're really frustrated. And so we explode. And instead I want to focus on, did you set a boundary? Great? Then let's hold it. You might have a kid throwing a tantrum because you're holding it, but you're going to see them pushing the boundary less and less and less and less. If you're consistently holding these. I honestly don't think patience is what's going to get you through parenthood. Personally, I'm not a very patient person I can, well, I would say, blow my lid for sure. And I just am not. Again, in general. I have often a different timeline than everybody around me, and I just want to get things done and like, move on to the next thing, And let's go. And so with the tiny humans, if I'm relying on patience, I'm probably going to start yelling before 9 am. Maybe if I'm real lucky before, like 11. But if we're relying on patience to get us through, I think we're setting ourselves up for failure there. So instead I want to be looking at. Are we holding the boundaries? If you haven't yet tuned in to episode number 78 the biggest game changer in my emotion processing, its huge guys like I dive in-depth there, what played and plays such a huge role in my ability to in the moment say, oh, man, like that was not my expectation. And now I'm really frustrated, or whatever the feeling is there. But this thing that I dive into in that episode is huge. So go tune in to that one for sure. Expectation man, are you setting a boundary expecting that your kids going to say, great, I can't wait to follow it? Then it, you're probably going to feel really frustrated when they don't follow it. Guys. Kids aren't just going to follow your rules and boundaries. They're gonna push back to see if it's real. So when you set it, you have got to be prepared for them to push back and like expecting that, so that you're not just constantly annoyed that they're pushing back against the boundary. And instead, you're like, oh, yeah, I knew that was coming. I am ready to respond in this manner. This is also why you can't make what some people call empty threats, quote, unquote, which is just like a boundary that you're not going to enforce. If you say, hey, if you don't stop doing X, Y and Z, We're going to leave this birthday party. You better be ready to leave this birthday party, because if not, what you're doing is setting up a boundary that you're not going to enforce. And then you're going to be really frustrated when your kid tests you and pushes that boundary to see if you're going to leave that birthday party. If you are prepared to enforce it, go right ahead and set it. But if you're not going to enforce the boundary, don't set it. It's got to be something you are comfortable enforcing, because that's how kiddos know what to expect from us. It's how they build trust with us. What they learn is that when we say this, we mean it, we're going to do it, and they know they can trust us. They can trust us to hold the boundary. They can trust us. When we say in two minutes, I'm going to come play with you. They can trust us, because when we have said something we have followed through with it, we were consistent. But if you're setting boundaries that you aren't going to enforce or you're setting them expecting your kids just follow them because you set them y'all, you are going to blow your lid. It is going to be very frustrating very often.
00:07:10 Alyssa
Another one that kind of goes hand in hand with this that I got was, "Why can I be Mary Poppins most of the time, and then completely lose my cool? What is my trigger, and what can I do to understand my trigger/avoid it, or how to react differently?"
00:07:25 Alyssa
Yeah, pay attention to that, I think often on, like I just said, I think for so many people, it's expectations figuring out like, what did you expect to have happen in that moment? It might not be something you're like doing right now. In the moment It might be something that afterwards, You say, alright, that didn't go as planned. Like, what was my expectation? What did I expect to have happen? How did we veer from the expectation? And how can I set myself up differently next time? Or what should I expect next time that's different so that I'm prepared to respond instead of react. For me, I often, it's easy for me to lose my cool when, I guess two things, when I feel like I have been really kind, or like, we got to do something fun or out of the ordinary, like nice or it, kind of like a bonus thing, right? Like, and then kids want more or they're rude after. I'm just like, man, I wish they were grateful instead of greedy here. And also no, I know that as one of my triggers. And so when I'm going in and I'm doing the bonus, nice thing like, we're gonna go have, watch a show together like that I know they love, or we're going to go of a special trip or special play time, just the two of us, Whatever it is, We're going to do something special that's out of the ordinary together. And I feel like I've either carved out time to do this with them, or I feel like I was thoughtful in making this happen. Then I have to know like there's a chance that they're going to want more or that they won't feel grateful about it. And I have to be prepared for that. It's something that it's, I would say, still something that I'm working on, that I have to remind myself of over and over, like going into things. When I start to notice It's all self-awareness. So there are four components to emotional intelligence. And first and foremost, is self-awareness. We have to start to be aware of what our triggers are. What our expectations are, what our routine as in patterns are what our fears are. And for me, one of the triggers is when kids aren't being grateful, I think, because I don't know, I think like I was raised in a low-income family. I know I was raised in a low-income family. And so we didn't just like go out to restaurants. You didn't get things like chocolate milk or whatever. Like we didn't go to the movies as a family there weren't these things that now, when I'm doing something with a kid that I, It's like for me in my childhood would have been a special treat, whether it's like a physical treat or like a treat in terms of like going to the movies together, like having special time together. I am like, man, I would have killed for that as a kid, and they're just taking it for granted. So I think like that's my own work that I have to do. And it's not on this kid. So figuring out like paying attention self-awareness is really like mindfulness is super buzzwordy. And it really just is like paying attention, noticing what is fueling your fire here. So start to do that, and you will quickly learn like, oh, what is my trigger? And you can ask yourself those questions afterwards, like, what was I really afraid of there? Or what was I really annoyed by there? And you can start to break down what your triggers are. And then what happens from there is then you can start to self regulate. Then when I'm going into a situation where I know I'm going to do something with her for a kid that they might take for granted, And I might feel frustrated by. I'm already using mantras in my head to prepare myself for that. So that I know how I'm going to respond. If I feel like they're being greedy and not grateful, right? Like I'm preparing myself. It's like pre-teaching like we do for kids. When we're going into a situation, We want to prepare them. I'm doing in that same thing for myself around my triggers and trends. And what often happens is like you'll do this one thing once you have the self-awareness, and then you build the self-reg, and you can pre teach and coach yourself and like, build these mantras, prepare yourself to respond. Then it'll stop being a trigger for you eventually Like then it becomes pretty natural for you to then respond instead of reacting those moments, and then you'll find new triggers. Don't you worry. We are all Being stuff from our childhoods and from our life experiences into adulthood, and it's messy. And no, it's not the same for anybody. And so what works for your partner, or your best friend, or your sister, or your mom might not work for you, because your triggers and trends and habits are going to be different. And what makes you tick might not be what makes your best friend tick. And that's okay.
00:12:36 Alyssa
"I'm decent at this with rest And good self-care balance, but during sleep, deprivation stage and or illness, I feel like I'm less likely to put the energy into fully processing emotions. What are some things adults can do with processing emotions in the exhaustion stage?
00:12:53 Alyssa
This is really hard, because we know, just like in the triangle of growth that I've talked about here before, we're when I'm looking at kids and assessing kids, I'm really looking at emotional development, sensory development and language development. And that's kind of it really early on. And so we know that sensory systems play such a big role in emotional regulation. This is why we have terms like hangry, right where, when your sensory systems dysregulated and you're hungry, It's really hard to be in a rational brain where you can say, oh, I know I'm hungry, but like I'm really ready to communicate with kindness to you like it's very hard when you are dysregulated. Often, what I'll I try to do is if you're in a sleep deprivation stage, I want to say, like it doesn't have to be that way for the most part, like newborn phases one thing. And we can talk about how you get your village involved so that you have support there. But beyond that, we have so many parents who are operating from a place of sleep deprivation that don't have to be. I know that they're going to be a lot of feelings when people hear that, pay attention to it, Build your self-awareness. Let me know, I just triggered in you, and we can talk about it. If we're talking about illness like a kid sick, you're sick, etcetera. Honestly, what I'd say is like, you're going to kind of survive this in a way where, like I will catch myself or I'm like gosh, I'm really exhausted, or I just don't feel great or whatever. And I'm just being an annoying human like I'm annoying to be around, because I'm nitpicky. And every little thing is a big thing. And all that jazz. And as Zach's editing this, he's probably like nodding head. Yes, like yes, preach sister! I can back this up. But what I have been working on and what is definitely a work in progress is noticing when I'm being really annoying and getting to a place where I can say like, I'm really tired, and or I'm not feeling great, I'm just going to go lay down, for me I need to separate myself as much as possible, or just say as little as possible. So even with kiddos, I've just been like, you know what I'm going to read over here, or I'm just not as engaging during that time, because it's harder for me to bring my A-game. And I'm probably not going to add a whole lot of goodness, and the illness periods are temporary, right? So hopefully fingers crossed. I guess that really came from a place of privilege for me to be able to say that, in my experience, the illness has been temporary. If you are dealing with prolonged illness. Well if I first of all like therapy for sure, working with a child life specialist for sure who can support you with like the range of emotions and will come with prolonged illness So that you have a space of support and expression and coping outside of your family, outside of your kids being responsible for that.
00:16:13 Alyssa
"What about when mom or dad is going through a big life change? Say, oh, I don't know, losing their job and struggling to find a new one." I'm chuckling in my voice, because I know the gal who posted this, and that's where she is. "I've definitely found myself struggling to keep my cool the way I used to now that I have this black cloud, constantly hanging over me."
00:16:34 Alyssa
Fear is a real doozy, right? Like when you are afraid of what's next, what does this mean financially? Was does this mean logistically? Am I going to find a job? Am I going to find a job I like, what are we going to do for our family unit? What about paying for childcare? I don't want to be a stay-at-home parent, but I can't find a job that I like, how we going to pay for this. All of those things like I hear you, fear sucks. And really the best tool you can do right now, or work on right now is acknowledging that fear, recognizing it, either, journaling about it, finding a therapist to talk to about it, but acknowledging it bring awareness to like, Yeah, I'm really afraid about what this means without trying to fix it. Really, just like this is where I am, right? Now and then tapping into coping strategies to help yourself through this, like making sure you are exercising, making sure you're getting sleep, making sure you're drinking enough water, making sure you're physically taking care of your body, keeping your sensory systems regulated and making sure, like, obviously, exercise, going to produce endorphins and oxytocin, you're going to help regulate your systems as well. But really focusing on your own physical and mental health While you're in this transition phase. And a huge part of that is saying, like, man, I'm afraid of what this means. Being in the unknown is scary and turning to your partner and saying that and acknowledging for your partner like I know this is scary for you too man, I know that we'll figure this out. I know that we will get to a place where it's not so scary, but right now it sucks, really being able to have an honest conversation with yourself and your partner is a great place to start.
00:18:32 Alyssa
Someone said, "Just all the tips, really, how to backtrack when you just reacted instead of responded, how to handle learning and teaching these skills at the same time."
00:18:41 Alyssa
Oh, I love that acknowledgement how to handle learning and teaching these skills at the same time. A huge part here is knowing this is not about perfection. It is about intention. The more you do this in, the more you practice this and the more you commit to this, the easier it gets, the more this becomes something that feels natural to you to do, guys. I am not designed this way that you see me now, right? Like I am naturally for sure, a yeller. I'm a reactor all day. I was very much raised in a you're okay, pull it together. This is is not that bad, like you're fine mentality As so many of us were. This did not come naturally to me. This is something that I've had to work on, and we'll continue to work on. And by work on, I mean, like, there are things every single day that I do, Because I know that when I do them, it's easier for me to show up and respond instead of react like every single day I drink a crap ton of water, because I know that when I don't and I'll feel great every single day, I write down five things that I'm grateful for, because I know that it's a key component to happiness. And when I reflect on things that I'm grateful for, I'm training my brain to look for things that I'm grateful for every single day in the middle of the day for just five minutes. I close my eyes without a phone, and I just breathe and I not. I don't judge myself if I'm thinking about things, that's fine. I just want five minutes of breathing with my eyes closed with no screens, where I'm not doing quote-unquote anything productive, right? Like, if we can feel like I don't have five minutes, I have to check this thing off my to-do list friend. There will always be something on your to-do list. If you don't prioritize you, no one else is going to do it for you. So as you're learning this, it's figuring out what helps you show up as the human you want to be, and do it. Do it unapologetically, have enough respect for yourself and love for yourself to say, I'm worth five minutes. I'm worth carving this out for.
00:21:23 Alyssa
I'm also someone who used to start and stop things, I'm still that person. Let's get real where I'm like, Oh, yeah, No, for sure I'm going to be a runner. There was a time where I was like, I'm going to be someone who likes running. Nope, Still don't still don't like to run. And but what would happen is, I would like go, I would like binge run almost right like I'd be super into it, and then something would throw me off track, or I'd get distracted by something. And then I just wouldn't go back to it. And this is, we've got to know that there's never a time in life where you're like, go, I have so much free time to implement self-care and make sure I'm taking care of myself. You have to carve it out. There will be distractions knowing like I sit down on my calendar, and I look at, okay, what's going to come in the way of me doing this? Okay, on Monday, I know I have a baby that's going to be with me for a couple hours in the middle of the day when I usually close my eyes and meditate. So where can I move that to my into it before or after that babe? Or am I going to do it when that baby sleeping, right? Like figuring out what's going to throw you off track? Because things will come in the way, there will be distractions, and will be things that will throw you off track, and you have got to be prepared for them. Otherwise, you know what you'll do. You'll put yourself last, you'll say, oh, I can give up this self-care thing. I don't need to go for that run. You know what? I'll have a cup of coffee later. Once I can get around to it, I'll eat breakfast after the kids are fed and everything, I'll eat their scraps. We will always move the things, and you'll take yourself off of the priority list. You will not prioritize yourself. And my challenge to you is to have the love and respect for yourself that you want your kids to model, where you're carving out five minutes to breathe, right, whenever that's going to be for you, whatever that fuel is for you, and knowing that it won't be perfect and it'll take some trial and error. And you know what? If you get to the end of today or tomorrow, and you're like, ah, I didn't do it. I didn't take care of myself, climb right back up on that horse and start again tomorrow, Start again the next day. Just because you didn't do it today, doesn't mean that has to be the rest of time. You get to try again and prioritize yourself. But that's a huge part of learning and teaching at the same time. It's modeling, If you are doing it, if you are prioritizing this for yourself, your kids are watching. What do you want them to see?
00:24:01 Alyssa
All right, "How to backtrack when you just reacted instead of responded?"
00:24:06 Alyssa
Totally, It's going to happen. It's going to happen every single day, most likely. At least for a long time. And so, first of all, letting yourself off the hook and having that be the expectation that like, they're going to be things today you're not perfect at, I as a teacher is in the habit of reflective practice. So at the end of every day, or sometimes week or month, or whatever, you look back, and you'd say, like, all right, what's going really? Well, what's not going so well, what can I tweak to make this different? And that's going to be similar. So in the moment you might drop down and say, oh, man, I was feeling really frustrated. I'm sorry that I yelled next time I'm going to try and take some space and take some deep breaths to feel calm before I respond to you, or just something like that, like letting them know, like, man, I made a mistake. And here's what I'm going to try to do next time. And then for yourself, later, that day, what I like to do at the end of the day, with tiny humans is, look back and say, all right, where did the wheels come off the bus, right? Like, where did things go awry? And then I can say, alright, what happened there? What was different? Was it that I didn't take care of myself in some manner? And so I snapped and it threw everything off. Or was there something different with my kiddo? Did a timer go off? And we weren't really ready to transition to the next thing. And so it sent a mixed message, or were they hungry? And they needed a snack like just looking back and saying, All right, what can we tweak for next time, rather than like, Oh, man, this afternoon was a bust. What can we tweak for next time?
00:25:51 Alyssa
"How do I manage anxiety so that it doesn't transfer to my daughter?"
00:25:56 Alyssa
You're going to work on it. You're going to acknowledge that fear sometimes is really hard for you. Anxiety is when we're stuck in fear. Remember, it's not a permanent diagnosis. What you're saying is, fear is really hard for me to process. And it might be that there are past traumas or experiences that bring up this fear for you that trigger it for you, or there might be feelings like it's my job to make sure that she's healthy. Like, what if she isn't? I get this one a lot, the gaining of weight, because one of the only things that we measure from the minute that child is born is how much they weigh and how much they weigh, And then how much they weigh and how much they weigh. And what percentile are they in? And did they add or did they drop? Did they gain? How much do they weigh? What percentile is it? And it's so stressful and honestly like it, I think we need to step back a little bit from it and reframe it and say, like, all right, it is a curve. Everybody falls in a different place on this curve, just like every single body is built differently. Everybody's weight is different. And health isn't about size. You can't look at somebody and see based on their size, whether or not their quote unquote healthy, You could have a very sick body that is very thin, and you could have a sick body that is bigger, Like that's not how we measure health. And yet we're so focused on those numbers from so young that then we get a lot of anxiety around like food, right? Like, are they eating enough? Am I? What am I doing? My job as their parent is to make sure they're healthy?
00:27:48 Alyssa
We have an upcoming episode on food specifically, and we'll dive into more on food specifically. But just as an exciting example that we're like, oh, my gosh, I'm nervous about this. What we can say to ourselves is like, man fears really hard for me. When I start to feel fear, what am I doing to help my body feel calm? So that I'm not just, quote, unquote, holding it together? Guess what? They're going to know, right? Like energy is so strong because it's mirror neurons. If your body's firing cortisol, they will also mirror that. So you pretending you aren't anxious is not as beneficial as you saying, alright, I'm feeling really nervous about something. I'm gonna take some deep breaths. I'm going to turn to a mantra. I'm going to reach out to a friend. I'm going to pause and take space and read a book. I'm going to move my body. I'm going to do ten jumping jacks, or I'm going to go for a run. Or obviously, you can't just drop things and go for a run all the time. But maintaining exercise consistently is really helpful in general, for in the sense of like preventative care. We call it proactive in our book. Yeah? Like, are you being proactive about it? And then in the moment, What are you doing to find your calm? Because that's going to be powerful. And what we want kids to learn is it's okay to feel fear, because we have a toolbox to help us feel calm. Pretending you don't have anxiety, or accepting that you just live with anxiety does not have to be how this goes guys. You can say, I really struggle with fear and build a plan for yourself that you're need to implement to help you process that fear to help you navigate it. When it comes up to help you have a plan in place proactively and then reactively. All right. Now, I feel it coming. What am I going to do to help my body feel calm in the same way that we don't solve their problems until they're calm? You're not going to be in a rational brain to solve a problem. If you're feeling anxious, you're in your amygdala. You're in your feelings
00:30:09 Alyssa
brain. Well, I like this one. "How do you end a conversation When one adult says, I don't want to talk about this anymore." So I'm imagining this is like in conflict with another adult. Perhaps a partner. "And the other adults still has things to say. It's a fine line of respecting everyone's wants and emotional needs, but also making sure all parties feel heard. Do you keep talking it out? Do you give a final space to say all final thoughts? Do you revisit when everyone's ready specifically around questions about having babies and or parenting decisions?"
00:30:44 Alyssa
Yeah, dude. Okay. Around anything, I can speak so personally to this one, Zach and I process emotions and navigate conflict very differently. He goes quiet. He needs time and space to process. And the quieter he goes, the more I fill that silence with total word vomit. And I can get nasty and rude If I don't check myself, in fact, are like, early in our partnership, was really figuring out like, how do we navigate this conflict? Because we would get into these cycles where he would go quiet. I would go off the rails and be really rude, and he would just go quieter and quieter. And then I would explode with something. And then I would feel bad. And then eventually we would figure out how to solve the problem. But it was just like a giant S show. And so now, what this looks like for us was I, it is really beneficial, I'm an auditory processor, so it's really beneficial for me to have a space to talk. Sometimes things come up in the moment. And if things come up in the moment where, like, there's the thing that happens and I'm annoyed at him, and now I need to talk about it, or I want to bring it up whatever, and he needs space or processing time. Then I'll say, like, hey, hey, this is really annoying to me, or I'm really frustrated about this, And I've worked really, really hard. And this has been over years guys. It takes so much practice to say it in a kind way, but to let him know what I'm annoyed by, or when I'm frustrated at, and then we'll say, like, can we talk about this now, or is it for later? And if he's not ready to talk about it, he we have a deal here. He and I like, he knows it's okay for me to then go and turn to my people to talk to, to talk about it right? Like, if I need to express, I can, my sister-in-law and I are very close. I can turn to her and like, call her and chat with her about it, or my cousin and I are also very close. I can turn to her and express and just be like, man, I've got to get this off my chest. And usually so a key part here. The people that I have chosen as my people to vent to are not people that fuel my fire. So they're not going to be like, "Yeah screw him, he's so rude." Instead, their whole job is to just listen and empathize with where I am to validate me without just adding fuel to my fire, where they'll just be like, yeah, that is really frustrating. I wonder, like that seems really out of character for him. Or sometimes my sister-in-law's so good, at like framing what Zach's perspective might have been, and she'll be like, I don't know, like what kind of like he was experiencing. But I know that he loves you more than life itself and wouldn't intentionally want to hurt you or make you feel disappointed. So I wonder what his intention was there, or what his expectation was. And it just hearing like, yeah, you're right, like he, he does love me so dang much. And he would never intentionally do something to hurt me. Helps for me, just kind of calm down. And then I can usually go back to him and be like, hey bud, let me know when you're ready to chat. I know this wasn't your intention. I just want to figure out how to navigate this differently next time, or I want to figure out how we got here. But having that person that can kind of reframe things and hear me out when he isn't ready is, huge for me. Another thing for us, like, if it's a big discussion like when to have babies or whatever, I will either like, write him a note, shoot him a text, even email like, just like, hey, this has been on my heart or on my mind, and I'd like to find time to talk about it when you're ready to talk about it too. When do you think we might be able to sit down and chat? Because what used to happen is I would like to stew on it, and then he would walk in the door, and I would be snippy for a little while, and then he'd be like, hey, what's going on? And then I would explode with something like, I don't know if it's the baby. This hasn't happened with us for babies. We've really been on the same page baby wise, but say it was babies like, well, I really want to have a kid, and it's really hard for me that you don't want to Like. I don't know, I just, I used to for sure be snappier Zach is a much kinder human than I am, I would say, on the whole, like, he is just such a gentle loving person. And he is really empathetic. And empathy is something I have to really work on. Like I have to pause and remind myself that everybody is doing the best they can. And everybody has their own challenges. And most of the time, they're not out to just hurt my feelings or make me feel sad. And instead they're navigating their own story. And but I have to really remind myself of that. It's not something that like just come supernaturally for me. So around this stuff like it's helpful for me. If I can give him a heads-up that gives him time and space to kind of formulate his own thoughts and think about like, what his perspective even is, or where he might be coming from on this? And then we can have a constructive conversation. And I have also had to learn to take deep breaths while we're having said conversation, because his processing time is slower than mine. Like he is an internal processor, and he needs time to like think to formulate a kind response. And I can just like fire things off and have these conversations like boom, boom, boom, because part of my processing happens while I'm talking like I, as I'm talking through things, it's helpful for me. Where is he, it's not that way for him? And the more I talk, the more he just gets overloaded with my garbage, and it gets harder and harder for him to formulate a response. But it can be really frustrating still to this day for me, when we're in conflict. And I feel like it's taking longer than I want him to for him to be in silence. And sometimes I'll say, like, I really need you to say something. I'm feeling really frustrated. And usually in those times, like, if he's still like, I just don't know what to say. Then I'll say, like, all right, then I need space. And the I need space is really like, I can't look at your face with kindness anymore. And so I need to be in a separate space from you. I need to walk away from you. And sometimes for me, it's walking away and seeing if my cousin or my sister-in-law is able to chat for a minute, sometimes it's walking away. And just like crying, because I just am frustrated, and I need to express it in some way. And when I can't talk, it's helpful for me sometimes to cry. Reason number seven thousand we shouldn't be making kids stop crying for our like our comfort. It's such a nice expression. It can be very healthy to express via tears. Yeah. So yeah, I guess there are two things. But ultimately I think in a lot of partnerships. people don't process the same way necessarily, and someone might need more time or more space. And I used to feel frustrated because I was like, oh, we're always doing it the way that works for him because no matter how much I talked, he still needed the space to be able to have a productive conversation with me. So I had to figure out, okay, if he's going to have that space, what do I need for my own emotional regulation here and my own processing so that I can come back together with him in a place where we can be constructive? Because it's really hard to have like a constructive problem solving conflict resolution conversation, when you're in your amygdala. When you're feeling. We want to be in our rational brain, our prefrontal cortex, which can take time and intention to get to.
00:39:03 Alyssa
Ultimately guys, you've got to figure out like what your triggers and trends are, what sets you off? What is at the core of it, build that self-awareness first. We do the same thing with kids. And it's the same process with us. We've got to build the self-awareness to figure out what we're feeling before were then like, okay, and then the next step is, what do you do to help yourself feel calm? Is breathing helpful? Are mantras helpful? Is moving your body helpful? Is taking space helpful. Is it helpful for you to just go read a book for 15 minutes or call a friend? What helps you feel calm, that doesn't just numb. We're not looking at coping mechanisms. So we're staying away from screens or distractions and really looking at like, what are you doing, where you're sitting with yourself with some space here, or moving your body? Holler at your girl if you have any questions about it. I love you. And I'm proud of you for doing this work.
00:41:03 Alyssa
Thanks for tuning in to Voices of Your Village. Check out the transcript at voicesofyourvillage.com. Did you know that we have a special community over on Instagram hanging out every day with more free content? Come join us at seed.and.sew. Take a screenshot of you tuning in, share it on the gram and tag seed.and.sew to let me know your key takeaway. If you're digging this podcast, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode. We love collaborating with you to raise emotionally intelligent humans.
