When Friendships Change: Life After Kids with Lindsey Simcik

Disclaimer: This transcript was generated with the help of AI and may contain minor errors or inconsistencies. Please refer to the audio for the most accurate representation of the conversation.

[00:00:00] Alyssa: You're listening to Voices of Your Village, and in this episode, I got to hang out with my friend Lindsey Simcik. She is a creative force and entrepreneur. A media personality is best known as the co-founder and co-host of the critically acclaimed, Almost 30 Podcast and co-author of the book Almost 30, y'all. We got to chat about when friendships change and life after kids. This was such an incredible convo. In fact, our podcast editor sent me a message while editing it, just saying like, wow, this is so powerful. I'm so excited for folks to tune into this one. It is so rad to think about how we shift and change, and Lindsey shared something in this episode that she's never shared anywhere else.

[00:00:48] I shared something that I've never shared anywhere else, and we just got to be in like a safe, cozy space with each other to be real and honest, and it's just so delicious. Lindsey is a mama, and she gets to share that like honest journey of what motherhood has looked like for her. And we get to talk about the parts of us before motherhood into now motherhood and what comes up and how it comes up.

[00:01:18] I am so stoked for folks to also get to snag her book almost 30. We think that it's like just for 30 year olds, but the reality is it's for anyone because it talks about life changes and how to navigate them and what's coming up for us and how to do that interpersonal work of what's coming up for us.

[00:01:41] So if you've ever navigated a life change or you're ever going to, almost 30 is for you. She and her co-author and co-host Krista co-wrote it and it's just so, so beautiful and intentional and helpful, and. Honest and real. 10 outta 10 would recommend snag that bad boy. All right folks. Without further ado, let's dive in.

[00:02:11] Hey there. I'm Alyssa Blask Campbell. I'm a mom with a master's degree in early childhood education and co-creator of the Collaborative Emotion Processing Method. I'm here to walk alongside you through the messy, vulnerable parts of being humans, raising other humans with deep thoughts and actionable tips.

[00:02:28] Let's dive in together.

[00:02:32] I saw your Instagram post, was it yesterday where you were talking about like your journey out to LA and then meeting Krista? Mm-hmm. It was so fun to hear more about just like your history. I didn't realize like how you guys kind of came into being. 

[00:02:49] Lindsey: Yeah, it was a very, um, interesting meeting in serendipitous time.

[00:02:54] You know, I feel like. You kind of meet your people in the, in the throes of things sometimes. Yeah. And yeah, Krista and I met, um, when we were kind of like feeling like our life was not together, falling apart a little bit. But yeah, SoulCycle was a huge part of my, my journey. I'm so thankful. I was there for four years and it was a really like high point, I think in the company's life.

[00:03:20] Mm-hmm. Um, not because I was there, but because of many. I was there. It was like really 

[00:03:25] Alyssa: great. 

[00:03:27] Lindsey: Um, you know how like brands kind of have like those golden years of like, you know, just being on the map, people loving it, like no bad press. A hundred percent. Um, it was also like pre, yeah, it was a peloton. Yeah.

[00:03:41] Yeah, totally. Totally. And I just was so thankful that I got to like, move my body for my job and like be fully expressed in that way and like help people and create community. It was, it was amazing. 

[00:03:54] Alyssa: Yeah. That's super rad. And did you meet your husband out in la? No, 

[00:04:00] Lindsey: I met him here in New York when I was a bottle girl.

[00:04:03] Sick. Love this though. I've, I, I've had many odd jobs. Um, same, but yeah, we met like 13 years ago, but didn't get together officially until 2019. 

[00:04:16] Alyssa: Okay. Fun. Yeah. So you went out to LA and then came back to New York? 

[00:04:21] Lindsey: So I started in New York. Mm-hmm. Uh, in 2011. Moved to LA in 2014 and then came back to New York in 2021.

[00:04:30] Okay. So had like a full seven year cycle out in la? 

[00:04:34] Alyssa: Yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm. And so when you came back, how long was it after that, until you had 

[00:04:40] Lindsey: Maverick? Oh yeah. So we moved in together 2021, may and then got engaged 2021, November, got married August 22, had Mav August 23. Wow. Yeah, 

[00:04:56] Alyssa: what a wild ride. What was that kind of transition back into the city and then kind of pretty quickly right into motherhood?

[00:05:04] Like in terms of just really navigating that, like lifestyle shift, 

[00:05:09] Lindsey: friendship 

[00:05:10] Alyssa: shift. 

[00:05:11] Lindsey: Yeah. I mean, as you have experienced too. I mean, becoming a mom completely changed my life, you know? Um, I think prior to Mav, you know, coming back to New York was really a homecoming for me. I had spent seven years in LA as I mentioned, and that was my time to build, to really like, pour into my creative projects, namely the podcast, and really kind of individuate and live very independently.

[00:05:41] Um, I feel like I wasn't as close to my family during that time. We were. We were connected, but I, I don't think we were as close as we are right now. And I think that was an important time for me to understand who I really am and why I am the way I am without being so enmeshed with my family. And so, um, coming back to New York, I was just, I was so excited to be closer to them.

[00:06:07] I was excited to reconnect with people that I was friends with here in New York originally and just in this area from my childhood and early adult years. Um, and really just kind of have in a way a fresh start and also just a fresh start with my now husband, you know, moving in together and just having, having those beginnings was really, really exciting.

[00:06:31] Didn't come without challenge, but it was overall really exciting and I felt like almost 30 had become so much a part of my life. The everyday recording with Krista like. Because it was right there for me, and she was right there. We just defaulted to doing it all the time. So actually moving back created a sense of like, healthy boundary and actually I think helped our flow and our business and our relationship in a lot of ways.

[00:07:01] And then when Mav came into the picture a couple years later, I mean, you know, my, my life then changed again. And um, you know, we can, we can go more into it, but everything changes, you know? And I felt like when I became a mom, I felt more like myself than ever. Mm-hmm. Which was really interesting to me.

[00:07:21] And I've always wanted to be a mom. Um, it was always something that I just felt deeply called to, but I didn't know that I would feel that way. 

[00:07:30] Alyssa: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think we hear often about this shift in a negative sense of like, sure, oh, everything changes and now you're not sleeping. And all the, there's so much negativity around that shift.

[00:07:44] I also, when I, I always wanted to have kids and got a master's in early childhood really to just like, work with kids before I was ready to have kids. And That's really cool. Yeah. I was just like, how do I do this before I'm ready to do this? And when I had Sage similarly, it was like, it was lovely. It was mostly just like lovely.

[00:08:13] And I, I like that, that like, yeah. I felt more like myself. I had a hard time sharing about my journey into motherhood with Sage because. I feel like it's almost easier sometimes to share the hard with the world than it is to be like, yeah, things are great over here. This is lovely. I know. What is that? 

[00:08:39] Lindsey: I, I think it's, I think that's so relatable and I've, I've seen that and experienced that too.

[00:08:44] I'm curious what you think that is about, you know, our relationship with social media and how we relate to people online. I think it's for strangers, it's easy to relate over the hard stuff and it's like harder to witness someone having maybe a different experience than you, maybe a more positive experience than you at this moment and be able to kind of like witness that and metabolize that.

[00:09:15] Um, but I, I agree with you in the sense like. I do think it's a part of our responsibility as people who do have platforms to share our honest experience and also show people what could be possible. It doesn't mean that I didn't have challenges and you didn't have challenges. Mm-hmm. You know, like I didn't sleep through the night, nor did my son obviously for over 12 months.

[00:09:46] Yeah. Like it was crazy making at points. And there was also just this deep understanding that we were in process. Mm-hmm. Like he is on his developmental journey. I'm on mine as a mom and how I wanna approach sleep and just tuning into him like it's, I never wanted to make it about, oh my God, this is terrible.

[00:10:12] And the worst thing ever. And this is how I want to define my motherhood. I just wanted to kind of wrap it all up in this package of like. It is incredibly complex. It is both things at once. It is, I am the happiest I've ever been and this is the hardest thing Yeah. That I've ever done. And those two things can live at the same time and be true for me at the same time.

[00:10:34] Agreed. 

[00:10:35] Alyssa: And I think that, so now that I had Mila and had a totally, like from the minute I got pregnant, looking back, I'm like, oh, I had prenatal depression. I had never experienced depression in my life. And I then had, I kept saying in therapy, like, I'm really excited to like not be pregnant anymore and just like feel like myself again and.

[00:10:58] Then I went into postpartum and it was like, I wasn't like sobbing every day. It wasn't just like rock bottom. But then eventually about four months in was diagnosed with postpartum depression and for the first time in my life, went on an antidepressant and within 48 hours I was like, ah, yes, this. And so now when I look, that's amazing.

[00:11:22] Back. So cool. And now when I look back, I'm like, oh, I think if I was in the Mila experience and I saw somebody enter into parenthood who was having a really great, like loving this pregnancy, and I'm really just like obsessed with this human and experiencing so much joy, I think it would've been hard in that, yeah.

[00:11:46] I would've felt like I'm doing something wrong because I'm not having that experience right now. 

[00:11:52] Lindsey: Yes. Yes. And I, you're so right, and I think we do that, you know, it's like, it's so easy and I still do it to this day. I really have to watch myself where I just compare. Mm-hmm. You know, like. I'm comparing how I'm approaching certain things with how other people approach certain things.

[00:12:09] And, you know, I'm taking in information that I'm like, wait, does that apply to us? And should I look deeper into that? And, you know, I, I would say that my goal would be to, percentage wise, trust myself and turn inward more than I do look outward for the answers and for the guidance and the way, but that's just not reality every day, you know?

[00:12:37] Mm-hmm. If I'm on social media, if I'm reading books, if I'm doing just consuming, um, I, I'm apt to get a little bit confused and a little bit unsure of whether my approach is the right one. But I think as moms like, we really have to, you know, kind of fine tune our own filters and turn up or just recognize that art intuition.

[00:13:04] Is amplified during this time as a mom. You know, I think from the moment I got pregnant I was like, 

[00:13:09] Alyssa: whoa. 

[00:13:10] Lindsey: Like I am feeling everything so much more deeply and more intensely. And it kind of scared me at first, but you know, now I understand kind of why that is. Um, but yeah, I, I could totally see how that could be hard to witness someone having a really great experience.

[00:13:32] But I think my point too is that, that that mom having the really great experience on social media might not be showing the moments that are really hard. And so that's kind of my thing where I'm like, I do, I wanna share both, you know, in balance. And I also want to be just mindful of like what I keep kind of private as we're in process, if that makes sense.

[00:13:56] A hundred percent. Yeah. 

[00:13:58] Alyssa: And. The, like listening to our intuition and like trusting our gut on things. It's this funny balance of like re-parenting work, right? Of noticing, oh man, my gut says to do this, right? Because that's what I experienced as a kid, right? This is how somebody responded to me in these instances.

[00:14:22] Yes. And I wrote in tiny humans, big emotions that sometimes I open my mouth and my mom comes out and like, sometimes that's great. Sometimes I absolutely wanna pass that on. And sometimes I've spent a lot of time, money, therapy trying to not pass that on. And so what does it look like to. Notice what's coming up for us and be able to then choose, is this something that I still feel connected to that still feels really important to me?

[00:14:52] Mm-hmm. Or is this something I wanna let go and do differently? And that's where I think then finding sources outside of ourselves for support supportive. Like what does the do differently look like here is so key. 

[00:15:06] Lindsey: Absolutely. I think, you know, I've realized that there are, you know, and I mentioned intuition.

[00:15:14] There are some things in my experience of motherhood that actually haven't been as intuitive. 

[00:15:20] Alyssa: Yeah. 

[00:15:20] Lindsey: So when I say intuition, I don't mean that you have every answer and that you're gonna know everything. There are certain things that I feel like we are going to be guided to trust and, and really explore with and for our children based on our intuition.

[00:15:36] And then there are other things. For me, like sleep, actually, the whole sleep conversation 

[00:15:42] Alyssa: mm-hmm. 

[00:15:43] Lindsey: That didn't feel as intuitive, you know, I was, I actually benefited and so did my son from learning more about sleep, circadian rhythm, sleep cycles, what was happening during the day and how it affected his sleep at night.

[00:16:02] I, I benefited from taking in that knowledge and then was able to kind of use that and build like a mosaic of like, okay, so this, this actually intuitively feels right as you know, information coming in that I can use and then reapproach this whole sleep debacle. So I, I completely agree. And, and that's what I mean about just like fine tuning that like filter mm-hmm.

[00:16:31] Where it's like, does it feel right and really good to do a, a deep dive into, you know, like tiny humans, big emotions mm-hmm. Type of conversation, you know, your child might be having tantrums, meltdowns, things like that. Does it feel good to go in and do the research and really like, glean the wisdom from an expert that, that you can use and kind of make your own Right.

[00:16:58] And how you apply it, but, oh, yeah. I mean, not everything is intuitive and I think that's what I, I I, the nuance of this that I wanna make clear, because I, I'm a research girlie. I love, I love, love, love to learn as much as I can, and then kind of. Filter it through and see what really is applicable for me and, and my family.

[00:17:21] Alyssa: I think that's the really rad skillset to hone is the like filtering it through and seeing like, okay, what does this mean for me, for my family that I, and anything that we put out, there's no one size fits all for any human, for any scenario. And my goal is that folks can learn, I just love neuroscience and nerdiness and I'm like, how can we break down neuroscience?

[00:17:49] And then you take what makes sense for your family here, what makes sense for the child in front of you? What makes sense for you and your partner, right? And like really be able to distill that, which requires for folks. Honing the skillset of pause, right? Of like having the self-awareness piece where you can notice, oh wow, I'm taking all this in and it feels like gospel, it feels like truth, and I need to pause and notice what do I want in this, or what does make sense in this for my family or for me.

[00:18:25] Yeah. And it's a skillset to hone because we are so often in that autopilot where we're like, information check done that is now truth. Let's go. 

[00:18:34] Lindsey: Definitely. Yeah. It's, it's about leaving room for nuance. It's about leaving room for individuality. Mm-hmm. I think parenthood is wild because every child is so different.

[00:18:45] So different, you know, so different. It's like you really want the manual, you really want that. This is how you do it for this child. And I think the beauty. The challenge and really the, the deep, honestly, not to sound crazy, but like the deep spiritual experience of being a parent is to be so present and so attuned that you can be there for this very unique child and their very unique path of development.

[00:19:20] Granted, I understand that there are some things developmentally that every child goes through, and I'm learning about those and aware of many of them. How they manifest is different. So yeah, I think that's, that's what's been interesting in talking to other moms. Mm-hmm. You know, and I think it's hard not to like, share your experience and be like, try this, it worked with my child.

[00:19:45] And that's, you know, it comes from a loving place, but I just have to stop myself all the time because I just recognize that no one is like Mav. You know that. That's right. No one is like my, my friend's son. And we can't be the one size fits all prescribers. Um, but we can in our relationships with other moms, just find the comfort in the nuance.

[00:20:10] Find the comfort in, you know, the hard Yeah. And, and being able to know that, like, this is in the grand scheme of things, very temporary. The longest, shortest time. Yes, yes, yes. And that like our responsibility as the adults. Is to, you know, usher them through and learn about them, you know, along the way, which I think is like a really delicate balance.

[00:20:40] How have you found that? How have you found that balance between like guiding your children, you know, keeping them safe and allowing them to show you who they are as individuals? 

[00:20:54] Alyssa: It definitely ebbs and flows in my, like regulation is so key for this. Yeah. That in days or moments or seasons where I'm more regulated, where I'm accessing tools for regulation and then I can access curiosity more readily and then I can observe them without imprinting or imposing or projecting.

[00:21:22] And that's what I feel like I had so much more of with sage that I have to be way more intentional about with Mila. And I'm sure just like adding another kid, it didn't, for our family at least didn't feel like two times the kids, it was like going from one to 20, it just like they are a sensory mismatch and so, mm-hmm.

[00:21:43] There's this like added dynamic of her needs and his needs often conflict and watching her navigate the world where she's like, hi, hi, I just wanna connect with you. I'd love to be close to you. Can I come sit in your lap? Can I wave to you? Can I give you a high five? Can I just say hi to you? Will you just connect with me on repeat?

[00:22:04] And he's like, ah, right. Like he's like internally throwing up because he is so overwhelmed by it and he's trying to figure out how do I connect with you and be in relationship with you in a way that also feels good for me? And all this to say that I feel like for myself. It takes a lot of intention each day to make sure that I'm like stepping back and watching and observing and accessing curiosity in order to then parent with intention.

[00:22:35] Uh, otherwise my autopilot I will often defer to my daughter and the way that she navigates the world. 'cause it's most similar to the way that I navigate the world. And then see things in my son that I'm like, yeah, well he just has to figure this thing out or whatever. And like can get into a place where I.

[00:22:57] Kind of close off curiosity for him specifically because for her it's easier for me to kind of see what's driving her behavior and what's fueling her because we're so similar. 

[00:23:10] Lindsey: Yeah. Does that make sense? That makes complete sense. And I love what you said about, um, just your own regulation and like health of your nervous system in, in those moments.

[00:23:22] I've definitely noticed the utmost importance of that in my parenting and, you know, nights where he's been up a lot and I wake up just completely wrecked and tired and have to get on with the day. And just how that affects, you know, my, my patience level, my curiosity level, my presence level is just wild.

[00:23:48] And. It happens overnight too, where I, before I go into his room, when he gets up, I have to take a moment mm-hmm. To center myself because I'm already a little annoyed, you know, a hundred percent. I'm already anxious that he's about to be up for two hours, you know, like, so I really have to center myself.

[00:24:10] It's like just simple practices of breath of prayer, honestly, of just setting the intention and tone where when I walk into the room, you know, he's able to, in a sense, like borrow my nervous system. Mm-hmm. Um, and I know this is a part of your work too, and, um, it works, you know, it, it's a science. It yields such a, a better night.

[00:24:35] Yeah. And a better reaction from him too. So, yeah. I think that's just a really important thing you just mentioned. 'cause our children, and you, you can speak to this much better than I can, but. I've just noticed like he is so attuned to my energy and my nervous system and it's not something I can explain or we can really talk about or articulate.

[00:24:59] It's just, whew, it's been like some of my greatest work. Yeah. To, to notice that and to, to work with that. 

[00:25:07] Alyssa: Especially our neuroceptive sensitive humans, the like energy readers. Right. Sage is interceptive sensitive as well. Mila is not, and so it's so, so very interesting to see how differently they're affected from other people's nervous systems.

[00:25:23] The energy in the space, he's so attuned to it and aware of it, and it's a superpower in so many ways and very much can be so overwhelming for him in other ways. Right. And especially as he entered into like being a big sibling and then there's a tiny baby and. They cry or they whatever, and yes, that reaction.

[00:25:45] This has been interesting to observe when you. Look at kind of your relationships. Now, I, we got to meet at this event recently and it, I was so drawn to first of all, your energy. You're just so even, and that's so delicious and you are a curious human by nature. You also, like pretty quickly read to me as someone who like is hungry for information and is not indoctrinated by information.

[00:26:22] And I have found for myself in motherhood, these are humans I love to be around where I can like share stuff or I can spit out like, yeah, I don't know what to do with this. Or we're looking at different school setups for him for here. And like being able to talk through things with people who can kind of have that serve and return and back and forth without the projection of like, oh no, here's what you need.

[00:26:44] Let me tell you. Yes. Without that like indoctrination into one thing. And so I'm wondering what that has looked like for you in your shift in relationships as you've entered into motherhood and a, there's just less of you to give to friendships because mm-hmm. Our capacity is finite and B Yes. If there's been any sort of, uh, I guess like determination where like, oh, these nos became easier or these yeses became easier in relationship.

[00:27:18] Lindsey: That's been such a journey, um, with my. Friendships and my relationship with my husband and my relationship with my family, you know, it all changes as it should. You know, I'm of the belief that if your life hasn't changed after you've had a child, something's wrong. Not something's wrong. 'cause I don't want to be too, too harsh.

[00:27:41] But I, I have friends, you know, and I say this lovingly who are like, yeah, my kid's just gonna fit into my life. And I, I respect that. And if you can do that and not have a lot of things disturbed, I think that's great for some people and the way that they wanna live their life. But mine flipped mine upside down, and I was saying this to my husband the other night and I was getting emotional.

[00:28:01] 'cause I'm like, everything's changed, babe. Like, I, I just, I'm not someone who wants to ignore that. Mm-hmm. And I actually wanna lean into it, and I want to let it change me for the better, you know? Um. We were just kind of moving through something and talking it out. And with friendships in particular, I think just naturally, this is what I believe about friendships.

[00:28:29] I think there is a natural ebb and flow in our life and I think it's really hard for us as humans to accept that and ebb and flow of relationships that come in for a season and then are complete or maybe need a pause, um, or a break after a season. And I think why we have a really hard time with that is because we're making meaning out of it and we're really, um, critical of what it means about us.

[00:28:59] So for me, as a recovering people pleaser, if any of my friendships ended over the years, I'd be like, oh shit. I could have done better, you know? Mm-hmm. Like I was a bad friend. What do they, they probably hate me and think I'm a bad friend and can't manage motherhood and friendship and you know, just being so self-critical.

[00:29:20] But after, truly, after like stepping into motherhood and the confidence in that, I kind of, you know, I think my energy became a bit more like clear of like, I trust the relationships that are meant to be at the forefront right now in my life in this season. And I trust the ones that I'm unable to give more energy to, and they're unable to just feel like they can relate in this season.

[00:29:50] There's something that happens there, obviously that we can get into, but I'm just more trusting of the ebb and flow. Something interesting happened right before I got pregnant, so. I actually have never shared this. I've never shared this publicly, which perhaps I, I can soon in a more formal way. But, um, I had a miscarriage.

[00:30:12] I got, I found out I was pregnant the day before we got married, and then I had a miscarriage the day before our honeymoon. And, you know, miscarriage is obviously very hard. And, um, you know, we went through our process with that. And, you know, I had this really beautiful experience. I have a spiritual teacher who really, uh, supported me during that time, and there was some tending to my relationships that needed to happen in order for this.

[00:30:45] Spirit to come in this baby to come in. There's obviously biological reasons for miscarriage and I don't want to negate that. That is absolutely a part of the process. But there was a spiritual aspect to this that I was interested in exploring and that was my friendships. I had a few friendships that were not aligned anymore and I was kind of holding on.

[00:31:05] I was pouring energy into them and it just felt funky. There was about three of them. And during that three month period before I got pregnant again, those friendships came to an end. And I'm not saying that's why I got pregnant, but I do think it was a part of the process, um, to make space to energetically kind of reset myself and to start to, and to begin to like kind of create that village that I really wanted to support me and my family and my child as they grow.

[00:31:38] So now in motherhood, yes, I have friends who don't have kids. But they fit into my life a little bit differently. And thankfully those friends have a deep self-awareness and a deep reverence for the season that I'm in. The season that they're in, Krista is one of them. We basically swapped lives. Uh, I started out as the single gal for many, many years, but then got married, had a child.

[00:32:04] She was in a long-term relationship, and then she got a divorce and is really in this beautiful season of being single and exploration. And we are still very close and we talk nearly every day. But it's changed, you know? And she's been so beautiful and respectful of just where my priorities lie. And that doesn't mean I don't care about our friendship.

[00:32:26] I try my very best, but she's okay with what I have to give. And I really, I really think that that's the tone that we can bring to friendships where there is, I. A sense of self authority and the ability to have self-awareness. 

[00:32:47] Alyssa: Mm-hmm. 

[00:32:48] Lindsey: And also respect for where the other is and what they can give. And you know, I know there is science behind this, and you can speak to this better than I can, but, you know, it, it feels really good to be in relationship and in community with other moms when you become a mom.

[00:33:05] You know, I, to be able to relate about the hard things mm-hmm. And the beautiful things. And just the nuance of motherhood is like unmatched. Like, I, it's a feeling that I am so grateful I get to experience. And so I, I'm trying not to be hard on myself for really making more time for my mom friends. 

[00:33:28] Alyssa: Yeah.

[00:33:28] Lindsey: Because it supports me and my family at this time. Um, I. I just do my best when I can to be as communicative as possible with my friends who don't have kids and connect with them intentionally when I can. But overall, I've just kind of respected the ebb and flow of these relationships. There's 

[00:33:49] Alyssa: so much in here.

[00:33:50] The first thing that I just love so much is the acknowledgement of the ebb and flow and that some relation I, I wonder too how social media has shifted this where. We can see people's lives in an ongoing fashion and I think sometimes we might be like, I should still be in touch with them or whatever.

[00:34:12] Yeah. I'm feeling to, in a way that pre-social media, we maybe experienced a friendship and it was like, yeah, that was one of my college friends and now they're off living in California or whatever and thriving and I love that for them. And there wasn't this ongoing kind of peak into their world and then feeling like you should be involved in it.

[00:34:35] You also, I like was moved to tears here in that, so I have publicly shared, I have two miscarriages before Sage and I publicly shared about both of them. And the last one I found out I was pregnant on New Year's day of 2020. I found out there was no heartbeat on January 31st and then it was. Like I had a DNC eventually in May, there was like a four month long miscarriage essentially, where like my body kept holding on and then it was COVID and I couldn't get in because I wasn't emergent.

[00:35:13] Wow. And like this whole journey. And I was in therapy through all of it. And I had this like really the most intense therapy session I've had in my life. The only one where like the next day I got a, a call from my therapist that was like, I just wanna check in on you. Yeah. And it was really related to motherhood and my journey and what it meant to me.

[00:35:39] And it was the mo, like the deepest most healing work that I've done was actually through that miscarriage. And then I had that therapy session. Four days after my DNCI had one period, and then I got pregnant with Sage and had a successful pregnancy and I hadn't connected until now. This, like, I've shared about the miscarriages, but I haven't shared about like that therapy session and the timing of it and then really what was able to happen for me afterward.

[00:36:18] Lindsey: How did you feel? I'm curious, like your, your therapist called you and asked you, are you, how are you feeling? Are you okay? What did it feel like to have that really deep kind of like. Excavation, I, I assume, you know, kind of things coming to light. How did you feel physically, energetically afterwards?

[00:36:41] Physically at first? Exhausted. 

[00:36:45] Alyssa: Yeah. Oh my gosh. I know that feeling like so drained. Yes. Where I was like, Ugh. And then not long after, like just lighter, right? Mm-hmm. Like such a release, so much clarity. Mm. And I don't think I would've had the same pregnancy experience with Sage without that. Not that I wouldn't have maybe gotten pregnant or whatever, but I went into Sage's pregnancy in a much different space than I'd been in a month before.

[00:37:20] Lindsey: Yeah. I just got chills. I, yeah. I, I think our, you know, I'm a very, I. Spiritually curious person. And so, you know, I really do believe, um, our babies are the spirit of our babes choose us and begin to work on us well before they officially come into the world. And yeah, it's just beautiful to think about, you know, the, the part that their soul played in bringing that conversation with your therapist to light as well and, and kind of needing, potentially just needing, um, wanting or desiring you to have that experience so that you know, little pieces of your motherhood story and experience could kind of come together even more.

[00:38:07] And yeah, it's really, it's so beautiful and I haven't, like, I don't talk about this publicly. I'm not an expert, I just know my own experience. But I am curious around the conversation of just that, of the energetic piece and. The emotional release and processing piece around how our bodies respond to pregnancy, to postpartum, to, you know, it, it's just a really an interesting piece that I can't talk about as an expert, but I implore people to just kind of reflect on, I think if they're in those seasons.

[00:38:46] Well, and 

[00:38:47] Alyssa: it, I think ties into the work of like the body keeps the score, right? Yes. That we know that trauma is stored and it comes up in all these other ways, and there's no way that's limited to trauma, right? That experience is stored, that our bodies remember, experiences and the mind. Body connection there is so much great research on, and we can't separate the two.

[00:39:18] Although we often would love to, we would love to just like experience something and go here and go up and not have to go down and tune into the rest of our body. We're like, let me think my way out of this. Let me mantra my way out of this. Let me just like get into my head rather than like, what does it feel like in my body?

[00:39:39] How do I experience this? It's harder. It's so much harder to do that, to experience and notice and tune into what's coming up without letting our mind navigate the driver's seat all the time. 

[00:39:59] Lindsey: Completely. You know? And it, it continues in motherhood. Yeah. Oh yeah. You know, I think like it's like pre-pregnancy, during pregnancy.

[00:40:08] And during motherhood, I mean, it's constantly, I'm wondering, I'm like, is this, am I making this decision outta fear and the anxiety I have in my mind right now? You know, like it's just a constant Yes. Check-in. And I remember feeling that pre-pregnancy, you know, just overthinking, wanting to know when it was gonna happen.

[00:40:29] Yes. How should it happen? Did I do something wrong? You know, like all of the very common thoughts I think people have around miscarriage, around conception. And, um, it was, it was, I remember thinking, oh wow, my mind is so powerful. Especially like, especially in that first trimester of the second pregnancy, because I had so much fear.

[00:40:56] I was like, wow, my mind is, she could really color this experience if I let her. So just being really mindful of that, trying to get into my body, trying to drop down to my heart and. Whew. It was a journey. I, I didn't do it perfectly. It's a journey, but I just like realized, I was like, wow. I will never forget how powerful my mind is.

[00:41:15] Alyssa: Yeah. It's so real. It's so real. And I, I experienced that so much in birth and. Like the only way out of this is through, it has been a mantra I've come back to for so long and it for me is the tantrum in the grocery store or rocking her in the middle of the night when I'm like, I don't know when she's gonna go back to sleep and I wanna figure it all out right now.

[00:41:43] And I'm like, okay, well yesterday she had that great night of sleep and like what sleep sack was she wearing? What was the temperature and what jammies and like, how do I recreate? I know, 

[00:41:50] Lindsey: right? Like just I, I'm nodding my head off 'cause oh I'm, oh my 

[00:41:54] Alyssa: God. I know. And being able to just like get out of that brain and be like, the only way out of this is through it.

[00:42:01] You're gonna get through it, right? Mm-hmm. Like I don't have to think my way out all the time is really what I have to come back to so much. And. I remember at one point when I was in labor with Mila, which start to finish was three and a half hours, and the first two were pretty chill. And the last hour was my water had broken.

[00:42:23] I was like, in transition. She's like, you know, really getting after it. And I at one point said to the midwife, I was like, how much longer? And she was like, oh yeah, I can't, there is not like, there's not like a number I can give you. And I like knew this, right? Like I knew it logically course, but I'm like, I need to know this is gonna end.

[00:42:47] Yeah. And at that point, uh, Rachel who does the breakdown of this podcast with me is my co-author for big kids. She was my doula and present at both births and. She just said in this like, calm, quiet voice, this is gonna come to an end. Yes. And I was like, I just needed to know that. Right. Like my only way out of this is the threat.

[00:43:07] It will end. 

[00:43:10] Lindsey: Mm-hmm. Oh my gosh. I know. I remember that feeling of just, I had a very quick labor, similar, a little longer than you, but it was quick overall and the intensity of it when it was intense, which it was, yeah. It was active labor from the moment my water broke spontaneously, overnight. Yeah. And then it was like right into active labor.

[00:43:30] That was sage. And I was like, wait, I thought we have to do early labor, right? 

[00:43:34] Alyssa: Yeah. You get to like have snacks and take naps and go on a walk. Yeah. I was like, I was, I was 

[00:43:38] Lindsey: looking forward to organizing the pantry, like what 

[00:43:41] Alyssa: a hundred percent 

[00:43:42] Lindsey: what's happening? Um, and my husband was lovingly like the doctor said that we should get as much rest as possible, so let's go back to sleep and blah, blah, blah.

[00:43:51] I was like, babe. Cannot sleep. Okay. Yeah. Like, I need to hop in the shower right now. Anyway, I, I just remember that I had done so much research, studying practice for this birth. I trained for this as I'm sure you did too. And yeah, the, the mind, like I was saying, how powerful the mind is and I don't wanna, you know, kind of let it take over the show.

[00:44:18] But actually in these moments, the body's so intelligent, it's doing what it knows how to do, and the mind can be very helpful. Mm-hmm. You know, in moments they're connected, they're totally connected, and I allowed my mind to kind of become that like coach, you know, and it, and it was very, very helpful. But yeah.

[00:44:40] Wow. It's just, well, when it's intense, do you ever look back on your birth and like, get. Inspired, 

[00:44:46] Alyssa: I mean, to do it again? No, uh, 

[00:44:49] Lindsey: no. Not to do it again, 

[00:44:51] Alyssa: but like, 

[00:44:52] Lindsey: just looking back on Oh. To be like, I can do hard 

[00:44:54] Alyssa: things. 

[00:44:55] Lindsey: Yeah. And just like the depths to which you went to bring this child like earth side is, is crazy.

[00:45:03] It's crazy. It's crazy. 

[00:45:05] Alyssa: And like relatively recently took a pause in therapy where I was like, I feel like I'm in a place where I've like gained what I can gain in this moment. And I'm sure I'm chilling. And in my last session with my therapist who I adore, she was like, let's just like think back to you six years ago is when I started working with her.

[00:45:27] How the unknown was so anxiety producing for me. Whether it was like, how will I become a parent? Will I become a parent? What's that gonna look like? When's it gonna happen? All that to then in business, what's this gonna look like? How's and my greatest work it has been in embracing the unknown and it's all mind work, right?

[00:45:50] Like that is all in monogan is like what is happening on repeat in my brain when I'm scared of the unknown? And how do I rewrite those thoughts first, build awareness of that's what's happening, and then be able to rewrite those patterns. And that's what it was in like in the hard parts of labor and in transition and in the hard parts of parenting.

[00:46:15] It's knowing. This is gonna pass. It's all gonna work out the way that it needs to. I have everything I need right here. Mm-hmm. And it's going to be figureoutable. Right. And like that is Rachel leaning in and saying like, this is gonna end. That's what that is for me. She knows me well enough to know, like, that's what I'm really asking is, yeah.

[00:46:41] Is it gonna be this hard for an amount of time that I can't handle? Exactly. Sure. Yeah. Sure. And same then with business and ebbs and flows and whatever of like. There are times where I've been like, God, I just wanna throw in the towel. This feels like too hard and I can't do this amount of hard forever.

[00:47:01] If this is my new life, I don't want it. And then like two days later I'm like, oh wow, no, this is great. I love this. And I just have to like get through the hard And it's practice getting through it, right? It's practice and knowing like I've gotten through all the hards, all the hards have been figureoutable.

[00:47:20] Lindsey: Mm-hmm. Yeah. We create this like little archive, you know, that we can refer back to. And I think birth is one of those for me where I look back and I'm like, wow, you can do anything. Correct. You know, you really can do anything. Um, the 12 months of not sleeping through the night, wow. You have resiliency.

[00:47:41] You have, you have a lot of, you have a lot to, to draw on and know that you are capable of. But I think our minds are tricky in the sense, like they kind of forget that sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. So if we can consciously literally have like a little archive, maybe it's a journal, maybe it's, you know, little voice notes to yourself, but just reminding yourself that we've been through these moments where we feel like it's not gonna end or it's too hard, or we wanna give up, or we don't know what's next.

[00:48:12] And we've navigated, you know, and we've come out the other side. We recently wrote a book, um, my co-host and I, and it's really based on this idea of like, this period in your late twenties where just so much change and upheaval seems to be happening. You feel like you should have it together, and you're really, you're really bumping up against the unknown of what's next.

[00:48:34] Mm-hmm. And I think we're s it's really, really hard for us humans, and especially the human mind, to accept the unknown. If I've learned anything, especially in like my conception journey and all of that, yes, the unknown is uncomfortable, but it holds this very specific alchemy that will transform us, will take us to this next level of understanding of being more ourself, being more confident, being able to embody more of who we want to be if we let it.

[00:49:10] I understand when people are like, yeah, but I wanna know the next step and the next five steps. But I don't know, I feel like life would be ultimately really boring if we knew, knew the whole story, you know? And I think when it becomes that adventure and when you, when you cultivate that confidence and trust in the timing of your life and the way your life is unfolding.

[00:49:33] Then it becomes kind of fun when you hit one of those seasons of unknown, of like, I wonder what's next. I'm in one of those right now where I'm like, I wonder what's next. 

[00:49:41] Alyssa: Yeah. 

[00:49:42] Lindsey: I have no idea. But I've been here before. Yes. So I, I'm kind of excited to collaborate with my life and with my soul and just kind of be like, all right, like, let's see what we got.

[00:49:54] Alyssa: You know? 

[00:49:54] Lindsey: It's 

[00:49:55] Alyssa: the trust that's developed. Yeah. It's that self-confidence and trust in oneself. And we see this in parenthood too. It's why it's so important to let kids fall, not just physically, but like metaphorically fall and learn how to get back up again. It's so that they know they can build that self-confidence and that trust in themselves of like, yes, I can figure this out.

[00:50:19] I don't need to be rescued out of every hard thing. And although every single one of us on the planet. Wants a life raft in the hard thing. Of course we do. There's so much power in not receiving it. Mm-hmm. In, in being able to build that trust in ourselves to navigate hard things. And it doesn't mean you do it in isolation.

[00:50:41] It could be my version of a journal at this point is reaching out to my close friendships and saying like, God, just like venting. And they're like, totally, yeah. Yes. We've been here before. We've done this before. You've done hard things before. Right. And like mm-hmm. Having those champions to remind me not to save me or figure it out.

[00:51:02] Or make it stop, but to remind me that I'm capable. 

[00:51:06] Lindsey: Oh 

[00:51:07] Alyssa: yeah. Oh yeah. We need that. Yeah. That, and we get to be that for our kids. Right. Like we get to remind them that they're capable of figuring out hard things and navigating hard things. And they only get to learn that they are capable of that by going through hard things.

[00:51:24] Lindsey: Yeah. Yeah. Did you have like a, knowing what you know as an expert, did you have any moments, especially as a new mom with sage like that you like wanted to protect him from those hard things or those moments where I have him every day. 

[00:51:44] Alyssa: Yeah. Yeah. Every day. Where I'm like, I would love to save you from the heart for Mila.

[00:51:50] It's all connection related where she's so driven by connection that when she feels left out, when kids aren't including her in a group, if she's offering to give someone a high five and they're not reciprocating right. Like that, I wanna pop in and be like, here, I'll give you a high five. I'll make sure you're connected.

[00:52:07] And for him it's often sensory related where he. It can get so overstimulated in the world that I wanna protect him. I wanna make sure he always has access to regulated brain, regulated nervous system so that he can thrive. And for a while it was like building tools around him and, and creating an environment to support that.

[00:52:33] Yeah. And now it's giving him so many of those tools for self-advocacy around this. And that is harder, it's harder to step a little bit back and shift my role from, I'm gonna do all this for you to, I'm gonna give you the tools to notice it so that you can advocate for it. 

[00:52:55] Lindsey: Mm-hmm. 

[00:52:57] Alyssa: Yeah. 

[00:52:57] Lindsey: Yeah. 

[00:52:58] Alyssa: Yeah. It's tricky, tricky, tricky.

[00:53:00] Uh, I, I love you. I think that you're phenomenal human and I am so jazzed that I'm going to get to come and chat with you guys. You too. Oh my God, I'm thrilled. Love. I can't wait. And stoked for your book to be out into the world. Thank too, and into the hands of humans because it, you know, it's almost 30 is the brand and is the title.

[00:53:22] But what's so rad about your work is that it really is about transformation and change. And that's not limited to an age group. It's not limited to a time we can all benefit from exploring this work and building these tools to navigate the ebbs and flows and changes that come. 

[00:53:42] Lindsey: Yes. And especially motherhood.

[00:53:44] You know, I've been thinking a lot about. Moms and this book where, you know, you see the cover, you're like, well, I'm not almost 30 so I'll pass on this. But you're so right in, in that this late twenties, early thirties period is one of, I think, the first most like intense periods of change and transformation.

[00:54:04] But it really sets the tone, I think, for how you relate to change in the future. And I think motherhood is one of those initiations with change where. So much changes after you have a child and so much is always changing because your child is always changing. Mm-hmm. You have to be agile and you are always like kind of changing and tuning in and being as present as possible.

[00:54:28] And so the tools and the stories and the wisdom in this book from our, our guests, so for the years I think is. Insanely applicable to motherhood and, um, can serve as a, just a really warm guide. 'cause I even like refer back. I was reading the audio book the other week in New York for this book, and I kind of have a few moments of like, ooh.

[00:54:51] Still working on that. Yep. Working on that motherhood, uh, hub. This is a good reminder. Okay. 

[00:54:57] Alyssa: So good. 

[00:54:59] Lindsey: Like, oh, Flagg. I 

[00:55:00] Alyssa: actually, it's so funny 'cause I was just going through big kids like the galley copy to look for something and found something that I was like, Ooh. Flagging that to have a conversation with my husband later about this thing that's now coming up in our lives.

[00:55:13] Lindsey: Oh my gosh. It's so, so true. So real. Which is so real, so real. But I've, I'm so happy to be connected with you now and I loved meeting you in person and I loved this conversation today. I talked about things I've never talked about and, um, can't wait to, like, I have my list of questions already started for our conversation this summer.

[00:55:33] Um, so I'm very, very, very excited to sit down with you. I feel like I could talk about and just get curious about motherhood all day, so it'll be really fun. 

[00:55:41] Alyssa: Same. You're a gem. I'm so jazzed for this to be out in the world. Thanks for the labor of love for writing it. 

[00:55:47] Lindsey: You're welcome. It was a, it was a joy, truly.

[00:55:50] Alyssa: Stay tuned after this note from our sponsors. Rach and I will be right back with the breakdown.

[00:55:59] We just like had a morning, you know, those were like, I got the kids, like I got to work. And it was just like, whew. Yeah. What, what was going on? Sadie usually wakes up closer to seven and or somewhere around seven. And this morning in the early sixes, he was actively singing in his room. Hmm. So we don't know when he like woke up originally, but was, by the time life was happening, he was just a disaster.

[00:56:34] Mm-hmm. Everything was like, no, I'm not going to, and then I find myself getting into like power over battles if I don't just like slow down and just set a boundary and hold it and whatever. Mm-hmm. And I'm like. Well, fine. You can put your clothes on by yourself then. Mm-hmm. Because he wanted me to help him, but then he wanted me to help him while he's standing on the top of the couch.

[00:56:58] Honey, 

[00:56:58] Rachel: this isn't 

[00:56:59] Alyssa: gonna work out. Um, I've 

[00:57:00] Rachel: only been recording for like two minutes. What's up? Do 

[00:57:03] Nora: you have your phone? 

[00:57:04] Rachel: You can't have my phone while I'm doing 

[00:57:05] Nora: this? No, I just wanna see my hair. 

[00:57:08] Rachel: Um, you can use Dad's mirror under the bathroom, but I'm not gonna give you my phone right now.

[00:57:17] Alyssa: Welcome to Summertime. 

[00:57:18] Rachel: Yes. My kids are on their first day of summer vacation and I've already had to apologize to Nora, so it's 

[00:57:27] Alyssa: 9:20 AM Cheers. I mean, literally he wants me to change his clothes while he is standing on the top of the couch. Hmm. I'm just like, this is just ridiculous. Yeah. I'm not doing this right.

[00:57:41] He really just doesn't wanna go to school. And I said at one point. Buddy, are you disappointed? You found out it's a school day and you thought it was gonna be another home day? He was like, I'm not disappointed. Mm. It's not a school day. And I was like, okay.

[00:58:01] Yeah. Mm-hmm. You know, just one of those days. Those days. 

[00:58:06] Rachel: Yeah. Those, 

[00:58:07] Alyssa: and then Mila's, like whenever he's having a hard time in an effort to like bring the peace and regulate the environment, she is like, oh, I'll do what I know how to do and go over and go High five, high five. Hmm. High five. Not helpful.

[00:58:28] High five. And he's like, I don't,

[00:58:35] yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So that was just like a little snapshot into my morning. Bless. 

[00:58:43] Rachel: Yeah. Those mornings they'll get you. Honestly, I wish that I had been fighting with my kids to go to school this morning because then they would've just been at school at some point. Yeah, no, I mean, in so many ways it's nice to have them home and like mornings are slower.

[00:58:57] Sure. Which is very nice. Sure. But I have to mentally adjust to the new routines. 

[00:59:06] Alyssa: Are they doing camp or anything this summer or just a hundred percent mom while mom goes to work? Well, my niece will have them Tuesdays and 

[00:59:13] Rachel: Thursdays starting next week. Cool. So I do have two some built full days. Yes. Yeah.

[00:59:22] Yeah. That's helpful. It is, yeah. And I just like, what it really is, is my nervous system has to get used to. Way more input throughout the day. A hundred percent. Yeah. And once I get back into that rhythm, like we'll be cruising, but I'm not there at this present 

[00:59:40] Alyssa: moment. You, you know, we had our first ever seed team retreat where our whole team was together in person.

[00:59:49] We all, there were, most of our team members hadn't met each other in person. We're a team of 12. And it was, first of all, incredible. It was so fun. Becky, who did most of the behind the scenes work on it? Just absolutely slayed. And it was, it was so nice. And there were a couple things that stood out to me.

[01:00:09] One, we, maybe it's the nature of the work that we do. We talk about nervous systems all the time. There was no like. Pressure for anyone to do all the things. It was like, here's an offering. Some people are gonna go for a walk, some people are gonna go watch a movie, some people are gonna sit and chat. You can do whatever you want, like at different points in the day.

[01:00:30] The only request was that everyone was together for dinner each day. And then we had one work activity for an hour, and then there was an optional vision boarding activity from Ellen, 

[01:00:45] Rachel: which, Ellen, if you're listening, 

[01:00:47] Alyssa: my kids made vision boards this morning. So, oh my gosh. It's working. It's, it's working.

[01:00:53] Um. I came home with my vision board and s Zach was like, you made a vision board. I was like, I was being a team player. It's so out of character for you, out of character. Uh, I was like, I need so many more instructions to feel comfortable. I was looking around, I'm like, okay, what am I supposed to be doing?

[01:01:12] Oh, you're supposed to put a background on. Okay. Okay. Okay. And then like, what is the, how do I make this artistic? I don't know how to, I need more instructions. It's just not how my brain works, Zach. It's like the perfect amount of instructions for him. If it's like, here's one guideline and here's all the materials.

[01:01:31] That's like how his brain works. And mine's like, this is, this is actually why I'm getting so off topic what I was gonna say, but, uh, this is actually why I think for me, um, Montessori would not have been a good fit for my brain because there's, it's very open-ended and child driven and. I do better with more structure and instruction.

[01:02:01] That's the way I'm most creative. Then I'm like, like you give me a problem that's broke or like a problem or a system that's broken or whatever. I'm like, yes, now let me go to town and like solve it. But when things are so open-ended, I'm stuck. I thought you did great. Thank you. Thank you very much. It was not relaxing or enjoyable for me.

[01:02:25] Okay. It was stressful for me. I'm like, what am I supposed to be doing the whole time people are like, I mean, I did enjoy jamming to some Shania Twain. That was the highlight of vision boarding for me were the tunes, um, and the hang with the people. But the actual activity caused me stress. I thought it was fun.

[01:02:45] Yeah, to, we have very different brains. Yeah, for sure. Very different. Um, but I was all this to say, we came home, we were gone for a while. Like I presented at a conference on Thursday, so I left my kids early Thursday and then Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And then I worked all day in one of our school districts near where we had the retreat on Monday.

[01:03:09] So I didn't see them for five days, which is the longest I've been away from them. And I came back, I was on the drive home on Monday and I was like, wow, I am a refreshed parent. Hmm. Like I am ready to be the parent I wanna be. And oh man, how quickly the stimulation of children brings me back to like, now I need another five, gimme another five 

[01:03:40] Rachel: days.

[01:03:40] I think it's also like what came up for me when I got home was like. And I didn't realize it until it was taken away again. But, um, you know, during that five days, which was also the longest I've left my kids, I could just take care of myself whenever I wanted. Like, I could just like a hundred 

[01:03:56] Alyssa: percent 

[01:03:57] Rachel: eat.

[01:03:57] And like, 

[01:03:58] Alyssa: we were like, Rachel, do you wanna go work out? Oh yeah, let's go. 

[01:04:00] Rachel: Totally. Or like, at one point I, when you guys were all watching a movie, I just went to bed in the middle of the day and took a nap. And like, I didn't realize how much that freedom is not part of my life until I got home. And it was like, wow.

[01:04:17] And we're back. And a, you know, I mean, it's just like the constant stimulation needs, like, emotion, just all of it. I mean, you know, and you're even in the thick of it with younger kids. But I was just like, whoa. And that adjustment of like, okay, I'm back on at all times. 

[01:04:36] Alyssa: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. A hundred percent.

[01:04:39] There's so much stem I'm back on and. When I'm not at my house and I'm on like a vacation, I'm not at my house, I'm not looking around at all the house projects and just like stuff that needs to happen. Whereas when I'm home, I couldn't experience what I just experienced if I was home, even without the kids.

[01:04:56] 'cause remember we said like, can you imagine if we had five days at our house without kids? It's like Mountain get so much done mountain we would get done. Yes. Yeah. And oh my gosh, my basement would be cleaned out and all these things would be reorganized. And the thing about being at another place was like there wasn't that.

[01:05:16] Yeah, we didn't have to think about that stuff. No. We could just chill. And we had 12 moms staying in a house, so even like dishes or putting out food for the next meal or whatever it was like. Such a tag teamed effort. Kylie slaying the breakfast and lunch breads. Yeah, she totally did. That's her jam. And she went outside and got flowers from outside and put them on the table.

[01:05:43] Rachel: I miss being fed by Kai for sure. Yeah. 

[01:05:46] Alyssa: Kai, can you move in? Actually, you just feed me every day. Just, yeah. I just come to a spread in the morning and at lunch and that would be lovely. Thank you so much. Uh, yeah, no, I I, it was like a reset for my nervous system and, and in a good way, like I've come back into it and been like, okay, what is it that I need to really build into every day to increase my capacity mm-hmm.

[01:06:14] Uh, for the humans around me and so that I can show up more frequently as the parent I wanna be. Yeah. Same. Because Nonstop baby. 

[01:06:25] Rachel: Nonstop. Mm-hmm. 

[01:06:29] Alyssa: Mm-hmm. 

[01:06:30] Rachel: Who, who are we chatting about today? Okay, so today we're chatting about Lindsey Simcik and this is like relationship and friendship changes through motherhood or parenthood.

[01:06:41] Alyssa: I love her so much. I'm going down, uh, to New York, to the city to record in person with her, for her podcast for big kids. And just so deeply looking forward to sitting down and getting to hang with her again for a couple hours. She's such an easy person to be around. 

[01:07:01] Rachel: Yeah. She's so genuine and like authentic in the way she shares about things.

[01:07:06] Alyssa: Yeah. 

[01:07:07] Rachel: And present. Mm-hmm. 

[01:07:08] Alyssa: Yeah. Yeah. I love her. Um, I met her at an event, uh, meta, like Facebook, meta whatever, hosted a Mother's Day event for different like influencers. That word makes me not throw up, but, uh. And I was invited to it and I met her there and I'd never met her before. And it was one of those where I just immediately was like, I need to be talking to this person.

[01:07:34] Hmm. We sat down next to each other and just chatted literally the whole rest of the time that she was there. She and I just hung out and it was so easy breezy to chat with. So anyway, I am grateful we got to have her on the pod. Yeah. And, and do some more of that. The friendship thing after you have kids is so different.

[01:07:57] Rachel: It's really different. And I think like, especially if like I was the first in my friend group to have children. 

[01:08:05] Alyssa: Yeah. 

[01:08:06] Rachel: Um, and a lot of my friendships changed or ended after becoming a mom, and part of me felt like guilty about that, but I just couldn't show up in the way that I had before. And like. The lifestyle differences.

[01:08:23] Like I just couldn't just go out and do something at like eight o'clock at night just on a whim. Totally. You know, and I had Nora when I was 22 Yeah. About to be 23. And so like a lot of my friends were still living like a very free life. Yeah. I was young, wild, and free at 23 dad. Right. Many weren't married, they didn't have kids.

[01:08:46] And so just by way of logistics, like I could not be present in their lives because I had a baby to take care of. Um, yeah. 

[01:08:57] Alyssa: So as long I just, I just feel like I am in a season where I'm not a great friend and I'm kind of okay with that right now where I'm like, there are some balls that are gonna drop right now.

[01:09:11] And I'm like, I'm gonna try and show up for my kids and for my partner and for myself and for work. And then try and around that build in like family and then friends and it's just not a high one on my priority list right now. Yeah. When it feels like there's not a ton of time and I feel so grateful. I get, every day that I go to work, I get to hang out with people that like fill my connection cup.

[01:09:43] Mm-hmm. In a lot of ways, I also have found it really hard in the work that I do to navigate friendships. I think especially here in Burlington, I was seed and so before I was a parent and a hundred percent of the friends I have now knew seed before they knew me. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. And I. That's like tricky to navigate for sure.

[01:10:22] I think, where I'm like, yeah, also I'm gonna lose my crap and not wanna be around my kids and get overstimulated and overwhelmed and you can too. It's almost like they, I don't know, there's like an idea that they have to, like, there are a couple people who, the first few times I hung out with them, they're like, oh, cover Alyssa, or like, don't listen to this part, whatever.

[01:10:43] And for me that was just like a turnoff to hanging out with them. I was like, oh, they see me as seed and so, and they think that they're supposed to be perfect in parenting or whatever and Yeah. 

[01:10:54] Rachel: Yeah. Like you couldn't be your authentic self and they didn't feel like they could be their authentic selves.

[01:10:59] Yeah. Correct. 

[01:11:00] Alyssa: Yeah. Yeah. I have one friend who's a newer friend who no seed I, when I got her like a tour of her house the first time, tiny humans on her nightstand, actively reading it. But she isn't on social. Mm-hmm. And so she's like consuming the material, but isn't, I don't know, it feels different and she very much treats me as Alyssa and I love it.

[01:11:31] Rachel: Yeah. I mean, I feel like in you have to, in friendship, you have to feel like, and it has to be reciprocal, that both people can show up as like who they are. Um, yeah. Including like losing your cool or like not saying the right things, quote, you know, like just, mm-hmm. I don't know. I think that was key for me.

[01:11:54] I didn't feel like I could prioritize friendship until I found a group of people who, A, I felt like I could be myself with, and b. Were other parents with similarly aged kids where it's just the assumption that yeah, we may not text back like on a timely manner or it's we can't hang unless kids are welcome 'cause none of us have childcare.

[01:12:18] Correct. And so like when, when I found that where it was like, yeah, everybody's gonna show up with their kids and we're all going to like contribute to food and cleanup, and the kids have a place to be where they can be kids, then I was like, okay, yeah, I can prioritize friendship if this is what it looks like.

[01:12:37] Yes. But I couldn't before. 

[01:12:40] Alyssa: Yeah, that's it. Like the friendships that I have now are like, oh, we're, we're just doing life together, you know, like we are. We're starting with Summer Thursday's backup. We have just like said to our friend group in the summer, we have a pretty big backyard. We rent where we are and it used to be a childcare program, a family childcare provider, and there's a big playground in our backyard and a pretty decent backyard itself.

[01:13:05] And so we're like a good summer hang spot and so on. Thursdays kick starting this week, we say, all right, we'll put a cooler out with ice and we'll fire up the grill and like bring your own food and drinks and whatever. But come hang and you can hang as long as you wanna hang. You can bathe kids at our house if you wanna do that.

[01:13:27] Most of the humans come with jammies in hand and like they stay until almost bedtime. Put their kids in jammies and head on home. Nobody has like dinner cleanup. There's no, everybody just gets to hang and it's so chill. It's like our version of Meet Me at the beach. Yeah. And that's the kind of like friendship hang I can handle right now is like, oh, bring your kids and let's hang out and eat food and have half conversations because I have to go save my 1-year-old from falling off something that she's climbed up onto or whatever.

[01:13:59] Rachel: Absolutely. Yeah. We, um, I had my 15 year high school reunion this weekend, and even just to get away for like two hours, of course it started at bedtime, so I was like, all right, my kids are gonna be up past bedtime. It's gonna be like a whole thing. And we left earlier than most other people. That kind of stuff.

[01:14:23] It's like so logistically stressful. I'm just like, yeah, I, I don't wanna. 

[01:14:28] Alyssa: Yeah. Figuring out how to get there and go and do, yeah. Oh great. I like something that Lindsey said about, I'm trying to remember her phrasing, but that she has felt more like herself in motherhood than ever before was the gist. And that resonated with me in that I chose a career where I could be around kids and be engaged in child development until I was ready to have kids.

[01:14:56] And kids have just been my world as long as I can remember. And having them specifically like entering into motherhood with my first kid, I feel like I felt more holy me. Mm-hmm. It was like a piece of my identity I'd always yearned for. Yeah. Was then like honored in there and present. Yeah, 

[01:15:27] Rachel: I felt that with Nora.

[01:15:28] Um, I had always envisioned being a mom and I mean, Cody and I were not even married a year before we had Nora or before I got pregnant. And that was intentional. Like that's what we wanted. We knew we wanted kids early and I felt very fulfilled just hanging out with her. Like I mm-hmm. I didn't feel pulled to do things that would involve separating from her.

[01:15:54] Same, um, 

[01:15:57] Alyssa: yeah. I, it was different for me once I had Mila, but it, that's how it was with Satie. I almost sold seed. Yeah. I was like, I don't wanna do anything other than stare at this cute human's face. Yeah, totally. 

[01:16:14] Rachel: I felt that with 90, I did not feel that was Abel from, for. Postpartum depression and constant crying.

[01:16:19] I mean, I love him just as much, but I was like, whoa, this totally, this sucks. 

[01:16:24] Alyssa: Yeah. I think that was it too. Like I had prenatal depression and then postpartum depression and yeah. I think I just, now looking back, I'm like, yeah, I, it makes sense that I wasn't like, I just wanna stare at you and savor this time.

[01:16:43] I'm like, I love you so much, and I love babies and I'm living with depression. Yeah, yeah, 

[01:16:55] Rachel: totally. I was like, I love you so much and I'm just trying to survive your infancy, and part of the reason this is so hard is because I do love you so much and I wanna do right by you. Um, and I don't feel like I can.

[01:17:12] Yeah. You know? Yes. 

[01:17:14] Alyssa: Yeah. Yeah, I now am embarking on a season where I'm away from them more than feels right for me. And I was saying to Zach that the, for me, it's always this kind of like, I wouldn't call it a balance, but trying to find like what needs my attention more at any given point. You know, is it the kids?

[01:17:42] Is it our partnership? Is it work? Like what, what is it? And there are seasons like postpartum where it's the kids and it's being home with family and work doesn't get very much of me. And there are seasons where work gets more of me. And in publishing this book and in creating some really cool things that we're working on behind the scenes at Seed, I feel so like in on work and like juiced up about work, I'm fired up about stuff that.

[01:18:16] We've basically been collecting data for a while now on schools and childcare programs and the ways that they use our materials and ways that we can better serve and support people and how to make a culture shift happen in schools. And now we're creating tools to do that. And that's really frigging exciting and fun for me.

[01:18:41] And it means more work time and more work focus. And I have this like pull that's just like also that other part that comes up that's like, don't miss their childhood as if I'm missing their childhood. Like, 

[01:18:59] Rachel: you're definitely not, but definitely 

[01:19:02] Alyssa: not. But when I do have that like stronger pull to work, sometimes that part comes up.

[01:19:08] It's, it's really when I'm traveling a lot. Mm-hmm. When I'm like gone outside of their school day a lot, that's where it comes up and yeah. Just trying to be mindful of that and Right. The ship where I can, and also know that it's okay for me to not be at every single thing if I get to change and shift the world they get to live in.

[01:19:32] Mm-hmm. Yeah. Big picture thinking. Yeah. Not doing it to 'em. I'm doing it for 'em. Yeah, for sure. And you're definitely not missing. Their childhood. Oh, those parts. Oh, they show up. 

[01:19:49] Rachel: Yeah. 

[01:19:50] Alyssa: Yeah, yeah. Well, I hope that people check out almost 30, the podcast and their new book is, it's so cool because it really just talks about our identity and who we are and how we show up, and how that shifts and changes, and how to navigate those shifts and changes with intention and being able to kind of tune inward to ourselves.

[01:20:15] Um, I think a lot of people hear almost 30 in, you know, um, I'm, I'm almost 40, so totally. Still applicable. Still applicable. Still applicable, yeah. Yes. Thanks for tuning in to Voices of Your Village. Check out the transcript at voices of your village.com. Did you know that we have a special community over on Instagram hanging out every day with more free content?

[01:20:40] Come join us at seed dot and dot. So SEW take a screenshot of you tuning in, share it on the gram and tag seed. Do and do so to let me know your key takeaway. If you're digging this podcast, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode. We love collaborating with you to raise emotionally intelligent humans.