How to Respond to Triggering Phrases Like, “I Hate You” with Rachel and Alyssa (Rebroadcast)

Disclaimer: This transcript was generated with the help of AI and may contain minor errors or inconsistencies. Please refer to the audio for the most accurate representation of the conversation.

Alyssa: [00:00:00] You're listening to Voices of Your Village, and today we're bringing you a special rebroadcast of one of our most popular episodes. The village keeps coming back to this one, and for good reason. In this episode, Rachel and I dive into those moments when kids say things that feel rude, hurtful, or even shocking. We unpack why these behaviors often come from a place of dysregulation, what might be going on beneath the surface, and how to respond in a way that builds connection instead of shame. We also talk about what it looks like to model emotional regulation and healthy repair, even when we're triggered ourselves, and why it's okay to be a work in progress. These are themes we go even deeper into in our book Big Kids, Bigger Feelings, which is out now and full of tools to help you navigate these moments with more confidence and compassion. All right, folks, let's dive in.

Alyssa: [00:00:57] Hey there. I'm Alyssa Blask Campbell. I'm a mom with a master's degree in early childhood education and co-creator of the collaborative emotion processing method. I'm here to walk alongside you through the messy, vulnerable parts of being humans, raising other humans with deep thoughts and actionable tips. Let's dive in together.

Alyssa: [00:01:17] Well, this is fun. We get to hang instead of doing just a breakdown. Do a full episode together.

Alyssa: [00:01:23] I am so.Stoked about this and something that like I it's just so real. The like things that kids say that outside of the moment we can laugh about, right sometimes. But in the moment when they say them, I immediately am like, oh, two can play this game. And like that's where I go to first is like combative, like on the aggression.

Rachel: [00:01:58] Yeah. Beast mode is what I call that.

Alyssa: [00:02:00] Correct. Yeah. Like you're gonna call me stupid or I'm the dumbest mom, or I'm like, great. Yeah. Have fun not getting anything from me. Then enjoy the rest of your day. Where you're just missing me because I'm not waiting on you. I'm not making your snack. I'm not. Whatever. How dumb am I now? How am I the meanest mom now, right? Like that's what happens for me first.

Alyssa: [00:02:24] Is that I want to rescind all available connection so that you feel the pain of what you just said.

Alyssa: [00:02:38] And then the second thing that comes up for me is how are you going to exist in the world. What a spoiled brat. Like you cannot just be disrespectful to humans.

Rachel: [00:02:49] Yeah. That comes up for me a lot in this.

Alyssa: [00:02:51] No one's gonna want to be your friend.

Rachel: [00:02:53] In this age range that my kids are particularly for Nora. Yeah.

Alyssa: [00:03:01] And then sometimes I can get to the place of like oh yeah. This is not about the words that they're saying.

Rachel: [00:03:11] Yeah. I can arise there too. The speed at which I arrive there can vary for sure. Varies quite a lot.

Alyssa: [00:03:20] But when I think about this, you know, those phrases that are just like, they cut you. It's just hurtful and where it seems like they're ungrateful. Hit me with some common ones in your household right now, I feel like you got some good one liners that come out of those kids.

Rachel: [00:03:33] Yeah, so Nora was the queen of one liners for a long time, and she would say that it was never going to be my birthday, or like, I was the meanest mom on the earth. Abel used to tell me he was going to throw me in a dumpster, and, like, I, part of me was like, wow, that's kind of funny. And the other part of me was like, are you fucking kidding me? I do everything for you, and you're telling me you're gonna throw me in a dumpster because we're in target and I'm not buying you the Matchbox car that you want, like.

Alyssa: [00:04:06] The punishment does not fit the crime.

Rachel: [00:04:08] We're in the car the other day, and I said something that, like, irritated Nora. I don't remember what it was. I think I like, repeated something she said that I thought was funny and she didn't like it because embarrassments a trigger for her. And Cody was, like, trying to lighten the mood. And he's like, Nora, just love your mom. And Nora was like, well, it's hard when she acts like that. And I was like, oh, burn!

Alyssa: [00:04:34] Oh my gosh, it's so real. And like, for me, it's this balance of how do I with all skills, right? Like how do I respond in the moment and then outside of the moment, what are we gonna talk about.

Alyssa: [00:04:49] Same with like if somebody hits somebody or hurts them or whatever The same thing with words or hurtful phrases that in the moment. What that means is they're experiencing a feeling or some sort of dysregulation that they don't yet know what else to do with. They don't have another skill to turn to. They don't know how else to communicate their pain, their fear, their embarrassment, their disappointment, their sadness. And so it comes out with these hurtful phrases.

Rachel: [00:05:22] Yeah. I think part of it for me is like the detective work of like what's actually going on here. And with Nora it's almost always like restraint collapse from holding it together for everybody else in her life. And then she's like a total beast for me. And so it's like, I know that.

Alyssa: [00:05:43] Congrats.

Rachel: [00:05:44] Right. So it's like, I know that she knows how to move through the world in a pro-social way. So, like, that's not my fear with her. My fear is or my concern. And my goal is for her to know how to be in communication with her safe people in a way that's still kind and respectful, even when you are having a difficult feeling. And frankly, I same goal. I don't always model this for her. Right? So it's like I can't expect perfection out of her when I am still a cranky ass when I'm pmsing and right. But we do this. We're like, no, you will respect me. You will speak kindly to me regardless of what's going on under the surface. And then it's like, okay, but she just heard me snap at her dad. And then when she asked me for something, I snapped at her. And it's like, yeah, if I'm allowed to have a time where I can't access regulation, I'm crabby. How can I expect differently from her?

Alyssa: [00:06:47] Yeah, she's also allowed to have that time.

Rachel: [00:06:48] She's human.

Alyssa: [00:06:50] But I agree. Like, I think you just hit on something that is often missing from the conversation, that having safe people doesn't mean we get to be rude to them all the time, because there are safe people to break down to right where like, yeah, I hold it together at work or I've had a long day and then Zack gets the worst of me. I can't do that every day and still continue to be in a respectful relationship with him. Right? Just like he's not allowed to do that either. He's not allowed to hold it together during the day for everybody else and for the kids, and then just be really rude to me all night, right? And I think that's something that's often left off the table in this conversation is like, we are aware that we get the meltdown and the breakdown and the hard parts of our kids and our partners if we're there, safe people. But I think that there is also room for conversation around communicating with each other, even when we're having a hard time. Right? That like one way I'm thinking of this was Zack and I is that I have learned that I am not my kindest when we are like getting out the door to go on any sort of trip, like we're going to my parents for the holidays or whatever the like hour and a half to two hours leading up to us actually pulling out of the driveway.

Alyssa: [00:08:27] I'm not very kind. And so what I've learned after a million times of messing this up, a million times of just like being rude, getting in a fight with Zack as we're getting out the door, then sitting in silence, or him sitting in silence, and me continuing to be rude for the first chunk of our trip or whatever. Like after many a times of that, I have realized I need to say as little as possible. And so I will. And like it's almost like the silent treatment preemptively where I'm like, I know that I can only communicate necessities with you right now, because everything else that's going to come out of my mouth is so unfiltered, and I need to just be quiet in order to be kind. And then once we're on the trip and we're in the car, if I've done that and I haven't totally just like thrown shit at our relationship, then it's pretty easy for us. Like, then we're like moving and we're grooving.

Alyssa: [00:09:36] I'm like, okay. And then I settle in and then I can, like, be a more regulated human. It's that transition of like, is everything packed? Do we have everything we need to do? And then immediately I go into like, well, I'm the only one who would know because I'm the one who carried all this like mental load and labor and whatever, which also, frankly, isn't true. But in the moment it feels so true. And I'm like, oh yeah, oh, we don't have food for the car, because guess what? Because I didn't plan it. No one else did and no one else would, right? Like, all those things come up for me and I can just say so many hurtful, rude things in a matter of 14 seconds that I just need to be quiet. And that's one of those for me of like, if most likely beans is potentially going to inherit this trait, then what I want her to know is that sometimes saying nothing as you move through your dysregulation is more important and powerful than saying all the things. And that's how we're kind to each other, because this really isn't about the other person, it's that you're dysregulated moving through this transition.

Rachel: [00:10:48] Yeah. So that's my challenge with Nora is like being in close relationship and also knowing like something that's helpful for me with her is knowing like embarrassment is one of her absolute biggest triggers. So if she's feeling embarrassed, she goes defensive.

Alyssa: [00:11:06] So same with Seiji.

Rachel: [00:11:07] It's like it's even just like my tone will impact the trajectory. Like, if I'm like, Nora, that's enough. You need to speak kindly to me. It's like, okay, but if I if I'm like, hey, Nora, I really, really don't like it when you speak to me like that. I need you to speak to me with kindness. Then it's more like a okay, so it's like learning that about your kid's nervous system, which takes some, like, trial and error can have a huge impact on how it shakes out. And frankly, half the time I'm not regulated enough to be like, okay, she feels embarrassed. Let me change my tone. I'm just like, you better cut it out. You know what I mean?

Alyssa: [00:11:50] 100%. Well, that's the tricky part of, like, hurtful phrases when kids say things is that we get triggered, right? And so in order to respond to what's actually driving the behavior, we have to be able to see beyond the behavior and get curious. And that requires us to notice our own dysregulation, regulate and respond with intention. And y'all, we're not gonna do that 100% of the time. There isn't a single this is one of my I will, like, die in this hell. This is one of my pet peeves of, like, parenting influencers, of which we probably would be shamed into. But is the like idea that you practice this enough times that, like, you might have that initial internal reaction of annoyed or whatever, but that you'll get to a place where when you feel that you notice it, you take your space, you calm your body, you rewrite that script for yourself, and you respond with intention. And then you're going to do that all the time. And I'm just like, bullshit like that isn't also, it's just not the goal. Like, then you're gonna spend so much time living with guilt or feeling like you're not doing a good enough job and you're failing your kids because you're just human and you're showing them that, yeah, everybody makes mistakes. And today I made some.

Rachel: [00:13:15] I think that is key is like if we are striving for perfection than what we're modeling to our kids is that you're only good enough if you're perfect. And that's not a message that we want to be sending to kids or ourselves, frankly, 100%.

Alyssa: [00:13:30] And I think both can be true here of like, I want to help you build the skill set for speaking kindly to us. And I don't want to, like, condone this behavior and just, like, allow it time and time again. And I think that's where we can get caught up. And similarly we're like, if a kid hit me across the face, I wouldn't be like, yeah, they just can keep hitting me while I'm here. Like, because they're dysregulated. They can keep hitting me until they're calm and we'll work on the hitting outside that no, I would hold their hand and say, won't let you hurt my body. I would stop them. I would either remove myself or remove them if need be. I would stop the physical portion of this and then move into holding space for them. And ultimately, once we're regulated and outside the moment, talk about the behavior piece and like, oh man, when your body fell out of control, when you were feeling embarrassed, you were hitting my body, I won't let you hurt me. Let's think of some things that we can do when you start to notice you're feeling embarrassed, right? And like we can build those skills outside the moment. But same with hurtful phrases where just like you said, like, Nora, I need you to speak to me kindly. Even shifting that into a boundary of like, hey, I would love to stay here and chat with you if you're speaking kindly to me, if you aren't able to be kind right now, let's take some space and we'll come back to this when you're ready. Yeah, we're like, you're not in trouble. I'm not ignoring you, and I'm not gonna allow you to slap me across the face, right? Like I'm not gonna sit here while you are just saying hurtful phrases because you're dysregulated. No, I want you to notice what this feels like, learn some skills for regulation, and I can co-create that with you. And then we can come back to the table when we're not verbally hitting, if you will.

Rachel: [00:15:28] Right. Yeah. And here's how that sometimes shakes out here for people who maybe have older kids and are like So Nora, for example, if I'm like, okay, I'm not going to have this conversation. If you're going to speak to me like that, she'll usually have like some kind of snappy one liner that's like, well, if you weren't speaking to me like that, you know, something like that.

Alyssa: [00:15:48] If you weren't so dumb. Yeah. I wouldn't have.

Rachel: [00:15:50] To speak to you if you didn't have such a bad attitude. That's one thing that she loves to say to me. And honestly, usually I am having a bad attitude. But that aside, I will either take space from her or ask her to take space. Like, one of our rules in our family is like, you're not allowed to be in a common space of the house if you are not treating people with kindness and respect. So sometimes that means that I'm like, hey, you got to go take space, and she will communicate her rage to me by slamming her door repeatedly, at which point I will have to hold the door in place until the wave of rage passes through her, and then we're able to reconnect. But just wanted to share that for anybody who's like, yeah, cool. I can tell my kid all day that they have to take space if they're not being kind. And here's what happens. Like, same. She's not just like, okay, I'll go sit in my room until I can be kind. Like, she's still mad and there's a way to navigate it that's still upholds that boundary. And in this house, it means that I stand outside her door and hold the doorknob. There have been times where I've said things like, hey, if you slam your door until the point that it breaks, I'm not taking.

Alyssa: [00:17:02] It off that hinges.

Rachel: [00:17:03] I'm not gonna replace it. So you're putting your privacy at stake here so you can choose. If being able to close your door and have time by yourself is a value for you. You might want to cut the shit.

Alyssa: [00:17:19] Yeah. Thank you for that distinction. Because I also feel like people when we talk about setting and holding boundaries, that people are like, yeah, okay, my kid's not just going to do that. It's like, yeah, mine either. They're not like, oh, thanks, mom. I see that you have my best interests at heart. And thank you so much for looking out for me. I'm gonna go. You know what? I do need to. Take some space. Thank you so much. Just like if in the moment when I'm being a beast to. Zach, as we're trying to get out the door, if he was like, hey, I am going to take space from you until you can be kind to me. Immediately what comes up is more rage. Like, I will just double down and he walks away and I'm. Like, excuse me. No. And I will follow him and continue to rage. Yeah, right. Like he then he just won't respond. This happened very early in our relationship where I remember getting into an argument with him. And I started to yell, and he just left where we were and went home. And I was like, that is not how this works. I yell, you yell, I yell, you yell. At some point, somebody stops. And then we're done with the yelling. But he was just like, yeah, I'm not gonna engage in conversation with you if you're yelling at me.

Rachel: [00:18:43] Yeah.

Alyssa: [00:18:45] And I had to, like, learn what it looked like to be in relationship without that.

Rachel: [00:18:50] Oh, our marital counselor had to teach me how to do that. Like I loved early in our marriage, I. So Cody is somebody who needs time to process, first of all.

Alyssa: [00:19:03] Same air. Married one and not same me. I mean, I married one.

Rachel: [00:19:06] I know. And also, if there is, if a conflict is reaching a certain level, he's just like, I'm out. I'm not doing this. I early in our marriage was like, oh no, you're in. We are doing this like, I'm gonna chase you down. If you walk away from me, I'm gonna get so much more angry and I'm gonna, like, weaponize that, which is totally like an anxious response.

Alyssa: [00:19:32] It's all like, oh.

Rachel: [00:19:33] It's not. It's like I'm afraid of it's.

Alyssa: [00:19:35] A power and control thing.

Rachel: [00:19:37] And also.

Alyssa: [00:19:38] Like, no, no.

Rachel: [00:19:38] If we don't resolve.

Alyssa: [00:19:39] This, have control.

Rachel: [00:19:40] Or like if we don't resolve this now, like this could be a real issue. Like we don't see eye to eye on this. And so I would literally you said you would follow Zach. I like there. I have memories early in our marriage of, like, basically chasing him down a hallway and him being like, stop chasing me. Like, I'm done with this conversation right now. Yeah. And I being, like, young in this marriage, when we entered into therapy, it was like so self-righteous about it. And I was like, yeah, like he he walks away and refuses.

Alyssa: [00:20:15] Just leaves conflict, just avoids it.

Rachel: [00:20:17] Yeah. He avoids conflict. He's afraid to talk about his feelings. And the counselor was like, what happens if you give him a little time and space? I'm like, yeah. Eventually he's ready to talk about it, but like that could take hours. Like, yeah. And the guy.

Alyssa: [00:20:33] Who knows what could happen in that time?

Rachel: [00:20:35] The counselor was like, yeah, it seems like he processes differently than you.

Alyssa: [00:20:42] Yeah. I just had a flashback to Zach being in the shower because I wouldn't leave him alone. He got in the shower and me standing in the bathroom and just going, and he's not saying anything. No, he's not responding.

Rachel: [00:20:52] Also, he doesn't need to because you're filling the space.

Speaker3: [00:20:54] I got all of it.

Alyssa: [00:20:56] This is a monologue. Yeah. So true. But so when I think of, like, kids saying herbal phrases, right, that they have to learn how to navigate their emotions and be in conflict without being in these reactive states, and it's a skill set. We have to develop that. It's not something you just get to like. They are going to have to learn. Urn. Oh, this is what it feels like in my body when I need to have this conversation right now. And I can't stop. And I'm going to be so rude and whatever. This is what it feels like. And here is what I can do next. Instead of exploding on the person around me. Right? Like legit still building some of those skills over here, right? Like, did research in this have a master's degree still building some of these skills. And so really giving them grace that yes, we also want to create a culture in which kids don't get to just be rude to us because we're their safe people, and they have to. There's like mini stones to milestones there, and that it's not gonna be something where they learn it and they always have access to it, right? Like, I have access to different levels of my skills depending on how regulated I am. How much did I sleep? What else is going on in my life? What are we trying to do right now? When was the last time I ate right? Like all those things. When we think of our book and the facts that we outline of, like, start here. All those are going to factor into what do they have access to in this moment, and how do we outside the moment help support those foundations so they have more capacity to be able to navigate the hard?

Rachel: [00:22:54] Yeah. One other thing that came up while you were talking about that, you know, it's kind of like we have to work against the culture that we live in to accomplish this, but to be able to be in conflict in a pro-social way, a requires knowing that conflict is just part of relationship and not something to be avoided. And B requires vulnerability because it's a lot easier to say, shut up, I hate you and storm away than it is to say I'm I'm disappointed. I feel.

Alyssa: [00:23:22] Left out.

Rachel: [00:23:23] Correct. Correct. And so I think like those those skills get built outside of the moment. And I think what's been most impactful for my children in our daily life is to see me trying to model that in my relationship with Cody because like Nora, for instance, like vulnerability is super hard for her. So for me to be like, hey, instead of slamming your door, you can say XYZ. She's like, yeah, cool. My nervous system's not down for that. Instead, for her to see it over and over and over again and have it be normalized, that like when dad and I get pissed at each other, like, here's what we say. And it's hard. Especially like growing up, I was encouraged to avoid conflict at all costs. So it's hard for me to even be like, you did this and it hurt. My feelings like that is hard for me to say.

Alyssa: [00:24:22] 100%.

Rachel: [00:24:23] You know, and like, I don't want it to be hard for my kids to say that. So I want them to see it over and over and over and over again. But yeah, vulnerability is hard.

Alyssa: [00:24:32] It's so hard. And you're right. Like when we can model it. And even breaking that down of like, can you as an adult say that? Can you say you did this? And it hurt my feelings to your partner in front of your kid? If not, maybe to start with those things, right. Of like, what can we model? What can we do also from a capacity standpoint? Zach had at one point said to me something about when Seiji, like his first six months of being alive, where he was like, oh yeah, I just swept a bunch of stuff under the rug there and was like, whatever that. And I was like, what do you mean? He was like, oh yeah, well, you were transitioning into motherhood, raging hormones, Moans. Sleep deprived, trying to figure out, like feeding a kid with your body. Like all these things. He was like. You were often, like, ruder to me than normal or snappier or whatever. And he was like, it was one of those things where I wasn't going to pick apart all those pieces because I knew it wasn't who you really were, and it was more like, you're doing the best you can in this season right now. And he was like, my time limit for myself was like six months.

Alyssa: [00:25:46] If she's still being really rude to me in six months, then we'll address it. But like for the first six months of this transition, we just might be ruder than normal. And as long as it's not something that's gonna stay. He was like, I figured I could just sweep it under the rug and, like, not expect as much really from me, where he just gave me so much more grace and how cool that is and how much we don't do that with kids, right? I think just the other day I was so tired and I was laying down on my mother in law's basement floor as my kids were playing around me, and they were both trying to get my attention and connection, and I had nothing to give. And I said something about like, oh yeah, mom of the year award over here. Like, I'm so tired. And my father in law was like, yeah, of course you are. And just listed off all the things that I've been doing and that I am doing on a daily basis. And he was like, that's exhausting. I was like, oh my gosh, thank you.

Rachel: [00:26:54] Yeah. And I think like, it's good for your kids to also witness that. Like one thing that's come up lately when my kids have conflict with each other, which generally happens around bedtime or after we've done something out of routine, is like one of them will come tell me what's happened and I'll listen and say like, okay, yeah, I'll chat with them in a little bit and they'll be like, no, talk to her now and explaining like, yeah, buddy, if I talk to her now, it's not going to accomplish what I want to accomplish. We're all really tired. It's 830. We just got back from a school event. You guys are usually asleep by now. I'm not going to have this conversation with Nora until the morning after she slept, and just modeling for them to that, like it might not get resolved right away. And it's uncomfortable, right? Because he's like, well, mom, if you don't talk to her right now, she's going to think that it's fine to take my stuff, right? Like that's his.

Speaker3: [00:27:49] Hilarious.

Rachel: [00:27:49] And I'm like, okay, if I talk to her right now, it's her brain is not even, like, turned on. The cognitive part of her brain is offline. We're not going anywhere with this right now. Like the girl needs sleep. You need sleep, I need sleep, but helping kids understand that sometimes in conflict resolution, it's not happening right away. And it's okay for that to be the case. Not that I'm going to let her continue. Like I'm gonna block her behavior and say like, yeah, no, you're not going to take his stuff right now. But I'm not going to talk to her about the behavior until she's in a regulated state where what I'm trying to teach her and the prosocial alternatives that I give her will actually be taken in 100%.

Alyssa: [00:28:35] And you can even add, as kids get older, like, we can talk about this tomorrow after we've slept, but like, I'm not you're going to stop the behavior. I won't let you take his things. We're going to get ready for bed. Everyone's super tired. We're going to come back to this tomorrow. Yep. And keeping.

Rachel: [00:28:51] It.

Alyssa: [00:28:51] Short and sweet. Yeah, but that's where people, I think, feel like because we've grown up so much in a punishment reward society that there's this fear of if I don't tackle this behavior and shut it down right now and punish it or talk about it or whatever, they're going to see it as like, I'm condoning it Yet. And what's huge here? Again, coming back to the facts that we wrote about in our book of like when those foundational needs aren't met, it they it can't sink in, right? Like they can't take that in. Just like when I'm in beast mode and we're trying to get out the door, if I just get out the door and I'm through the transition, I can have a more productive conversation. And Zach also in the early days, learned, like, don't say anything to her as she's in beast mode. And then once we're in the car and we're like into this trip and she chills out finally, then he would say like, hey, I didn't like how you were talking to me. You can feel overwhelmed getting out the door and be kind to me. And I'm like, yeah, okay, yeah, sure. But if he said that to me in the moment, I can't take it in. I'm going to continue to be reactive. It's like my Nervous system regulation has to come first. And same with our kids. Their nervous system regulation has to come first. I have said to Seiji, until we have eaten lunch or until we've had snack, I'm not going to continue having this conversation. I love you and we all need food in order to be kind.

Rachel: [00:30:33] Yeah. I've told both.

Alyssa: [00:30:37] It doesn't mean he stops. Right. No. It's not like he's like definitely. I'll wait till after lunch.

Rachel: [00:30:46] No 100%. One thing that I have said to both of my kids at different times is your sibling already knows they're not supposed to do that. They already know they are not able to stop themselves at this time, because they just really want, like justice, to be delivered on their timeline.

Alyssa: [00:31:08] All of us, right? It's why I stood in the bathroom as Zack showered, continuing to spew crap.

Rachel: [00:31:17] Yeah, and like, I don't know what it is, but my kids want to, like, witness the like.

Alyssa: [00:31:22] Of course.

Rachel: [00:31:23] And I'm like, guys, this is not like my priority is not for you to have your, like, feelings of justice delivered right now. Like, that's not the goal.

Alyssa: [00:31:33] They're like, but that's my priority.

Rachel: [00:31:35] They're like, that's my goal actually.

Alyssa: [00:31:38] On.

Alyssa: [00:31:38] Hundred percent.

Alyssa: [00:31:39] Well, I.

Alyssa: [00:31:40] Grew up very much where my in my household, my older brother, who's like the closest in age to me, he's four years older than me, was the one who, like, got in the most like fights with like verbal and seven. I he would say stuff and I'd be like mom he said blah blah blah. And she would be like, just ignore him. And then my comeback ended up being like, don't raise a jerk and I wouldn't have to ignore him. And it really was the like, I don't feel seen in this. I feel like I'm the victim, and as long as he's still walking around being a jerk, I feel like nobody sees me.

Alyssa: [00:32:25] And so I think when it is like that sibling conflict, I think really what I wanted was for my mom to say that's really hurtful to hear. It's not true. He's having a hard time because he's hungry, because he's overwhelmed or something's going on for him. I'm going to help him figure it out separately. I'm sorry that happened.

Rachel: [00:32:51] Just validating that experience.

Alyssa: [00:32:53] Yeah. And that, like, it's not a true thing about you. This is about him being dysregulated.

Rachel: [00:32:58] Yeah.

Alyssa: [00:33:00] Like when he told me that he paid Ali Ty to come over and be my friend and play with me.

Rachel: [00:33:06] Beast mode.

Alyssa: [00:33:08] So rude. She's only here because I paid her.

Rachel: [00:33:12] Oh, that would have so gotten under my skin as a kid. Like.

Alyssa: [00:33:15] Oh, it did.

Rachel: [00:33:17] Big time. It's always triage, right? To when you're, like, dealing with, like, it's one thing. If it's like one kid saying one rude thing to you and you're like, you know, you're responding to that kid. But like, if it's like multiple kids were like saying shit to each other and it's like the triage of like often, honestly, for me in this family of mine, it's the perpetrating child that needs me more, right?

Alyssa: [00:33:40] 100% almost right.

Rachel: [00:33:42] Because but then the receiver is like spiraling, right? But then then the receiver is like, are you kidding me? How's it feel having a favorite child?

Alyssa: [00:33:50] 100%. And that's where I was like, Andrew never gets in trouble. He he gets to do whatever he wants. Like, whatever. Right. And that's where I just needed that, like sentence of validation and like, I see you ICU. And this sucks. It's not actually about you. And I'm going to go help them separately.

Rachel: [00:34:09] And I think that if you're dealing with one child and they're saying something rude to you, saying that to yourself like, this isn't about me, whatever this kid is saying is not about me.

Alyssa: [00:34:21] Yeah. And isn't even a reflection of who they are.

Rachel: [00:34:25] No, it's a reflection of them being dysregulated.

Alyssa: [00:34:29] Correct.

Rachel: [00:34:29] Or needing to know a different way to go about this.

Alyssa: [00:34:33] Yeah. And that's where the, like, still learning thing comes up for me of like, what are they still learning? Like, I was still for a long time learning what to do when I'm transitioning for a road trip. And it doesn't mean that I do it right all the time, and it doesn't mean that I feel zen while I'm doing it. It just means that what I have learned at this point that I can tap into most of the time now is that if I'm quiet during this, it will get better and I will get back to feeling calm. But that's saying less in these moments is powerful for my family. And like that was my still learning. And I think that phrase is so helpful in our household of like, what are they still learning? Not with the goal of you're going to reach it with perfection, ever. But even just that, like, oh yeah, that's something that's harder for their body. Like feeling left out or embarrassed. Feeling left out or like excluded is the one I wanted for beans will probably be to harder emotions that she'll have to learn to navigate than they are for Seiji. He's like, can you just leave me out?

Rachel: [00:35:56] He's like, actually, I'd prefer to be left out.

Alyssa: [00:36:01] And so like, they're gonna be things that like, she's going to be working on and still learning or that are going to be more challenging there for her versus for him. There are things that are more challenging because of who they are in the world.

Rachel: [00:36:15] Totally. And that's where I think, like. Doing the observation of your children to get a grip on, like, how does their body move through this world the other day in the car, sometimes the kids will play these questions where it's like, which would you rather? And Abels was like, mom, would you rather be lonely or. And it was some other thing that also sounded terrible to me. And I was like, really like going back and forth and I'm like, I don't know, buddy. That's a tough one. What about you? And he's like, lonely. Like, I just play by myself. I actually like that. I'm like, yeah, okay. We are such different humans.

Alyssa: [00:36:54] Like loneliness or like, can I relate?

Rachel: [00:36:57] Please don't make me be lonely. Please. But I think knowing that about our kids, it doesn't mean that they never say rude things or have hard behaviors, but I think it does give you a perspective of, like, more compassion towards it when it's happening.

Alyssa: [00:37:15] And just like what's really hard for them. And that that might be something that's different from what's really hard for you.

Rachel: [00:37:21] Right? Yeah. Process.

Alyssa: [00:37:23] Let's give folks some. So one of the things we've been talking about is how like I want to do less of the like, here's what you can say or do and more of the like, let's understand how our bodies work and how our kids bodies work. So one of the resources I want to share with folks is our seed quiz. If you go to Seed Quiz. Com, it's a regulation quiz. And starting in spring of 2025 here you can take it for any age, child and an adult. And it's totally free. Seed quiz Is.com if you want like more in depth analysis and be able to do like sensory match and mismatch stuff and see some videos on like implementation of all this, there's a paid option, but you can absolutely do this fully for free for everyone in your household. You can do it with your child. They can answer the questions themselves if you want to do it that way, and you can do it for yourself to just start to understand your nervous systems a bit more and be able to work toward some regulation, both proactively so we have more capacity. And then in the moment, how do you regulate and what does it look like to help that unique human regulate so that you can even get to the point of talking about the behavior or what else you can do? Can you hit us, Rach, with a couple key phrases that y'all use in your household in the moment? Or even like maybe a hot mix of like, what is what to say out loud and what to say internally to yourself when you're hearing these things from your children. Whew.

Rachel: [00:39:06] We do a lot of, like, I'm going to take space. I will say, like, I'm, I'm happy to talk about this, but I'm not going to talk until we can be kind to each other. I love that one. Things that I say to myself to try to regulate or stay calm is like, this isn't about me. I'll tell myself. I'll literally say to myself inside my head, like, don't take this personally.

Alyssa: [00:39:34] She will have friends down the road.

Rachel: [00:39:40] Yeah. He won't be a pathological liar or thief.

Alyssa: [00:39:45] His whole life.

Rachel: [00:39:48] Those are really the main ones. The the most impactful thing for both of my children is to have the ability and the reminder and the help from me, if they need it, to take space to cool down before we move forward. And able really will do this independently. Loves to be lonely, as he says he'll go into his room and lock the door and go under his bed.

Alyssa: [00:40:15] Your connection seeker is like, the last thing I want to be is lonely.

Rachel: [00:40:18] Totally. It's, like, so hard for her to.

Alyssa: [00:40:22] You know what I think? To rage. Because I'm thinking about you and I. And how we're both also connection seeking humans. And how a part of it for me is in walking away from the conflict is my fear that our disconnection won't be repaired, that if I walk away now, we're just going to maintain this disconnection that we're experiencing in the moment. And so I wonder if it might be helpful for kids who are those connection seeking kids who are like, I don't want to be lonely. I want to keep going to hear that I love you, and we're gonna work through this. I need a small break until we can be kind to each other, to keep going and figuring this out or something like that. But that validation around, like, I love you and we are going to figure this out.

Rachel: [00:41:15] Yeah. One thing that is a phrase actually that we use a lot, that nothing you do or don't do will change how much I love you. And nothing you say will change how much I love you. And of course, then the kids are like, but what if I was a murderer? You know, they love to really test that theory, but I think kids do need. Especially kids who are connection seeking, who struggle to be alone if they are being made to take space. That reassurance of like, our relationship is not fractured by this. I just, like, need a minute is important.

Alyssa: [00:41:55] Yeah, I feel like that's what I needed to know. When Zach's in the shower and I'm standing in the bathroom.

Rachel: [00:42:02] Yeah, or, like, when I'm chasing, I'm running down a hallway trying to chase Cody, and.

Alyssa: [00:42:06] They were just like, hey, we're gonna still be married. We're gonna figure this out. I just need a I need a little break for my brain to process all this so that we can be kind to each other.

Rachel: [00:42:16] Yeah.

Alyssa: [00:42:17] And here's your outlet for it. I also, like I early on was like, okay, if you're gonna need that amount of time to process, I'm an auditory processor. So I was like, can I reach out to Rachel or whatever and process this? And he was like, yeah, go ahead. And so I had the permission from him to like, okay, I do have a space where I can process and I would just reach out and I'd be like, that's the worst, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? And like, be able to spew it and have you be my sounding board and be able to see me through it so that then as he's regulating, I actually was also regulating. Right? But I needed an outlet for it. And so I think even like even journaling or a voice note or if there's someone that you can like, spew to. Yeah. To have access to that.

Rachel: [00:43:09] Yeah. The, the one other thing that just came up for me that I will say to my kids when there's conflict either between me and my child or between my two children is just to say like, hey, we're on the same team.

Alyssa: [00:43:22] We use that one a lot.

Rachel: [00:43:23] We're on the same team just so that they know, like no matter what is going down, it's never like it's never me versus you. We're not against each other. We have the same goals here.

Alyssa: [00:43:35] You know what I often get in response?

Rachel: [00:43:37] No we're not.

Alyssa: [00:43:39] Correct. More yelled at me like we're not on the same team, or you're not on my team, or I don't want to be on your team.

Rachel: [00:43:49] Oh, man. Yeah, we. I get a lot of, like, Nora loves to say stuff to me that, like. What did I say to her the other day? Oh, I there was a going to be a Christmas party, and it was going to be like, late in the evening. And I was like, no, the way that you're talking and acting is making me think you might be too tired for the Christmas party. She was like, I don't want to go to the Christmas party.

Alyssa: [00:44:08] You're like, well, you have to go to the Christmas party. There's like a there's a family friend story in Zach's family of this family that was camping, and the oldest was just like being a pain. There was nothing going on. And mom was like, you have to sleep in the van. And he was like, well, I want to sleep in the van. She was like, well, you can't sleep in the van. It's so we'll do that in our household, whatever you want, you can't have it. Oh my gosh, it's so real. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to go to the Christmas party. Well, you have to go to the Christmas party.

Rachel: [00:44:46] And it's like she does want to go because obviously her social cup is never filled, but she wants to make sure that I know that she's in control. In control. Yeah.

Alyssa: [00:44:57] Totally.

Alyssa: [00:45:00] Totally. Oh man. Being in relationship with other humans is hard and messy.

Rachel: [00:45:05] Oh it totally is. And like just when you think you're like all right I've got a grip on this. Like they change, you know, their brains change. And it's like all right, now we start again. And I'm getting curious now about this behavior. And I wonder what this might be connected to. And.

Alyssa: [00:45:24] Yeah.

Rachel: [00:45:25] It's a journey.

Alyssa: [00:45:25] Just. And it's a journey. And if you have older kids like that kindergarten to fifth grade range, we have a book, Rach and I, that we are coming out with big kids. Bigger feelings is publishing in fall of 2025. And you can snag that bad boy at dives into a lot of this. The like, snarky comments, the sassiness, the snippiness, the understanding what's coming up for us and also what's happening for them. So you can snag that preorder wherever books are sold. Big kids, bigger feelings and snag it once it's coming out here. Thanks for doing this with me, Rach.

Rachel: [00:46:05] Thanks.

Alyssa: [00:46:07] Thanks for tuning in to Voices of Your Village. Check out the transcript at Voices of Ivillage.com. Did you know that we have a special community over on Instagram hanging out every day with more free content? Come join us at. Take a screenshot of you tuning in. Share it on the gram and tag and to let me know your key takeaway. If you're digging this podcast, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode. We love collaborating with you to raise emotionally intelligent humans.