Seed and Sew Village Q&A with Rachel and Alyssa

Disclaimer: This transcript was generated with the help of AI and may contain minor errors or inconsistencies. Please refer to the audio for the most accurate representation of the conversation.

[00:00:00] Alyssa: You're listening to Voices of Your Village, and this episode was such a blast. We posted in stories on Instagram @seed.and.sew asking for your questions for Rach and I, and just did a full just q and a, pulled some questions directly from you to dive into, to answer, and it was a blast, so we're for sure gonna do that again.

[00:00:23] Make sure you're following along @seed.and.sew, also, if you're not following on your podcast app that you tune into, make sure you hit follow. And if you can, do us a favor and share this podcast with whomever in your life might benefit from it. Share it with a friend. Share it with a teacher. Share it with a fellow parent, share it with a co-parent or a grandparent.

[00:00:45] Share it over on social media because as you share, we get to support more people. And y'all, I have a big sign next to me here and all it says is impact. That is what I'm here for, to impact and support as many humans as we can, and your shares allow us to do that. Thank you so much for being a part of this village.

[00:01:07] And before we dive in, I want to remind you that Big Kids, Bigger Feelings is publishing soon, Rachel and I co-authored that bad boy. Head to seedandsew.org/book to snag your copy. If you get it in pre-order season, you can get a signed copy from me and support a local bookstore at the same time. If you go to seedandsew.org/book, you'll find that link there.

[00:01:32] All right folks, let's dive in.

[00:01:39] Hey there. I'm Alyssa Blask Campbell. I'm a mom with a master's degree in early childhood education and co-creator of the Collaborative Emotion Processing Method. I'm here to walk alongside you through the messy, vulnerable parts of being humans, raising other humans with deep thoughts and actionable tips.

[00:01:56] Let's dive in together

[00:02:00] Rachel: so. Nora needs braces, but like not for like another year. 

[00:02:06] Alyssa: Mm-hmm. 

[00:02:07] Rachel: Because she needs to lose some baby teeth and her best friend also needs braces. But like wasn't supposed to get them until next year. But now her treatment plan has changed. Mm-hmm. And she's getting them sooner. 

[00:02:21] Alyssa: You're a little connection seeker feeling left out 

[00:02:23] Rachel: 100%.

[00:02:24] So they were on, so her best friend has been texting me for the last several days trying to like get on the phone with Nora and it just hasn't worked. 'cause we've been busy so. This morning she texted and I'm like, yep, you can have about 20 minutes, like two minutes go by. And Nora comes and finds me and she's like, full sobbing.

[00:02:40] And I'm like, what happened? And she hands me my phone back and I'm seeing texts from her best friend come in that are like, are you okay? Are you mad at me? Can you call me back? So I'm like, Nora, what happened? She was like, I had to get off the phone because I didn't wanna cry on FaceTime, but. She's getting braces like this week and I'm not getting them for another year and just like complete.

[00:03:02] And it is, it's all about like connection, belonging, totally. All this stuff. So we worked through that this morning. Um, and I'm sure it will continue to come up as like her friend actually gets the braces and they're interacting and Whew. The emotions, the, just the social piece of like, it's just so important to her right now.

[00:03:26] Alyssa: So important 

[00:03:28] Rachel: and I, you know, there's a part of me, the my adult self that's like, who cares when? You get like, also braces suck. Um, and yeah, 

[00:03:38] Alyssa: they hurt. Brushing, brushing 

[00:03:39] Rachel: and flossing becomes this whole like chore. Like it's not fun. So that part of me comes up too and I really have to like pause and not respond with that part.

[00:03:49] You're such a 

[00:03:50] Alyssa: thoughtful parent because it's so hard to pause and not respond to that part, and to not just dismiss the thing. 

[00:03:57] Rachel: Yeah. 'cause also I'm work, I was working this morning, right? Yeah. Like I had, Madeline was here and I'm like, ugh.

[00:04:08] Alyssa: Oh, it's so real. It's so real. They're never like, is this a good time for you, for me to, is it convenient? 

[00:04:15] Rachel: Is it, is it convenient for me to break down right now? Frankly, 

[00:04:19] Alyssa: no. No, there isn't, actually. Thank you so much for asking. Um, I think that this is actually perfect for, you know, this episode is q and a where we just asked folks.

[00:04:30] For questions and we're gonna dive into them, and I actually haven't read through any of them yet, so this is gonna be, I haven't either. This is 

[00:04:37] Rachel: like a blind date. It's like a blind date. 

[00:04:41] Alyssa: I love it. Okay. Well, this first one that I just pulled up, our question doc from folks who submit it, it goes hand in hand with this.

[00:04:49] Somebody said they're really struggling with the quote, if you don't let me do X, Y, and Z, I'm gonna hurt you or I'm gonna do this other thing. And how to respond to your child when they're making that. Like, if you don't let me do this, I'm going to do this kind of threat. To you, which honestly a hundred percent I've done as a parent of like, if you don't do this, I'm going to do this.

[00:05:17] So this is, uh, obviously like we, I think as parents model this a lot. And every single time my kids repeat something back to me that I've modeled, I'm like, shoot. 

[00:05:30] Rachel: Yeah, same. I'm like, okay. That's pretty much a direct quote from me. So, 

[00:05:36] Alyssa: so, but how do we respond if they're like, if you don't let me have a snack right now, I'm gonna hurt you.

[00:05:42] Yeah. 

[00:05:42] Rachel: So I mean, first I'm blocking whatever physical things are happening and it looks different at different ages. Right. Because like able. Will actually try to follow through on that threat and try to like punch me or something. Right. So I have to be quick with that one, whereas like Nora will, will threaten to do something, but it's more of an empty threat.

[00:06:02] It's more to like see what, how I'll respond. Mm-hmm. But first I'll block the physical behavior if needed. Or with Nora, like I will let her know she can take space and if she's not willing to do that, I'll help her, which mm-hmm. Means I'll escort her to her room. Mm-hmm. And then once I've like set the physical safety boundary, I'm just validating like totally, it sucks that you're not allowed to do this thing that you wanna do.

[00:06:28] All of your friends get to play Roblox. Yes. And I'm saying no. And that stinks. Yeah. You feel left out. That makes sense. 

[00:06:36] Alyssa: Yeah. And allowing them to feel disappointed. I remember when I was on book tour for tiny humans, somebody asked like totally like, this makes sense and. How do I set the boundaries so that this child is not screaming back at me?

[00:06:53] And the challenge is that that's actually not my goal. Mm-hmm. Uh, I mean, we can build skills so they're not necessarily screaming back at you, but they're probably still gonna feel disappointed. They're gonna feel frustrated. They're gonna feel. Left out and they're gonna sometimes feel like you don't get it.

[00:07:13] You have no idea what it's like to be this age, because if you did, I would be able to play Roblox with my friends. Right. And allowing. The child to have their experience and experience their emotions without a, trying to make it go away, without trying to B prevented or c swoop in and like overexplain.

[00:07:37] So they know where you're coming from in that moment and so that they essentially then are like. Okay, mom, thanks for having my best interest at heart. Like right, you're probably not gonna get that. And I think that that's one of the harder things in parenthood is that setting and holding boundaries doesn't mean your kid is gonna get to a certain age or stage where they're not disappointed about it.

[00:07:59] Rachel: Yeah, I think, you know, one thing that was hard for me and still sometimes comes up, but like taking it personally, like when my kids are losing it, there's a part of me that like takes it personally and I have to remind myself like, this is not about me. They're experiencing something right now. This is not about me.

[00:08:13] Yeah. 

[00:08:14] Alyssa: Yeah. And I love the like, also I'm gonna hold that physical boundary and I'll say to them, I won't let you hurt me, and then I'll validate. You really wanna play Roblox and it sucks to feel left out. 

[00:08:25] Rachel: Mm-hmm. 

[00:08:26] Alyssa: Man, I know that feeling. And here is a beautiful phrase that I love to pop in, is I can help you with that feeling.

[00:08:35] Rachel: Mm-hmm. 

[00:08:36] Alyssa: Or I'm here with you so that they know like, I got you. I'm not mad at you. 'cause what's happening in that moment is their amygdala is firing. Right? Right. They in a like fight mode. If they're saying, if you don't let me do this, I'm gonna hurt you. They're not in a regulated state. And if we come in and we assert power and dominance and control, and we power over, what we do is say on a scale of one to 10, the amygdala is at a five.

[00:09:04] If we come in and assert power and dominance, we're actually just bringing that up to like an eight. Yeah. And the farther we go up, the harder and longer it takes to come down. Mm-hmm. And so if I pop in at that five. And I hold that safety boundary, and then I start to send signals with my body, with my tone, with my language, with my reaction that I'm not here to fight you.

[00:09:31] Right? And then I'm in this with you. What happens is the amygdala starts to calm Dr. Anna Housley Jester. She's gonna be in our summit next year for teachers. She was on the podcast before, uh, she wrote How To Train Your Amygdala, which is an awesome kids book. She talks about this analogy with a snow globe of like when it's still and there's no snow going around.

[00:09:56] That's a regulated state. And then something happens. Some kid says something on the bus or a sibling makes a mean comment or whatever, and it starts to snowball up. And then the reaction from the humans around you can either kind of bring that snow down or it can make more snow in the snow globe, and then it takes longer for it to settle back down versus if we can have some stillness.

[00:10:25] Someone who we trust, which is so key here because trust isn't something that we're gonna necessarily build in these hard moments. It's something we're gonna build in little moments outside of these hard moments so that when I walk in with my child. They don't see, oh shoot, I'm in trouble because mom's here.

[00:10:44] Right? They see, oh, thank goodness my safe person's here. Right. 

[00:10:48] Rachel: I think the other thing that really shifted things for me was not trying to teach my kids how to make a different choice in the future while they were still heated because they're not able to, and yeah. What happens is for my sensory sensitive kid, it floods him too much talking, floods him, and it makes it worse.

[00:11:10] And for my interceptive sensitive child, it puts her on the defensive immediately. We're no longer connected. So often I will wait until much later in the day to circle back and. I find for my kids, they feel really open to my feedback if I share a social story. Yeah. And so if it was a moment where they were angry at me because of a boundary that I set, I might talk about a time that I felt that way with my own mom.

[00:11:40] Just let them know, like, I really do understand what you're experiencing right now, and my answer doesn't change, but that doesn't mean that I can't be with you in this feeling. And then letting them know like, Hey, when you are frustrated with me, here's some other things you can do. Here's how you can let me know how frustrated you are in a way that's in alignment with how we treat each other in this family.

[00:12:04] I love that. And I don't expect them to do that the next time. I know that it's gonna be like 1,000,000,001 repetitions, and at some point you get to a place where your kid's like, you're really irritating me, mom and I need to step away. 

[00:12:18] Alyssa: Yes. It's a skillset they have to build over time and they're also, even once they have it, not gonna have access to it all the time.

[00:12:27] Right, right. And like that's the hard part because it's like, I wanna teach this and I want it to be done Right. And that's just not how it works in relationships, man. What a do. That's not how it works for us either. I mean, it's in any relationship. 

[00:12:39] Rachel: I'm snappy with my husband when I'm like under-resourced.

[00:12:43] Alyssa: Mm-hmm. Totally. A hundred percent. All right. Another one here that I, I just saw and I was like, oh, this hits home. I think for so many humans, how to navigate just getting one of your children more than the other, where you're like, oh, I just get that. Like for me, I'm a sensory match with Mila. Mm-hmm. She and I have very similar nervous systems.

[00:13:09] We navigate the world very similarly in terms of how our brain processes stimuli and we're both connection seeking humans. Relatively recently we had, we were gonna like be as a family on vacation for 10 days together, and so we carved out time ahead of that where Zach got some solo time. I got some solo time on a weekend day.

[00:13:34] Zach solo time was, he chose to go by himself to a record store and browse. He took himself out to lunch, like he talked to nobody. Mm-hmm. Saw no one he knew was just like, I just wanna be by myself. Mm-hmm. My. Solo time was in a group of friends, hanging out, going out to eat, chatting, connecting. 'cause that fills my cup and not his.

[00:14:00] And I look at this in our kids, like Mila's whole game is like, I just wanna be around humans. I wanna connect. If there are people to connect with, I'm all in. Mm-hmm. And it's so regulating for her and cup filling. And for Sie, it's the opposite, where like, he's like Zach, he's like, take me solo to a record store or whatever.

[00:14:22] Like, give me that solo opportunity where I have quiet and downtime. And so for me, it's so much easier for me if I'm on autopilot to just fall into supporting Mila so naturally because it's how I support myself. 

[00:14:41] Rachel: Hmm. Yeah, I, um, this happens for me too, and we actually talk about this in Big Kids about having like a connection blueprint and the way that ABLE Connects is very similar to how I like to connect.

[00:14:57] And so it's easy for me to do that with him. It's just like, he just wants to like, hold my hand or sit on my lap and do something quiet. I'm like, great. Love this. Mm-hmm. Nora wants to. Move together, talk like so much talking. She wants to like ask me questions and have my answer be like a dissertation, and that stuff drains me.

[00:15:24] So this comes up for me so much. And then there's like the guilt of like, Ugh, why is it so easy for me to connect with him and feels like such a chore to connect with her? So I totally get this. 

[00:15:35] Alyssa: Yeah, and I think that first of all. Just allowing it to be true without judgment of yourself and recognizing that it's just a part of being alive.

[00:15:49] Is that like it's gonna be easier for us to connect with and understand humans who share likeness to us. Mm-hmm. That we have a shared. Nervous system, or we have shared values or shared beliefs or shared practices or things like that. There are gonna be things that are easier for us to get where we see likeness and that it takes a different part of our brain to be able to tap into something that's different from us and understand it and get it and connect there.

[00:16:21] It doesn't mean it's impossible. It's not something that we're like, well, you should only be around people who are like you because that's how this is gonna work. Like, no, but also recognizing that it's going to take more brain power and work mm-hmm. To be in those spaces. And so when it comes to our kids, I know for myself, we, we just had this, this morning where I had a interview.

[00:16:48] Happening at 9:00 AM It is eight 40 and shoes aren't on, kids aren't out the door. And I wasn't doing drop off, but I was helping get them out the door. And I had to also go prep for this interview, just like a last minute couple of things. 

[00:17:04] Rachel: Mm-hmm. 

[00:17:05] Alyssa: And so I'm starting to feel. I gotta get going. I can feel it 

[00:17:09] Rachel: in my body just as you're describing it, 

[00:17:11] Alyssa: right?

[00:17:12] Yeah. And I get Mila in the car, she's buckled in, Sage decides on his way out the door that he needs to get a bucket of tools and fix the tires on the car before he gets it, obviously. 'cause you're in a rush, so. Mm-hmm. Yeah, this is a great time for that. Um, this is something I big part of his neurodivergent brain that often when we are in.

[00:17:37] Transition. He'll find a million other things that quote need to be done. 

[00:17:42] Rachel: Yeah. He's like, what can I control here? 

[00:17:44] Alyssa: Correct. 

[00:17:45] Rachel: Let me fix these tires real quick. Yeah. Because getting out the door is stressful for me. 

[00:17:49] Alyssa: Correct. And we're like, at that point we were walking out the door. 

[00:17:54] Rachel: Yeah. 

[00:17:55] Alyssa: Right. Like I, we are, I'm like, yes, we're moving in a good mila's in the car, we're cruising.

[00:18:01] This is all gonna work out. And then we have a bucket of tools and the tires are happening, and I come over and I'm like, Hey, excuse me. What's going on over here? And it took everything inside of me not to just be like, no, we're not doing this. This is absurd. Get in the car. We're going to school. Mom's gotta go to work.

[00:18:25] This is not the time for this, which is what was happening inside. Of course. I had to actively, like, just my, my internal narrative in those moments is say nothing. Alyssa say nothing. Alyssa say nothing, Alyssa. Mm-hmm. And repeat, because I wanna say everything. And if I can say nothing for long enough, he can tell me his plan without me interrupting, which is something.

[00:18:53] I'm really good at interrupting his plan and just being like, okay, well my plan is that we're getting in the car and going.

[00:19:02] So I was like, okay, tell me what is going on here. What's, what's the plan over here? And then I had to like really stop talking and he, at one point I started to jump in and he started to cry and he was like, you're not listening to my plan. Mm-hmm. And I was like, okay. And I know for myself. My racket in my head is, I don't have time for this.

[00:19:24] Rachel: Mm-hmm. 

[00:19:25] Alyssa: And what's true is if I slow down, it'll take less time than if I don't. 

[00:19:30] Rachel: Yeah. 

[00:19:33] Alyssa: And that's what I did. But it is a active practice for me. Mm-hmm. Because I know that the way that his brain works is different than the way that my brain works. And if it was Mila in that moment, I would've been like.

[00:19:49] Hey, we don't have time to do this. We'll do it after school. We gotta go get in the car and we'll talk about another plan while I'm buckling you in. And that works for her brain. 

[00:19:57] Rachel: Mm-hmm. 

[00:19:58] Alyssa: Largely, she wants to be talked to and validated and know that we're gonna figure out the plan for him. If I talk to him, it floods him.

[00:20:06] He needs to say his plan first. Oh, I know it. Yeah. And it's, I have to actively use parts of my brain that I don't have to use when I'm parenting her because she and I have very shared nervous system. 

[00:20:22] Rachel: Mm-hmm. I have to have an inner dialogue with myself when Noni is trying to connect with me, but it feels draining to me.

[00:20:29] Alyssa: Mm-hmm. 

[00:20:30] Rachel: And it doesn't mean that I never set boundaries with her because I mean, that girl can talk. If anybody can talk, that girl can talk. And so there are times that I will just be like, Hey. I wanna, I wanna hear what you're saying, but right now I'm feeling super overwhelmed. I need 10 minutes with no talking and then I'll be ready to listen again.

[00:20:48] And at this age, like she can 1000% were like, okay, cool. But that was like years of practice. 'cause it used to be like, I'm flooded, I need 10 minutes. And one minute would go by and she'd be like, has it been 10 minutes?

[00:21:03] Um, but it's helpful for me to remind myself that. She's not trying to annoy me. She's trying to meet a nervous system need, and that's where I think like when you are a mismatch with your kid, identifying what your nervous system needs and how it is kind of an opposition to theirs can be so eye-opening because then you can identify that behavior as like they're trying to get a need met versus like, she's just being super annoying and not listening to me when I ask her to stop.

[00:21:35] Alyssa: Yeah, and I feel like we talk about this a lot in big kids. Yeah. Like we go into the actual how-tos. Of response and bring in different neuro types throughout it and recognizing the, like what's coming up for us versus what's happening for them and how to find that balance. Uh, I think that's something we, we dive into a lot in big kids.

[00:22:00] So if your kid is between the ages of five and 12, big kids, bigger feelings, uh, we'll go deep into that. You can snag that bad. Boy, we co-wrote it. 

[00:22:09] Rachel: Yeah. And I think one other thing to point out here is it's really helpful if you can, in your family normalize this idea that people have different nervous systems and they connect differently.

[00:22:21] 'cause then it's not like, Hey, you need to stop talking because you're annoying your brother. It's like, hey, we all need to be quiet for a few minutes because some of us can't handle that level of noise right now. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And if you need, if you need to make noise, here are some spots in the house or outside that you can go if you need to do that right now.

[00:22:38] Alyssa: Yeah, I love this. And then we, on the flip side, in our household, talk about how Mila has a stronger need for connection. And so in the same way that sometimes we are gonna be quiet because S'S sensory needs need to be met that. Sometimes she is gonna need connection and it's gonna feel inconvenient for him, and her need for connection won't just go away until it's met.

[00:23:03] And so you can choose If you want to wave hi to her, give her a high five, give her a hug, give her a kiss, talk to her. But she's going to have a need for connection. Include her in your play, saying no and yelling, and that she can't be a part of your play. Or she's still gonna have a need for connection.

[00:23:21] And so really helping to normalize on both sides of this, that she is a sensory seeker who is high connection seeking and he is sensory sensitive with lower connection needs. And being able to recognize within our family that all of these needs are needs. Mm-hmm. And are valid. Hmm. And I, I grew up in a culture where.

[00:23:45] That sensory need was seen as a need, especially if you're like, you're hungry, you're tired, you're cold, you have to go to the bathroom. Mm-hmm. Uh, and then we've moved into like, oh, your body needs to move. You've been sitting too long. Mm-hmm. Or, oh my gosh, it's so loud in here. It's so overwhelming. I need a break from this.

[00:24:04] Like, those are things I, I grew up. Hearing more and more of, and even culturally now hear more and more. More. But don't, don't be an attention seeker though. Correct. And it's the need for connection or attention that I think is often seen as a want and something that, especially for my low connection seeking neurodivergent child, I have to work really hard in fostering his skillset to honor connection as a need 

[00:24:31] Rachel: because 

[00:24:32] Alyssa: his need for connection isn't as strong as hers.

[00:24:35] Rachel: Yeah, we, I have to, I have to frame that for able to, 'cause he will get annoyed with her or frankly be unkind and I have to say like, Hey, she is trying to connect with you and you can let her know if you need space. But it's not kind to say what you just said. 

[00:24:53] Alyssa: Yeah. Yeah, and it actually just, her need for connection continues to grow.

[00:24:58] Still there. 

[00:24:58] Rachel: What's up? Yeah, still there. 

[00:25:00] Alyssa: Like now she feels left out, so she's like doubling down. 

[00:25:03] Rachel: Oh, it get, it can get really intense. Yeah. 

[00:25:05] Alyssa: In the same way that if Sage's overwhelmed from sound and Mila starts to scream. It's just he is now gonna be more overwhelmed. Mm-hmm. And so really being able to help everybody understand it's why the regulation questionnaire is built right into big kids.

[00:25:21] Yep. We have a QR code for it. It's totally free. Uh, you're gonna go to seed quiz.com and you can take that bad boy and understand your unique nervous systems within your family. And I think it's such a helpful thing to just genuinely talk about. 

[00:25:37] Rachel: Without shame, just like these are facts about who we are and here's how we can treat each other with kindness and respect, while also making sure that everybody's needs are getting met.

[00:25:48] Alyssa: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. We have a younger kids question in here. 

[00:25:52] Rachel: Okay. 

[00:25:54] Alyssa: My three-year-old melts down at night if I am not the one to put him to bed at night. Help. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and that's the thing, right? Like you are not always going to have the capacity to be the one you might not want to. It might not work for you.

[00:26:09] I mean, I'm a traveling parent for work, so I'm not always an option. And there's so much messaging out there that I think can make you feel like you're a crappy parent if you don't just. Be like, okay, I'll do it or I'll stay. And it's just not always a reality for you to be the one to be there. So let's talk about what to do when it's not gonna be a reality.

[00:26:32] When you are gonna say like, yeah, no, I need to tap out because I've been with these kids and I am fried by bedtime. 

[00:26:40] Rachel: I feel like 

[00:26:41] Alyssa: not gonna be who I wanna be. 

[00:26:43] Rachel: You'd kind of just went through this with beans. Do you wanna talk about like the process that you guys went through? 

[00:26:49] Alyssa: Yeah, so I used to do her bedtime.

[00:26:51] She is, how you say, obsessed with me. Um, and she, mama, mama, mama. I'm like, I'm touching you. Um, you're in my lap. And, uh, so for us, what we shifted first was I, 'cause I still nurse her, so, um. I would do, we would start bedtime downstairs all together. We're like reading books. I would nurse her downstairs, get her jammies and sleep sack on, and then.

[00:27:25] We would say goodnight, and Zach would carry her up to bed and she would do the rest of the bedtime routine with him, and he would put her down for bed. The first week of it, she screamed. She hated it, and she also, she's a human who needs to express, and so when she is having a hard time with something or she's mad about something.

[00:27:49] She wants to yell or cry, she needs to get it out of her. Mm-hmm. Before she can move through it. S Sadie's not that way. He'll often, he and Zach both will go like inward more where they're like, I just need silence and calm for a bit to move through it. Sometimes he'll oh, for sure, still cry or yell, but she always needs to get it out before she can move on.

[00:28:11] And that's how I am too. And so like, I, I get that, but so she'll scream and yell and he would carry her up and do the rest of the bedtime routine and validate for her like, you wanted Mama to come do bedtime. Mama's going to, and he would say a specific thing, do the dishes. Or make lunches for tomorrow or whatever, instead of like, mom just doesn't wanna do this anymore with you.

[00:28:34] Uh, so I'm, he was, he was like, yeah, mom's gonna go and do the dishes, or she's going to make lunches for tomorrow for school, and I'm gonna help you with bedtime. And just establishing that new routine took about a week. Mm-hmm. And then she came to expect it, and now we're at the place where she'll wave to me or blow me a kiss as he's walking away with her and she knows the routine, she knows she's safe, she knows she's gonna see me tomorrow.

[00:29:02] And when we look at this as they get older, it's I think, really helpful to do pre-teaching with them. So with a 3-year-old, I would say, oh man, I've noticed at bedtime you love it when I'm there. I am going to at bedtime be doing X, Y, and Z. Mommy or dad or whoever is the other parent, is going to help you with bedtime.

[00:29:27] Here's what they're gonna do. Let's make a plan together. Or going to read two books. Do you wanna pick the books out with me and then they can read 'em with you or. And they're gonna sing two songs. What songs do you wanna choose? And they get to kind of co-create this bedtime routine dreams. Are that you are using a visual aid for them where they can see the things.

[00:29:49] And it doesn't have to be fancy. You can write it on a piece of paper. Uh, you can draw something. Pictionary style doesn't have to be beautiful. Whatever's helpful for them to see like, okay, we did this part, here's what's coming next, and if they can like check it off or, um, kind of cover it up in some capacity to see like then what's next.

[00:30:09] And then knowing. That for the other person, the other adult who might be tapping in here, for them to have a plan for what to do, because it's really the hardest I find for that person. Hmm. That they are now in the room with a dysregulated child who's screaming that they want the other parent. Mm-hmm.

[00:30:31] And so being able to have a plan for that person of like. What's coming up for you? What are you gonna do to calm, what's your response gonna be? What if they try to run out the room? Like what's, what's the plan in place ahead of time so that they feel ready to tackle that? Yeah. And to know, like at what point would you shift?

[00:30:54] Like for us, it's always been, if there's a distress cry, I'm gonna tap in. And that for me means like, ah, we need to build a few more supports into the routine because we're getting to a point of distress. Mm-hmm. Or we need to work on the relationship with child and the other parent in order to have success in this process so that they know this is a safe person too.

[00:31:18] Rachel: Mm-hmm. 

[00:31:19] Alyssa: But really knowing that I have no expectation that you'll pre-teach and they'll be like, okay, I have fun doing the dishes. Right. We'll see you later. 

[00:31:30] Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, I, Abel wanted me for bedtime forever, and there was a time where one in past tense still does I, but now he's flexible, like, yeah, there was a time when he was.

[00:31:48] A young toddler where it was like a lot of going into distress when Cody was trying to do bedtime. And then when he was an older toddler, like sometimes it worked and other times it didn't. And there were times where like Cody would have to sit on the floor in front of the door because Abel would be trying to come out.

[00:32:09] And now we're at a point where like. I am like, all right bud, I'm not gonna be home for bedtime tonight, or I'm gonna be doing this at bedtime tonight. So dad would be putting you to bed and he'll still sometimes cry or say like, I don't, I don't want that. I want you to do my bedtime, whatever. But when it actually comes down to it, he.

[00:32:28] Is able to move through it. Okay. But I think like also outlining that sometimes it's not like an instantaneous thing. Yeah. And there are ebbs and flows. If Abel's had a really hard day and then on top of that, I'm like, well, I'm not gonna be there at bedtime. That's a lot harder for him than if he's had a pretty regulated day.

[00:32:44] And then I'm like, Hey, dad's gonna do bedtime with you. I think just having that flexibility in mind of like, it, it's, it can be a little hairy for a bit. 

[00:32:53] Alyssa: Yeah. And I think looking at like. Who is this kid too, and like how do they like to go down? Mm-hmm. And like with Sage, whenever we've done any sleep work with him, we always stayed in the room with him that like even if somebody else was putting him down or he was, when he was learning to fall asleep without nursing or without his pacifier or whatever, anytime there were sleep changes.

[00:33:22] We stayed with him to fall asleep because that's how he feels safest. He doesn't want anyone to talk to him. He mostly didn't want you to touch him. He went through a phase where he wanted your hand to be on his body, not moving really, so that he knew that you were there. Mm-hmm. And, but he wanted somebody in the room and.

[00:33:46] It is different for every kid. Now he's to the point where he feels so safe in his routine. You'll go through it and he'll kick you out. He'll be like, all right, I'm gonna turn off the lights and then do you want me to tickle your arm? He is like, yeah. And then you start tickling his arm. He'll say, you can go now and just kicks us out.

[00:34:03] You're dismissed. And it took us till, you know, four and a half or whatever, um, to get to that point of just creating consistency and safety in the routine. One thing around sleep. Also, as kids get older, it's the only time where we're like, we're not gonna see you for like 11 or 12 hours and you're gonna be by yourself in a space.

[00:34:25] Right? Like there's not another time in the day where we're like. Well see you later. You're by yourself for 11 or 12 hours. Good luck. And you're safe. You're fine. I know I wouldn't let you do this if you were awake. Just be by yourself for 11 or 12 hours. Right? So it's like also sleep is just vulnerable.

[00:34:40] Totally. That if you are not feeling safe or comfortable and then you're like, I'm gonna be asleep. Your brain's like over my dead body. Are we falling asleep right now? And so really looking at like how do we foster safety and connection and trust in relationship? And a lot of that's gonna happen outside the moment of saying things like, Hey, I noticed you've been feeling nervous to go to sleep.

[00:35:05] Sometimes when I'm feeling nervous, I notice my heart's beating so fast and my hands start to kind of clench and open and close, and I get a little sweaty sometimes, or sometimes I start to cry. Usually that means that my amygdala has turned on the part of my brain that says, oh no, you're in danger. And I can remind it.

[00:35:29] I'm safe, and some things that help me feel safe are, and we can list some things out that might be helpful for them too, of like, sometimes I like to squeeze my fist and let them go and say, I am safe. Sometimes I like to draw on my arm with my finger and draw a picture and remind myself I'm safe here.

[00:35:49] Giving them some tools and strategies to regulate their nervous system if you aren't there as a part of bedtime. Mm-hmm. To remember that they're safe in this, and it's, so, our goal isn't that kids never feel nervous or anxious or scared or disappointed. It's that they have tools to recognize it and move through it.

[00:36:07] Rachel: Mm-hmm. 

[00:36:10] Alyssa: All right. Let's do one more here. 

[00:36:13] Rachel: Okay. 

[00:36:13] Alyssa: Actually, let's do one, we'll do one. Fun one. Okay. That we'll end on this one. I was like, oh, what a challenge for me. What's your favorite thing to do just for you, and when do you find time for that? Hmm. My favorite thing. To do, just for me is listening to like basically a rom-com in a book, right?

[00:36:41] Like a real beach read. Gimme like an Emily Henry or Abby Minute. We're 

[00:36:45] Rachel: so different in our reading Taste. Oh, different in our reading. 

[00:36:48] Alyssa: I am like, I need something that feel it. It for me. It's like a rom-com, right? Where I'm like, it just calms me. I don't have, my brain doesn't stop ever. And. I work a lot, even though when I'm not working, like my brain is seeing work everywhere I go.

[00:37:07] Mm-hmm. And it is a thing that is just, it has nothing to do with work. It's not about thinking about the nervous system or how to support kids in school or whatever it is where I get to just be a human. Yeah. And not a mom. And I used to shame myself a lot for a while. For not reading anymore. Hmm. And I realized that I, I had this narrative that like, I'm a bad reader.

[00:37:36] I'm not, I'm not fast, I'm not whatever. And I realized like, no, my best medium for consumption is audio. That, that a is right now more accessible for me, but also I retain things better that way. And so I started doing audio books and now I will, I've given myself permission to like, even if it's five minutes.

[00:37:56] Like even if I am doing the dishes or I'm throwing a little laundry and I'll pop in an AirPod and just listen to my book for five minutes, that I don't have to have a half hour carved out to like listen to a larger chunk of it. Mm-hmm. That's right. Now one of my favorite things to do for me, and I try to, I'm definitely doing it every day, but I try to do it.

[00:38:19] A couple times a day in smaller chunks rather than waiting to find a bigger chunk of time to do it. 

[00:38:25] Rachel: Yeah. Um, I also love reading, but I think right now my favorite thing to do by myself is cycling. Mm-hmm. Um, which, like on a real bike that goes someplace like a road bike. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I can't do it inside.

[00:38:44] Alyssa: I, I was gonna say, I can't picture you on like a Peloton actually. Never Just take carry bike. 

[00:38:48] Rachel: Never. Yeah. It would just, my brain would just. 

[00:38:52] Alyssa: And your kids would talk to you and 

[00:38:55] Rachel: they'd be like, can I get on it? Yeah, no. Yeah. Um, so when I signed up for that try just like on a whim. Yeah. And had never even ridden a road bike before then I randomly, I mean, the 15 miles, the last five uphill, I fully cried.

[00:39:09] But I did like the other parts of it when I wasn't crying. And yeah. Now I, I've been writing and I really like it. It doesn't happen like as often as. I would like to ride every day, but if I get out like twice a week without the kids, I feel like that's pretty good. 

[00:39:23] Alyssa: It makes sense too for your sensory sensitivities in that like no one's talking to you, no one's touching you.

[00:39:30] You're by yourself. You're fully in control, like doing your thing in nature. That's right. It's a great fit for your nervous system. 

[00:39:38] Rachel: I'm alone outside moving my body. Mm-hmm. 

[00:39:42] Alyssa: Love it. Yeah. Love that for you. Yeah, and I'm like, can I bike with a friend? Yeah. Can I? My 

[00:39:49] Rachel: nightmare. I don't wanna bike with anybody because I can't, I can't run because of my self-diagnosed pots.

[00:39:56] Like it just self. Like, I went for a run with Cody once last summer when I was trying to be a runner. And I was like, babe, what's your heart rate? And he was like, 1 0 5, what's yours? And I was like, 180 5. And he was like, what the heck? And I was like, I know I'm unwell, but on a bike, I, my heart rate doesn't go as high 'cause otherwise it would be like running or hiking somewhere.

[00:40:17] I'm alone and like not talking to my kids. Yeah. Love you guys. 

[00:40:23] Alyssa: Love you. I love you. Bye. Um, I also say another thing I do for myself, my best friend here in Vermont is divorced and they have shared custody and. On some nights where she doesn't have kids. After my kids go down, she'll just come over and hang out.

[00:40:46] Mm. And I'm like, I don't have to put clothes on and go anywhere. I don't have to spend money to do something. And my connection bucket is so filled from that. Mm-hmm. And it's a real gift. Yeah. Like I love, I just love sitting and hanging out and chatting with people about real things. Yeah. 

[00:41:04] Rachel: I mean, I, I also love that, but not in, in much smaller doses than you.

[00:41:08] Like, that wouldn't be like, oh, this is gonna fill my cup. You know? It would be like, I wanna see it when I do wanna spend time with you 'cause I love you, but then when you're gone, I'll have to recharge. 

[00:41:18] Alyssa: Yeah. And that is the recharge for me. Yeah, we're so different. Oh, I love you. Love you. Also, this looks fun.

[00:41:29] I wanna do, I know I wanna do more of these. Let's post uh, one on Instagram and we can get some more questions and we'll do another q and a also, if you are new to this information and us, Rachel and I co-authored Big Kids, bigger Feelings. And it publishes September 16th, 2025. And if you snag it in the pre-order time, then you'll get access to some really fun bonuses.

[00:42:01] Uh, I also read the audio book, if you Like Me, are an audio book person. You pre-order now, it'll drop right away, uh, when it publishes. We dive into so many of these topics in depth there. And actually when I read the audio book, it was my first time coming back to the book in a little while as we've gone through edits and stuff, and I was like, oh my gosh, this is so good.

[00:42:25] I'm so excited to get it in your hands. Uh, so let's rock and roll, snag big kids at bigger feelings wherever books are sold and head on over to our Instagram at seed. And so SEW to follow along there. And we'll do another q and A in stories so you can submit some more questions that we can take live together.

[00:42:47] Not live, I guess, but together 

[00:42:49] Rachel: Live. 

[00:42:52] Alyssa: Love me Rach. 

[00:42:54] Rachel: Love you. 

[00:42:57] Alyssa: Thanks for tuning in to Voices of Your Village. Check out the transcript at Voices of your village.com. Did you know that we have a special community over on Instagram hanging out every day with more free content? Come join us at seed dot, and so SEW take a screenshot of you tuning in, share it on the gram and tag seed dot, and do so to let me know your key takeaway.

[00:43:23] If you're digging this podcast, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode. We love collaborating with you to raise emotionally intelligent humans.