Boundary Setting with Adults with Xavier Dagba

Hey, everyone! Welcome back to Voices of Your Village. Today on episode 132 I am joined by the wonderful Xavier Dagba to talk about all things boundary setting between adults. Xavier is a transformational life coach and father. He is so eager about helping others, which is what led him to his field of work and ultimately led me to connecting with him. I was so thrilled when Xavier agreed to come have an on-mic chat with me and I think you will be just as jazzed to listen as I was to record this one! Y'all this is a good one, I felt like I could talk to Xavier forever. So, without further ado, let’s dive on in!

“If you are in this community it means you want better for your kids, and we are only going to get that if we allow better for ourselves in the process.”

We started our conversation with a big question that is often skipped right over when having this conversation: What do boundaries mean to you? Xavier told me that he sees boundaries in two ways. First, boundaries are a way to get the space you need to honor your truth. And, boundaries are a way for you to show to others who you really are. 

“When you have loose boundaries you are giving a fake image of yourself to the world.”

Setting a boundary and communicating with others, “this is what I will and won’t accept” takes a level of independence. And that is where the fear is, often we wonder if we can still be loveable if we show our community exactly who we are and how we expect to be treated. Of course, this led us to chatting about codependency. A buzzword that can be a real trigger for some folks. Codependency begins early, when children know how to change their behavior in order to please the people in their lives. A child will learn, based on our interactions with them, what to do to receive affection from each of their parents.

Here at Seed we talk a lot about kids not being responsible for our feelings, this is especially true for attachment relationships. In parenthood you start with a human who is dependent on you for survival, there is codependency right from the beginning in order to survive. Then, we move into independence and being able to let that happen without making the child responsible for our feelings is the key here.

“The goal is not for our kids to get to adulthood as flawless human beings.”

When we get to adulthood and we come here with codependency (and a lot of us do!) it can feel so uncomfortable to set and hold boundaries. It is our job to regulate our own boundaries, not anyone else's. So, how do we move from this codependency and setting boundaries to assertively doing so and owning our boundaries as adults.

Xavier told me that the first step to setting and owning boundaries is to start by healing your abandonment wounds. These abandonment wounds get heightened when you set a boundary, and turning to them will feel like the safest thing to do. Xavier then went on to explain that abandonment wounds are the parts of yourself that are still in there that find safety in pleasing. Because as a kid you find safety in pleasing others and disowning yourself. So, when you set a boundary as an adult you are really going against yourself. It has nothing to do with others, it is you addressing the part within yourself. You become this self that is ready for change.

“Only you can rescue the parts of yourself that have been abandoned.” 

Xavier and I then dove into how setting boundaries as adults is different for men and women, fathers and mothers. “To see a mom say, ‘I can be a great mom and a great dreamer’ is the most powerful thing for a kid to see,” said Xavier. Honestly, this part made me a little teary! It is so crucial to claim these boundaries regardless of how other people perceive them, especially as women and mothers.

Thank you, Xavier, for joining me for this discussion and for being willing to be vulnerable on the pod with me. For our full conversation, click on the episode link above! For more of Xavier Dagba you can find him @Xavier.Dagba on Instagram and at XavierDagba.com. He is most involved with his instagram community, but he also offers group coaching and has been working on a class on Emotional Sovereignty that will be launching soon.

Until next time,

Xoxo

Alyssa