Respectful Parenting IRL: Rewriting Patterns and Habits
00:00:04 Joel
"You know, that that a father's supposed to be and this is what I'm supposed to do. Well, then, you know, that was all based. A lot of it was fear-based for me, right?"
00:00:17 Joel
"I was fearful, I felt insecure about parenting that way sometimes, I felt like it was inadequate."
00:00:28 Joel
"And again, they're resilient. They're more resilient than we are, sometimes."
00:00:33 Joel
"Those are big things that just started to change the landscape for us."
00:00:42 Joel
"Let's try to figure out what's going on here so that I can help you to build your toolbox. So that's my job. Build your toolbox about how you can respond differently the next time."
00:00:55 Alyssa
Hey there, I'm Alyssa blast. Campbell. I'm a mom with a master's degree in early childhood education, and co-creator of the collaborative, emotion processing method. I'm here to walk alongside you through the messy vulnerable parts of being humans. Raising other humans with deep thoughts in actionable tips. Let's dive in together.
00:01:18 Speaker 1
Welcome to our new limited series respectful parenting in real life. I get to hang out with some folks and dive into what this work. Looks like outside of scrolling through Instagram or that picture. Perfect, snapshot of respectful parenting. What does it look like when you drop the ball? When it's messy when we're imperfect humans or when our kids don't respond perfectly, as we planned buckle up for some real stories. From real humans and I hope that you get to see glimpses of yourself or your kids in these stories to know that you definitely are not alone in this journey, and there's a village of folks walking right along side you. Alright. Let's Dive In.
00:02:09 Alyssa
Hello, everybody. Today I get to hang out with someone that I love dearly and get to call a family member, which is a privilege. Erica who works for seed is married to Joel, who's joining me today. Hi Joel.
00:02:26 Joel
Hi Alyssa. How are you?
00:02:28 Alyssa
I'm doing well. So you're the dad of three tiny humans. How old are those kids now,
00:02:34 Joel
7, 5 and three,
00:02:37 Alyssa
That's bonkers.
00:02:38 Joel
Yeah, it is. Yeah, it can get pretty wild at times.
00:02:42 Alyssa
Yeah, and just bonkers to me that they're 7, 5 and 3. I, actually my first intro into the family when I started dating Zach was your wedding. That's where I met everybody.
00:02:55 Joel
That's right.
00:02:56 Alyssa
And so I've been a long this little journey from the outside for a while and it's been really rad to see y'all grow as a couple and as parents and as people and I'm excited to hear kind of like the inside and what your journey has been like, can you share a little bit about like your background and what life looked like for you growing up?
00:03:19 Joel
Sure. So, I grew up in Laredo, Texas, which is a border town about two hours south of San Antonio. And so, for me, I grew up with my extended family. My mom, you know, her and my bio dad separated and then got divorced and so she, I was born in Austin. She went back down to Laredo. So I was with, you know, grew up with my extended family. Grandparents Uncles, Aunts, everybody kind of in the same complex. Right? So, houses were built right next to each other and this was like, Southern Laredo. And so, anyway, my mom worked often and she was getting her career just starting off. And so I was raised a lot by my extended family, which was great, you know, grew up around cousins and always having family around and and and that's a cultural thing for us. I mean, you know that that's big in the Hispanic culture and it was great to have my extended family around. So grew up that way till I was about seven. And then that's when my mom met my stepfather at that time. And so at that point then you know, they moved in together and and blended families. And so I had an older stepbrother and then my mom and my stepdad had my half brother. Who is what, 11 years younger than me. So that was about four years after they met and so then just kind of we we were living, you know, apart from everybody. But I then kind of just between Middle school and High school kind of then grew up almost just with my immediate family and we saw a little less and less of my extended family. But you know, that was just as a result. I think of life, just kind of just takes you that way, right? And. And so, that was the way that I grew up until I graduated high school and then moved out to San Antonio to go to school. My extended family still lived in Laredo. My immediate family still lived in Laredo. My older stepbrother had moved to Houston. And so when I moved here to San Antonio, I still saw a little bit of my immediate family, but definitely less of my extended family. Like it was just kind of almost forgot what they look and sounded like to a certain extent. And so that's just kind of the way it was right? Like life just kind of took over. So then lived in San Antonio. I mean I've lived here since I was 18 and I graduated high school, like I said, just yeah, I mean so that's now 19 years. So just gave away my age there but you know, so yeah, I just that's just kind of been the journey for me. And it's so interesting because now that now, you know, again like you said, we've got our three kiddos and now, I'm seeing more of my immediate family and even now starting to see my immediate family a little bit more because it's all kind of coming back, right? Like now our kids are growing up the same way that we did and Erica and I had to really be intentional about that because, you know, we both grew up around a lot of family and it's been difficult sometimes kind of being, even though we're only two hours away. And but obviously cross-country for her family and like, we have to be intentional about seeing our family because it's so important for our kids and we see the difference that it makes in their world. So but yeah, that's just kind of a really quick synopsis there.
00:06:34 Alyssa
Yeah, The Village at work like literally. What, how has that been for you as you've navigated parenthood and looking at the ways that you were raised and what comes up for you then and especially I think like being near family and I know for Zach and I, we were in Boston and we're doing all this work on ourselves and then we move back closer to family and all of a sudden like triggers are coming up and things from our childhood that we're like, oh, yeah, we've been working on that and all of a sudden it's like in your face again and then same thing in parenthood where like we have found ourselves in parenthood and like, oh, right. I'm opening my mouth and like my mom comes out or whatever. And like, sometimes it's like cool. I want to repeat that part and sometimes for me. It's like, yikes, don't want to repeat that part. And so I think it can be just like an added layer when you are parenting with that Village right there and and trying to do this work of sometimes rewriting patterns.
00:07:31 Alyssa
What did it look like for you from your childhood experience in terms of how you were parented in the culture around that versus now and what you're looking at in parenthood.
00:07:45 Joel
That's, that's been the most vulnerable, most eye-opening part about all of this. And that's just happened recently I think probably in the last four or five years and I think, you know, growing up it was, it was very much. So we, you know, discipline was a big part and and we were very much like, you know, structured in the way that we were raised and it was very much like, you know, respecting your parents and your you know, as soon as you walk into a room, you've got to say hi to everybody. You know, that's something that I remember that was a very, very big part of the way that I grew up and then it was very much about, we didn't talk a lot about the way that we felt or we didn't talk a lot about the what we were experiencing right? There wasn't a lot of that if we did something wrong, we were punished for it and there wasn't a lot of, there was rupture there, right? We were disciplined. And I remember, you know, my stepdad was pretty hard on me. And, you know, I think it was seen as like. Well, I didn't know my bio dad growing up and then all of a sudden when my stepdad can, you know, now? And he was loving towards me, right? It wasn't anything like that, but it was very much like, okay. Well, you need a father figure in the picture and well, then that role is just strictly to be, hey, you know, very punitive at times and very much like this is what you're supposed to do. And I'm going to hold you to it and there's not, that relationship was just really centered around that. So then, when we first had Jojo. I think all those things and all those insecurities for me that I had growing up and now like, okay. Well, this is the way, you know, that that a father's supposed to be and, this is what I'm supposed to do. Well, then, you know, that was all based a lot of it was fear-based for me. Right? Like I was worried about either disappointing, you know, my step dad, or my mom, or I was worried about, you know, getting in trouble or I was worried about a lot of that stuff. And so I think when we had JoJo, our first one, it was like well, that's the way that I parented, right? And that's what I expected it. And if it didn't go that way. Well, then I felt like well something's wrong or, you know, so that and that was early on and I can remember that stuff coming out for me. Right? If we were out somewhere and he would start crying or if he was trying to go to sleep and then you know, Erika would go get him up. I would feel like what we were doing him a disservice or were you know, quote-unquote spoiling him like all those things kind of came up, right? And it was just I didn't do a lot of work around, trying to shift that mindset or trying to change that mindset and really trying to explore like again, what's going on with him? And what are his needs. But and as he got older, I think what would start to happen is I you know, an Erika and I talked a lot about this is, it was her trying to kind of change like yeah, we were parented this way, but it doesn't mean that like, okay well, we need to work around that and see exactly why we feel the way that we feel when x, y, z happened. So we started to do work around it, but I still had some of those biases that I had growing up and it was tough to change that. I mean it takes a lot of work and so I had to like again, I'll give you a perfect example, you know, something would happen where JoJo would do something wrong or Ellie would do something wrong and they would throw something or they would get upset and they would slam the door or be "disrespectful" right? So then I would try to go correct it. And it was legalistic in a way, right? So I try to go correct it, and Erika was like, look either just take a step back or wait for give them some space or talk to him about like, okay, talk to me about why you responded this way. Like what are you feeling? What are you thinking? What's going on? Talk to me. I didn't do a lot of that right away. So then what we start to happen is when Erika and I would try to talk about it. Then we weren't in agreement at all times. So then it was like, okay. Well, that's a tough thing. Right? So then we would internalized a lot of those feelings between Erika and I so then we would try to do is say, okay, well, you know, the life would take over again. We just keep going. We just keep going and it would happen again. And then I would feel like, okay, well, I'm going to respond to Jojo or Ellie or Leesie whatever right like the same way but really what the way that I was responding to was not in that moment trying to figure out what's going on with our kiddos, but really because I was feeling inadequate or insecure about the way that Erika and I were communicating about addressing the behavior or whatever, right? Like all of that. So and I hope that's making sense right there. But again, like, you know, you can see the layers start to form pretty quick between what I experienced 10-15 years ago when I was a kiddo or longer than that, right 20, 25 years ago or what I experienced last week between something that happened between Erika and I, right? So all of that started to just kind of happen and as you know, and again, I mean you, you know Erika very well and obviously she works, you know, for you all and just I mean it's a life's work and what you all do is amazing. And anyway, I bring that up to just say, like she was patient with me and she, I don't know. Just showed me the power of that respectful parenting piece. And, and it's not about, it's not about perfection. It's about intention. And I started to just pick up on some of the things that that the way that she parented, or we finally got to a point where we felt like, okay. We need to sit down and communicate about this and, you know, all those things were different to me because I wasn't parented that way. So I didn't, I didn't I didn't have a toolbox. I didn't I didn't I didn't know what to do. I didn't, I was fearful, I felt insecure about parenting that way sometimes I felt like it was inadequate. I felt that I was inadequate and I wasn't prepared. So then I tried to overcompensate and all that stuff came up and I know I'm kind of just word vomiting here, but I'm just saying that to say like well, now, as I listened to her and we talked about it and I started to parent that way or I started to not be legalistic in the way that I addressed it. Like, not think that my kiddos are doing something bad. Like, that was a big thing for me. Right? Like it was my kids are not bad, right? They have a need, they have a need for connection. Something's going on. They're hungry. They're tired XYZ, all of that. As I started to open up my mind to start thinking about that. I saw our communication change and I saw the trust that they had in me to actually be able to. Just address it or listen to them, or not, get upset or not, you know, again, not have that mindset of something's wrong. They're doing something bad. I need to address it. I need to go in there and again, be punitive about it, punish them for it. Give them a consequence, XYZ. Like that was a game-changer and it's a work in progress at always is I'm not perfect by any means but those are big things that just started to to change the landscape for us and one thing something as simple, and I've tried this as much as I can is, something happens and, you know, again, I give you another example, like, one thing that used to be big was Ellie and JoJo, they're pretty close in age, only 21 months apart, and they would play on the trampoline together, play on the playscape together. Well Ellie would start crying and I would assume that JoJo hurt her because that's what she would say. So that was a trigger for me like hey, you hurt your sister. And it would cause issues for me because my response, right? Actually let me rephrase that my reaction it wasn't a response. It was a reaction. I would, I would not be happy about that. And so I could see JoJo start to if that would happen. And he whether he did it by accident, or whether he did it, because who knows, he would he would be worried about my reaction and I could see that. And one thing that I started to change was I would close my eyes. I would take a breath. I would take a pause, probably last about 2 to 3 seconds. And I would go to Ellie and I would give her a hug and I would extend my other arm to bring JoJo in because I could tell that he was worried about hurting her. And again, like having that mindset of, he's not doing something bad. My kids are not bad. He's not trying to hurt his sister, right? And either it was a fleeting moment from one second to the next. She was fine, all of a sudden miracle and we're back to playing again and it's all good or we would talk about it and inevitably, it was, somebody did something to somebody else or somebody was upset about ex, you know, not having a turn on this or not being able to, you know, they felt that they weren't listened to by the other sibling, whatever we would get down to the bottom of that, talk about it and then all was good, but it wouldn't lead to me having a reaction of where I would became upset. And then all of a sudden, I think that would make it a lot more about my reaction as opposed to, let's try to figure out what's going on here so that I can help you to build your toolbox. So that's my job. Build your toolbox about how you can respond differently the next time, right? And so anyway, yeah, that's my long-winded answer right there.
00:17:06 Alyssa
Yeah. No, I love it. There's so much in there that I think, yeah so much that's like so many good nuggets in there and one thing that I think is huge. Is that acknowledgement of like yeah, I was raised this way so like that is of course, what I'm coming to the table with, right? Like right out the gates. We are like, yep, we repeat whatever we experienced. Right? It's like telling kids to like do what I say and not what I do. They're not going to. They're going to do what's modeled for them. And it's the same with us. We were kids and we're going to do what was modeled for us. And I think it's huge to acknowledge and also it makes sense to me to have fear around. I think especially in raising boys. If you came from like that, the culture of like punitive and punishment and respect that like, we want you to show up a certain way, and the fear I think of like, if you don't, if you show up as quote, soft or whatever, what's that going to mean for you socially, what's that going to mean for you down the road? What if you're crying in school? Are people going to make fun of you? I think so much of it can come from a place of fear. And wanting our kids to be able to thrive socially. And if what we knew was that there are narratives attached to emotional intelligence that were feminine then raising boys. It can feel like, no, you're not supposed to be able to do this. And I think, sometimes it can be easier to let like little girls cry or feel because it's viewed as a feminine thing in our culture versus letting a boy do that. And I was just wondering if like, you noticed any of that for you and your parenting like, was there a separation between, I know also just time and like, getting to experience parenting with Jojo and then getting to Ellie down the road and then Leesie. But did you have or do you experience a difference in expectations from Jojo you think from a gender perspective versus the girls?
00:19:06 Joel
I think initially I did. I think initially, you know, like you said, time played a part in it, right him being our first one. So that was you know, that's just his experience. Right? And we've gotten I think our perspective has changed as we've now, you know, getting into our third one. Ideally I hope we're hoping we're veterans, right? But anyway, I think the the gender part, there were elements of that, but I think my one of my biggest growth pieces too on that was I always thought that when I heard, respectful parenting or heard anything like that. It meant permissive, right? It meant like you're going to allow things to happen or you're not going to hold a boundary or you're not going to, you know, it just means that you're going to, exactly right, you're going to be soft on it or you're going to or your kiddos not going to learn manners or not learn respect and quite the opposite, you know, actually like it just and as soon as I realized that and I think it was like well and you know and and Erika and I would talk about it it like no, we're not, we're not saying that, you know, this is going to happen or that's going to happen or you're going to have you're going to be able to have popsicles before bed or you're going to be able to have a bunch of snacks, you know, because you know, even though we talk to you about dinner or whatever. It doesn't mean that at all, but, you know, we're going to love you through it. And there's not going to be anything else except, you know, giving you a hug. And I know you're upset about not having a snack. I hear that. It would be great to have a snack. And that's about where it stays. It doesn't mean that you go get it. Right? Like, I think that changed a lot for me with Jojo. I mean being a boy, you know, I think there definitely was elements of that early on but I think and this might just be completely coincidental, but as it were elements about exactly right, not spoiling him, some of the toughness part of it, like, you know, not wanting to go cry to Mom, not wanting to all of that, right? Like, you know, I think coincidentally then my parenting started to change right as Ellie was getting just to that age of being a toddler and then obviously now with Leesie, it's evolved and it's going to continue to evolve. But one thing I noticed that JoJo crying and he'll tell me now, you know, and again, I'm not perfect at it, you know, and Erika and I will talk a lot about it. Yeah, there's times where I'm like, "Bud, why are you crying about that? Why is that making you cry?" Like, you know, and that'll come out, right? And he'll tell me now because we've told them enough about that respectful piece like look, bud if you're going to, if you're going to cry about it, if you're going to be frustrated and stomp your feet, if you're going to be frustrated and just kind of walk away, need space, if crying's for you, whatever it is. However, you need to express that, express it. So he'll tell me now. No, I'm allowed to cry about it. If I need to cry about it. I need a good little cry. Then I'm gonna cry about it. And then I'm going to move on and I'm going to be okay with it. And once I saw that, And the fear part about, well a boy crying somewhere, or if he's going to be out at school crying because this happened, or he's going to be out at basketball practice and and crying because this happened once that left, and I wasn't feeling that way or those that fear wasn't there for me. It was it. I just saw it, and I think I just saw him in a completely different light as far as like, it's okay for you to cry, bud, absolutely. But he actually you know, and obviously, you know, if we're somewhere and I see something happen and I see, you know, some things come out like from other kiddos and stuff and I just kind of noticed the way that he respond in certain situations. He's pretty resilient, you know, and that toughness piece is there, but that toughness piece is there from him. I mean, he's one of the most empathetic kiddos I know and you know, and again, you know, you know, I was in education for 11 years right? Like so you know, I obviously just I take that as context but I mean he the way he responds in some of those situations. He actually doesn't, you know, cry and he's able to kind of like figure out and navigate those emotions pretty quickly and effectively and and navigate through these situations that if I didn't change my mind set, I probably would have wanted him to not show any of that emotion thinking fearful that in these situations that I think are going to come up well all he's going to do is just cry and not have any control over it, quite the opposite because we let him kind of express it this way and work with him on some of those things. He's actually able to navigate it, sometimes a lot better than some of his peers or, you know, just situations that I noticed, right? Like, and that's I don't know. It's profound, right? And just seeing that at work and seeing the value in that. And the way that he is, and I think it trickles down a little bit to to the girls and seeing him like in as a big brother and navigating some of those things. He's able to kind of coach them up a little bit sometimes and it's a beautiful thing to see, you know, it's really really is. And that again another example, well you know, gosh, I think this was last week. You know, Erika and I are home, it's late night. And so Leesie's chasing around and we're asking him like to just have a seat and just hang out for just a second. We were working on something else, I can't remember what it was. And so, of course, we're distracted. We're probably frustrated about what it is that we're trying to work on and we can't finish it. So then it's like, you know, it's noisy and it's almost bedtime. And yeah, I think every parent that's listening to this knows that landscape pretty well, so, it's like asking him to have a seat, his little sisters chasing him around and he doesn't have a seat and he's kind of running around but starting to walk a little bit more, maybe trying to see if his little sister will stop trying to play and chase and all of a sudden well she falls as she's trying to chase him and she slips and hits her head and she starts wailing. So then Erika and I do not respond well, as the way we should and we're mad at him for saying, well why didn't you listen when we told you to go sit down, now look at what happened? And so we go through that whole process. It's not, you know, he starts crying. He's unhappy that we're not happy with him. And so we get some space. And then we, that's the rupture piece and then we go repair and we're like, hey, bud, that was not your fault that she fell. It's not about you sitting down. You know, we're sorry we got upset like we get it. You're trying to either play or she keeps chasing you. So you're like not trying to figure out how to respond. It's almost bedtime. She doesn't have the best balance right now. You didn't really need to necessarily sit down. It was just us trying to concentrate on something else and that's not on you. So, we're sorry about that. And he said, it's all I love you no matter what and well that, that right there, right? Like and I've heard the girls say that too, and that's comes back to like, you know, again something that would that I would have never said probably four or five years ago was it's okay, you're not in trouble. I'm not mad at you. Hmm, right. Like something like that has changed the way I've addressed any, any sometimes those situations when sometimes, as a parent, you can you pretty much think, like no you might get in trouble, and I might be mad at you.
00:26:37 Alyssa
And I am mad at you!
00:26:41 Joel
I'm a salesperson right now. I'm going to try to sell that. I'm trying to sell it to myself, as much as I was trying to sell it to my kids. And don't get me wrong. There's been times when it's like, no like there is a consequence and I am mad and I gotta figure out how I'm gonna navigate this. But yeah, like that's those are just kind of some game changers, but definitely the gender thing like that just seeing JoJo respond, some of those situations as a boy. And then I think the girls like it just I don't know, I think like I said, coincidentally, I think by the time that Ellie was getting into that toddler phase and and she's so, you know that that opened up a that whole world for her and what that meant for the relationship that her and I had. And then you know that she had with Erika. Like I think it was just coincidental to where there really wasn't a way that we addressed Ellie or JoJo or Leesie, it was just we're trying to be appropriate in identifying not necessarily boy or girl, but we know the kind of kiddo that JoJo is and we know how he how he best response in situations and that's not necessarily the best way that Leesie responds or Ellie responds, but one thing that was tough for Erika and I was definitely JoJo being our first. And me again like both her and I coming in with all these biases that we had right and experiences that we had in the way that we were parented. Well, early on. It was either Erika trying to overcompensate because I would address JoJo a certain way or me trying to overcompensate in this way, so that we had to kind of work through that. And the way that hey, are we addressing our kiddos because of the insecurities that you and I have with each other becoming parents and trying to navigate all of this, or is it specifically to what is going on with our kiddos? Right? Like all of that came into play and there's a lot to unpack there and we had to work on it. We had to unpack it and I think, that's one of the toughest things because there is there is a level of saying like you've got to be committed to this right, like making the decision, being committed to it, and then seeing the success on the other side of it. And that's, that's, that's big time. That's big time. But once we were there and we're in that headspace, it was it was completely different. It was completely different. And we saw it in our kiddos and it was, you saw like and again they're resilient. They're more resilient than we are sometimes and that you know, all of that I guess. Just yeah, it opened up my eyes completely.
00:29:24 Alyssa
What was the turning point for you that led you to be like, ah, I want to take a look at what I'm bringing from childhood and maybe do some things differently. Like, was there a moment was there a thing or kind of what came up for you that you were like, I'm ready to dive into this other thing that and understand it.
00:29:44 Joel
I just I think there was definitely moments where I realized that if I didn't approach this differently, the impact that it's having on my relationship with Erika and my relationship with my kiddos and how I just approached. Everything. I mean, professionally too, if I didn't make a change in just my mindset and understanding exactly what's going on here. And why is it that I respond this way and it's not just a natural thing. And it's not just something that I can, I can just continue to do, I think, It was just, I don't know if it was one day to the next or just how it was. But I just realized that I needed to make a change because I could see the impact that it was having on my kiddos and I could see. That it was I needed to change my behavior. I needed to change my responses, I needed to change, I needed to add something that was going to be beneficial to me and my kiddos and my wife and I don't know. It just, I don't know if that explains it so much, right, but I like
00:31:06 Joel
I just, I realized that it was my behavior and and, and the way that I addressed it and again, I think Erika is definitely my better half. Probably better three quarters at most times but you know, she told me she's, you know, we talked about it. I remember this conversation like and you know how it is. I mean as parents and as you know, partners and stuff is just like you remember these deep conversations and profound conversations that changed the landscape, you know, we again, we were talking about it and all of us and she said, you know, think about what what I did at work and what I'm doing for kiddos. And the emotional intelligence that I have for the adults and the children in the community that I work for in the conversations that I have with them about all of that, like not respond, not reacting responding. How I have conversations with. Like, look, I want, you know, you're you're feeling a certain way because this is what's coming out for you. It's not that you're angry, is that you're hurt, it's that you're sad. It's that you're insecure. It's that you're feeling left out. It's that you're not angry about it. That's how it's going to come out. But that's secondary, right? I was able to do all of that for work. What when, you know, when I was a coach, the same way, right? Like it that would wait. That would be the way we talk to our athletes. I would be all that stuff. And it changed the relationships that I had with all of the kiddos that I interacted with the families that I interacted with of the teachers at work and all of that. But yeah, that wasn't the capacity sometimes that I or a lot of times that I wouldn't have at home.
00:32:50 Alyssa
It's so much harder to do for ourselves.
00:32:52 Joel
Sure. So, you know, and then so and Erika and I think talking about that. Just said, look, ah. I can do both and and I love what I do professionally because of the impact that it has on those relationships and that's what it's all about. Well I want the same for my family. I want the same thing at home. And I think that just changed it for me, that I didn't I did I, you know, everything that that that I learned and it's not to say that it was all just scrapped away. Right? But there's all those experiences that I had, I could channel that into now go, you know, working on this and make that impact on my kiddos and parent this way. And have that interaction with them. And, and once I, let go of the perfection piece, right? Just kind of what we talked about at the beginning. Once I let go of that, the peace that that brought was just like, okay. I don't need to be perfect at this. I don't need, my kiddo can have a meltdown and it's perfectly fine. We can be somewhere and my kiddo not respond appropriately or be upset about something that we didn't go back and get the water bottle and we're at you know somewhere and they're upset about it. Like it's okay. Like, it doesn't need to be, doesn't mean that I'm a bad parent, doesn't mean that my kiddos bad, it all of that. Once I let go of all that it just, I think it all, it all started to come together and again, I mean, this is It's a journey, it's a marathon. It's not a sprint for sure, but man, it feels nice to be in this spot now and approaching this way and it's so much nicer to be able to soak in these moments where because I'm not so focused on all the other stuff.
00:34:50 Alyssa
Yeah, oh it's so much nicer. I mean you're parenting from a place of connection now and that feels better for all of us. What it just as the final question for you when you are consuming information about this or just in the world of parenting and in respectful parenting, what message do you feel like is lacking in that world that maybe you needed before, maybe that you still need now? I guess what part of the real life experience isn't represented in the snapshots.
00:35:28 Joel
Sure, I think it might be the longevity behind this kind of approach in the fact that when our kiddos, our kiddos are going to be 25, 35, 45 a lot longer than they're going to be 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, right? Doesn't mean, never means that. Hey, like they're kiddos, they're going to have those experiences. They need these experiences, right? And go ahead and be a kiddo you don't need to be an adult yet, but these was that they're learning now and that emotional intelligence piece and being good with people and being good people and that connection piece and understanding people's responses and being kind with all that. I think understanding the longevity behind that and that a lot of times when they get out into quote-unquote the real world and they and they, you know, go out and start doing what it is that they're going to be doing and, and having that career and having those relationships when they get older, because it's all about interpersonal relationships, no matter where you go. That these skills and this emotional intelligence part of it is exactly what is always going to, that's what is going to be there with them, right? Like until until until, you know, whatever their their soul, right? Like it. Just those are the skills. I think that they need and is going to help them be successful. And that is how success can be measured but you know, it's hard sometimes because I think there's a lot of pressure there. There's a lot of pressure to to be a certain way or not be vulnerable or not be soft and but some of the toughest people I know are some of the most kind people that I know and that I think sometimes that's lacking. I think sometimes, there needs to be more comfort around that, I think there needs to be more, just a willingness to, to say that's what's effective being able to be good with people and good people and, you know, the skill set and the technical part of whatever it is that you want to do for for, you know, that you're going to enjoy and be passionate about all of that, you know, that will come. But the that part of the brain development piece is so crucial and it is, you know, people are not going to remember exactly like what you taught them or but they're gonna remember how you made them feel right? And that's all that I think is sometimes can get lost in a lot of this. But yeah.
00:38:15 Alyssa
Yeah, I think that's so true. And I agree. We're not raising, we're raising future adults and I don't need them to act like an adult tomorrow. I think recognizing that, yeah, these skills are there a part of living, what I would consider a successful life where we feel connected to each other. We can regulate, we can communicate. And that for me like, you know, I when I started doing Tiny Humans, Big Emotions as a live workshop. I started off and I used to ask folks. Like, what do you want for your kids when they are grown? Like what do you want for them and over and over and over number one was always happiness. Like I want them to be happy. I was like, man, I got some bad news. The key. They're never going to live with just happiness. Right? Like they're gonna experience a whole range of emotions and the key to, I think living the happiest most content or calm life is knowing what to do with all the other crap like knowing what to do with the hard stuff and yeah, I think that that's it's so much bigger than the eight-year-old in front of you, for me it's like what skill sets do I want them to have, as adults in relationship with others at work whatever it is. But yeah, no, thank you. I agree.
00:39:38 Alyssa
Thank you for hanging out and getting vulnerable.
00:39:41 Alyssa
Absolutely. Thank you.
00:39:43 Alyssa
I appreciate it.
00:39:44 Joel
Absolutely.
00:39:45 Alyssa
It's a true joy and privilege to get to be in your village.
00:39:51 Joel
It is, it is, yes. Thank you. Thank you for being part of it. We love you very, very much, and you're awesome. Y'all are amazing.
00:39:58 Alyssa
Thanks.
00:40:00 Alyssa
Thanks for tuning in to Voices of Your Village. Check out the transcript at voicesofyourvillage.com. Did you know that we have a special community over on Instagram hanging out every day with more free content? Come join us at seed.and.sew. Take a screenshot of you tuning in, share it on the gram and tag seed.and.sew to let me know your key takeaway. If you're digging this podcast, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode. We love collaborating with you to raise emotionally intelligent humans.
