How to Respond to Triggering Phrases Like, “I Hate You” with Rachel and Alyssa
0:00:00 Alyssa
You're listening to Voices of Your Village, and in this episode, Rach and I chatted all about when kids are saying like rude things to you, those hurtful phrases that really dig deep, things like, you're stupid and all that jazz, you're the worst mom in the world. We also have way more about this in our book, Big Kids, Bigger Feelings, publishing in the fall of 2025. Snag that bad boy wherever books are sold. It is going to be packed full of stuff for navigating the elementary years that like kindergarten to fifth grade range, where we know a lot of these phrases. You're like, where did my sweet little human go? And why are they saying these rude things now? We've got your back. All right, folks, let's dive in.
00:00:54 Alyssa
Hey there. I'm Alyssa Blask Campbell. I'm a mom with a master's degree in early childhood education and co -creator of the Collaborative Emotion Processing Method. I'm here to walk alongside you through the messy, vulnerable parts of being humans raising other humans with deep thoughts and actionable tips. Let's dive in together.
00:01:15 Alyssa
Well, this is fun. We get to hang instead of doing just a breakdown, do a full episode together, Rach.
00:01:22 Rachel
I know.
00:01:22 Alyssa
I'm stoked about this. And something that like, it's just so real, the like things that kids say that outside of the moment, we can laugh about, right, sometimes. But in the moment, when they say them, I immediately am like, oh, two can play this game. And like that's where I go to first is like combative, like on the aggression.
00:01:57 Rachel
Yeah, beast mode is what I call that.
00:01:59 Alyssa
Correct. Yeah. Like you're going to call me stupid or I'm the dumbest mom or I'm like, great, yeah. Have fun not getting anything from me then. Enjoy the rest of your day where you're just missing me because I'm not waiting on you. I'm not making your snack. I'm not whatever. How dumb am I now? How am I gonna meanest mom now? Right, like that's what happens for me first. Is that I want to rescind all available connection so that you feel the pain of what you just said.
00:02:34 Rachel
Yup
00:02:37 Alyssa
And then the second thing that comes up for me is how are you gonna exist in the world? What a spoiled brat. Like you cannot just be disrespectful to humans.
00:02:48 Rachel
Yeah, that comes up for me a lot in this.
00:02:51 Alyssa
No one's gonna wanna be your friend.
00:02:52 Rachel
In this age range that my kids are, particularly for Nora.
00:02:58 Alyssa
Yeah. And then sometimes I can get to the place of like, oh yeah, this is not about the words that they're saying.
00:03:10 Rachel
Yeah, I can arrive there too. The speed at which I arrived there can vary.
00:03:16 Alyssa
For sure varies.
00:03:17 Rachel
Quite a lot.
00:03:22 Alyssa
But when I think about this, you know, those phrases that are just like, they cut you. It's just hurtful and where it seems like they're ungrateful. Hit me with some common ones in your household right now. I feel like you got some good one -liners that come out of those kids.
00:03:36 Rachel
Yeah. So Nora was the queen of one -liners for a long time and she would say that it was never going to be my birthday or like I was the meanest mom on the earth. Abel used to tell me he was gonna throw me in a dumpster. And like, I, part of me was like, wow, that's kind of funny. And the other part of me was like, are you effing kidding me? I do everything for you. And you're telling me you're gonna throw me in a dumpster because we're in Target and I'm not buying you the matchbox car that you want? Like.
00:04:08 Alyssa
The punishment does not fit the crime.
00:04:10 Rachel
We were in the car the other day and I said something that like irritated Nora. I don't remember what it was. I think I like repeated something she said that I thought was funny and she didn't like it because embarrassment is a trigger for her. And Cody was like trying to lighten the mood and he's like, Nora, just love your mom. And Nora was like, well, it's hard when she acts like that. Oh, burn.
00:04:36 Alyssa
Oh my gosh. It's so real. And like, for me, it's this balance of how do I, with all skills, right? Like how do I respond in the moment? And then outside of the moment, what are we going to talk about the same with like, if somebody hits somebody or hurts them or whatever, the same thing with words or hurtful phrases that in the moment, what that means is they're experiencing a feeling or some sort of dysregulation that they don't yet know what else to do with. They don't have another skill to turn to. They don't know how else to communicate their pain, their fear, their embarrassment, their disappointment, their sadness. And so it comes out with these hurtful phrases.
00:05:26 Rachel
Yeah, I think part of it for me is like the detective work of like, what's actually going on here? And with Nora, it's almost always like restraint collapse from holding it together for everybody else in her life. And then she's like total beast for me. And so it's like, I know that,
00:05:45 Alyssa
Congrats
00:05:45 Rachel
Right? So it's like, I know that she knows how to move through the world in a pro -social way. So that's not my fear with her. My fear is, or my concern and my goal is for her to know how to be in communication with her safe people in a way that's still kind and respectful even when you are having a difficult feeling.
00:06:10 Alyssa
Same. Same goal.
00:06:10 Rachel
And frankly, I don't always model this for her. Right? So it's like, I can't expect perfection out of her when I am still a crank ass when I'm PMSing. And, right?
00:06:24 Alyssa
Totally.
00:06:25 Rachel
But we do this. We're like, no, you will respect me. You will speak kindly to me regardless of what's going on under the surface. And then it's like, okay, but she just heard me snap at her dad. And then when she asked me for something, I snapped at her. And it's like, if I'm allowed to have a time where I can't access regulation and I'm crabby, how can I expect differently from her?
00:06:49 Alyssa
Yeah. She's also allowed to have that time.
00:06:51 Rachel
She's human.
00:06:52 Alyssa
But I agree. I think you just hit on something that is often missing from the conversation that having safe people doesn't mean we get to be rude to them all the time because there are safe people to break down to, right? Where like, yeah, I hold it together at work or I've had a long day and then Zach gets the worst of me. I can't do that every day and still continue to be in a respectful relationship with him.
00:07:21 Rachel
Right.
00:07:21 Alyssa
Just like he is not allowed to do that either. He's not allowed to hold it together during the day for everybody else and for the kids and then just be really rude to me all night. And I think that's something that's often left off the table in this conversation is like we are aware that we get the meltdown and the breakdown and the hard parts of our kids and our partners of where they're safe people. But I think that there is also room for conversation around communicating with each other, even when we're having a hard time, right? One way I'm thinking of this with Zach and I is that I have learned that I am not my kindest when we are getting out the door to go on any sort of trip. Like we're going to my parents for the holidays or whatever, the like hour and a half to two hours leading up to us actually pulling out of the driveway, I'm not very kind. And so what I've learned after a million times of messing this up, a million times of just like being rude, getting in a fight with Zach as we're getting out the door, then sitting in silence or him sitting in silence and me continuing to be rude for the first chunk of our trip or whatever, after many a times of that, I have realized I need to say as little as possible and so I will. It's almost like the silent treatment preemptively where I'm like, I know that I can only communicate necessities with you right now because everything else that's going to come out of my mouth is so unfiltered and I need to just be quiet in order to be kind. And then once we're on the trip and we're in the car, if I've done that and I haven't totally just like thrown shit at our relationship, then it's pretty easy for us, like then we're like moving and we're grooving. I'm like, okay, and then I settle in and then I can like be a more regulated human. It's that transition of like, is everything packed? Do we have everything we need to do? And then immediately I go into like, well, I'm the only one who would know because I'm the one who carried all this like mental load and labor and whatever, which also frankly isn't true, but in the moment it feels so true. And I'm like, oh yeah, oh, we don't have food for the car because guess what? Because I didn't plan it, no one else did and no one else would, right? Like all those things come up for me. And I can just say so many hurtful, rude things in a matter of 14 seconds that I just need to be quiet. And that's one of those for me, like if most likely Beans is potentially going to inherit this trait, then what I want her to know is that sometimes saying nothing as you move through your dysregulation is more important and powerful than saying all the things. And that's how we're kind to each other. Because this really isn't about the other person, it's that you're dysregulated moving through this transition.
00:10:50 Rachel
Yeah, so that's my challenge with Nora, is like being in close relationship and also knowing like, something that's helpful for me with her is knowing like embarrassment is one of her absolute biggest triggers. So if she's feeling embarrassed, she goes defensive.
00:11:09 Alyssa
Same with Sagey.
00:11:09 Rachel
So it's like, it's even just like my tone will impact the trajectory. Like if I'm like, Nora, that's enough. You need to speak kindly to me. She's like, okay. But if I'm like, hey, Nora, I really, really don't like it when you speak to me like that. I need you to speak to me with kindness. Then it's more like a uhh, okay. So it's like learning that about your kid's nervous system, which takes some like trial and error, can have a huge impact on how it shakes out. And frankly, half the time, I'm not regulated enough to be like, okay, she feels embarrassed. Let me change my tone. I'm just like, you better cut it out, you know what I mean?
00:11:52 Alyssa
100%. Well, that's the tricky part of like hurtful phrases when kids say things, is that we get triggered, right? And so in order to respond to what's actually driving the behavior, we have to be able to see beyond the behavior and get curious. And that requires us to notice our own dysregulation, regulate, and respond with intention. And y 'all, we're not going to do that 100 % of the time. There is this thing, this is one of my, I will like die on this hill. This is one of my pet heaves of like parenting influencers, of which we probably would be lumped into, but it is the like idea that you practice this enough times that like you might have that initial internal reaction of annoyed and whatever, but that you'll get to a place where when you feel that, you notice it, you take your space, you calm your body, you rewrite that script for yourself and you respond with intention. And then you're going to do that all the time. And I'm just like, bullshit. Also, it's just not the goal. Then you're going to spend so much time living with guilt or feeling like you're not doing a good enough job and you're failing your kids because you're just human and you're showing them that, yeah, everybody makes mistakes and today I made some.
00:13:17 Rachel
I think that is key is like if we are striving for perfection then what we're modeling to our kids is that you're only good enough if you're perfect and that's not a message that we want to be sending to kids or ourselves frankly.
00:13:31 Alyssa
A hundred percent and I think both can be true here of like I want to help you build the skill set for speaking kindly to us and I don't want to like condone this behavior and just like allow it time and time again.
00:13:51 Rachel
Totally.
00:13:52 Alyssa
And I think that's where we can get caught up. And similarly, we're like, if a kid hit me across the face, I wouldn't be like, yeah, they can just keep hitting me while I'm here. Like because they're dysregulated, they can keep hitting me until they're calm and we'll work on the hitting outside that. No. I would hold their hand and say, won't let you hurt my body. I would stop them. I would either remove myself, remove them if need be. I would stop the physical portion of this and then move into holding space for them. And ultimately, once we're regulated and outside the moment, talk about the behavior piece and like, oh man, when your body felt out of control, when you were feeling embarrassed, you were hitting my body. I won't let you hurt me. Let's think of some things that we can do when you start to notice you're feeling embarrassed, right? And like we can build those skills outside the moment, but same with hurtful phrases where, just like you said, like, Nora, I need you to speak to me kindly. Even shifting that into a boundary of like, hey, I would love to stay here and chat with you if you're speaking kindly to me. If you aren't able to be kind right now, let's take some space and we'll come back to this when you're ready.
00:15:04 Rachel
Yeah.
00:15:04 Alyssa
We're like, you're not in trouble. I'm not ignoring you. And I'm not going to allow you to slap me across the face, right? Like I'm not going to sit here while you are just saying hurtful phrases because you're dysregulated. No. I want you to notice what this feels like, learn some skills for regulation, and I can co -create that with you, and then we can come back to the table when we're not verbally hitting, if you will.
00:15:30 Rachel
Right. Yeah. And here's how that sometimes shakes out here for people who maybe have older kids and are like, hmm. So Nora, for example, if I'm like, okay, I'm not going to have this conversation if you're going to speak to me like that. She'll usually have some kind of snappy one -liner that's like, well, if you weren't speaking to me like that, you know, something like that.
00:15:51 Alyssa
If you weren't so dumb, I wouldn't have to speak to you like this.
00:15:53 Rachel
If you didn't have such a bad attitude, that's one thing that she loves to say to me. And honestly, usually I am having a bad attitude. But that aside, I will either take space from her or ask her to take space like one of our rules in our family is like you're not allowed to be in a common space of the house if you are not treating people with kindness and respect so sometimes that means that I'm like hey you gotta go take space and she will communicate her rage to me by slamming her door repeatedly at which point I will have to hold the door in place until the wave of rage passes through her and then we're able to reconnect. But just wanted to share that for anybody who's like, yeah, cool. I can tell my kid all day that they have to take space if they're not being kind. And here's what happens, like same. She's not just like, OK, I'll go sit in my room until I can be kind. Like, she's still mad. And there's a way to navigate it that still upholds that boundary. And in this house, it means that I stand outside her door and hold the doorknob. There have been times where I've said things like, hey, if you slam your door until the point that it breaks,
00:17:03 Alyssa
I'm taking it off the hinges.
00:17:03 Rachel
I'm not replacing it. I'm not gonna replace it. So you're putting your privacy at stake here. So you can choose if being able to close your door and have time by yourself is a value for you, you might wanna cut the shit.
00:17:18 Alyssa
Yeah, I, thank you for that distinction because I also feel like people, when we talk about setting and holding boundaries, that people are like, yeah, okay, my kid's not just going to do that. It's like, yeah, mine either.
00:17:34 Rachel
Correct.
00:17:34 Alyssa
They're not like, oh, thanks, mom. I see that you have my best interest at heart and thank you so much for looking out for me. I'm going to go. You know what? I do need to take some space. Thank you so much. Just like if in the moment when I'm being a beast to Zach as we're trying to get out the door, if he was like, hey, I am gonna take space from you until you can be kind to me, immediately what comes up is more rage. Like I will just double down and he walks away and I'm like, excuse me, no. And I will follow him and continue to rage, right? Like he then he just won't respond this happened very early in our relationship where I remember getting into an argument with him and I started to yell and he just left where we were and went home and I was like, I is not how this works. I yell, you yell, I yell. Yeah at some point somebody stops and then we're done with the yelling. But he was just like, yeah, I'm not gonna engage in conversation with you if you're yelling at me.
00:18:46 Rachel
Yeah.
00:18:48 Alyssa
And I had to like learn what it looked like to be in relationship without that.
00:18:53 Rachel
Oh, our marital counselor had to teach me how to do that. Like I loved early in our marriage. So Cody is somebody who needs time to process, first of all.
00:19:05 Alyssa
Same, ugh, married one, and not same me, I mean a married one.
00:19:08 Rachel
Right, exactly, I know. And also, if a conflict is reaching a certain level, he's just like, I'm out, I'm not doing this. I, early in our marriage, was like, oh no, you're in. We are doing this, I'm gonna chase you down. If you walk away from me, I'm gonna get so much more angry, and I'm gonna weaponize that, which is totally an anxious response.
00:19:35 Alyssa
Oh, 100%.
00:19:36 Rachel
It's not, it's like, I'm afraid of a lot of -
00:19:37 Alyssa
It's a power and control thing, where I'm like, wait, no, no, no.
00:19:40 Rachel
If we don't resolve this -
00:19:41 Alyssa
Now you just have control. Yeah.
00:19:42 Rachel
Yeah. Or if we don't resolve this now, this could be a real issue. We don't see eye to eye on this. So I would literally, you said you would follow Zach, I have memories early in our marriage of basically chasing him down a hallway and him being like, stop chasing me. I'm done with this conversation right now. And I, being young in this marriage, when we entered into therapy, was so self -righteous about it. And I was like, yeah, he walks away and refuses to -
00:20:17 Alyssa
He just leaves conflict. He just avoids it.
00:20:19 Rachel
Yeah, he avoids conflict. He's afraid to talk about his feelings. And the counselor was like, what happens if you give him a little time and space? I'm like, yeah, eventually he's ready to talk about it. But like, that could take hours like that. And the guy was like -
00:20:35 Alyssa
Who knows what could happen in that time.
00:20:37 Rachel
The counselor was like, yeah, it seems like he processes differently than you.
00:20:44 Alyssa
Yeah, I just had a flashback to Zach being in the shower because I wouldn't leave him alone, he got in the shower and me standing in the bathroom and just going. And he's not saying anything. No. He's not responding.
00:20:54 Rachel
Also, he doesn't need to because you're filling the space.
00:20:56 Alyssa
No, I got all of it. This is a monologue, it's so true. But so when I think of my kids saying hurtful phrases, right? That they have to learn how to navigate their emotions and be in conflict without being in these reactive states and it's a skillset we have to develop. That it's not something you just get to. Like they are going to have to learn, oh, this is what it feels like in my body when I need to have this conversation right now and I can't stop and I'm gonna be so rude and whatever. This is what it feels like and here is what I can do next instead of exploding on the person around me, right? Like legit, still building some of those skills over here,
00:21:52 Rachel
Same.
00:21:52 Alyssa
Like, did research in this, have a master's degree, still building some of these skills. And so really giving them grace that, yes, we also want to create a culture in which kids don't get to just be rude to us because we're their safe people. And they have to, there's like mini stones to milestones there. And that it's not going to be something where they learn it and they always have access to it. Right? Like I have access to different levels of my skills, depending on how regulated I am. How much did I sleep? What else is going on in my life? What are we trying to do right now? When was the last time I ate, right? Like all those things, when we think of our book and the FACTS that we outlined of like start here, all those are gonna factor into what do they have access to in this moment? And how do we, outside the moment, help support those foundations so they have more capacity to be able to navigate the hard?
00:22:56 Rachel
Yeah, one other thing that came up while you were talking about that, you know, it's kind of like we have to work against the culture that we live in to accomplish this, but to be able to be in conflict in a pro -social way, A, requires knowing that conflict is just part of relationship and not something to be avoided, and B requires vulnerability, because it's a lot easier to say, shut up, I hate you and storm away than it is to say, I'm disappointed.
00:23:24 Alyssa
I feel left out.
00:23:25 Rachel
Correct. Correct. And so I think those skills get built outside of the moment. And I think what's been most impactful for my children in our daily life is to see me trying to model that in my relationship with Cody, because like Nora, for instance, like vulnerability is super hard for her. So for me to be like, hey, instead of slamming your door, you can say X, Y, Z. She's like, yeah, cool. My nervous system's not down for that. Instead for her to see it over and over and over again and have it be normalized that like when dad and I get pissed at each other, here's what we say. It's hard, especially ... Growing up, I was encouraged to avoid conflict at all costs, so it's hard for me to even be like, you did this and it hurt my feelings. That is hard for me to say.
00:24:25 Alyssa
100%.
00:24:25 Rachel
I don't want it to be hard for my kids to say that, so I want them to see it over and over and over and over again. But yeah, vulnerability is hard.
00:24:35 Alyssa
It's so hard. And you're right, like when we can model it, and even breaking that down of like, can you as an adult say that? Can you say, you did this and it hurt my feelings to your partner in front of your kid? If not, maybe just start with those things, right? Of like, what can we model? What can we do? Also from a capacity standpoint, Zach had at one point said to me something about when Sagey, like his first six months of being alive, where he was like, oh yeah, I just swept a bunch of stuff under the rug there and was like, whatever that. And I was like, what do you mean? He was like, oh yeah, well, you were transitioning into motherhood, raging hormones, sleep deprived, trying to figure out like feeding a kid with your body, like all these things. He was like, you were often like ruder to me than normal or snappier or whatever. And he was like, it was one of those things where I wasn't going to pick apart all those pieces because I knew it wasn't who you really were. And it was more like you're doing the best you can in this season right now. And he was like, my time limit for myself was like six months. If she's still being really rude to me in six months, then we'll address it. But like for the first six months of this transition, she just might be ruder than normal. And as long as it's not something that's gonna stay, he was like, I figured I could just sweep it under the rug and like not expect as much really from me where he just gave me so much more grace and how cool that is and how much we don't do that with kids, right? Where like just the other day, I was so tired and I was laying down on my mother -in -law's basement floor as my kids were playing around me. And they were both trying to get my attention and connection, and I had nothing to give. And I said something about like, oh yeah, mom of the year award over here. I'm just so tired. And my father -in -law was like, yeah, of course you are. And just listed off all the things that I've been doing and that I am doing on a daily basis. And he was like, that's exhausting. I was like, oh my gosh, thank you.
00:26:56 Rachel
Yeah, and I think like it's good for your kids to also witness that like one thing that's come up lately when my kids have conflict with each other which generally happens around bedtime or after we've done something out of routine is like One of them will come tell me what it's happened and I'll listen and say like, okay yeah, I'll chat with them in a little bit and they'll be like no talk to her now and explaining like yeah, buddy if I talk to her now it's not going to accomplish what I want to accomplish. We're all really tired. It's 8:30. We just got back from a school event. You guys are usually asleep by now. I'm not gonna have this conversation with Nora until the morning after she slept. And just modeling for them too, that like it might not get resolved right away and it's uncomfortable, right? Cause he's like, well, mom, if you don't talk to her right now, she's gonna think that it's fine to take my stuff, right? Like, that's his...
00:27:51 Alyssa
Hilarious.
00:27:52 Rachel
And I'm like, okay, if I talk to her right now, her brain is not even, like, turned on. The cognitive part of her brain is offline. We're not going anywhere with this right now. Like, the girl needs sleep. You need sleep. I need sleep. But helping kids understand that sometimes, in conflict resolution, it's not happening right away. And it's okay for that to be the case. Not that I'm going to let her continue, like I'm going to block her behavior and say like, yeah, no, you're not going to take his stuff right now, but I'm not going to talk to her about the behavior until she's in a regulated state where what I'm trying to teach her and the pro social alternatives that I give her will actually be taken in.
00:28:37 Rachel
A hundred percent. And you can even add as kids get older, like we can talk about this tomorrow after we've slept, but like, I'm not, you're going to stop the behavior. I won't let you take his things. we're going to get ready for bed. Everyone's super tired. We're going to come back to this tomorrow.
00:28:52 Rachel
Yep.
00:28:53 Alyssa
And like keeping it short and sweet. Yeah. But that's where people I think feel like, because we've grown up so much in a punishment reward society, that there's this fear of, if I don't tackle this behavior and shut it down right now and like punish it or talk about it or whatever, they're going to see it as like, I'm condoning it. And what's huge here, again, coming back to the FACTS that we wrote about in our book, of like, when those foundational needs aren't met, it can't sink in, right? Like they can't take that in, just like when I'm in beast mode, and we're trying to get out the door. If I just get out the door and I'm through the transition, I can have a more productive conversation. And Zach also, in the early days, learned like, don't say anything to her, she's in beast mode. And then once we're in the car, and we're like into this trip, and she chills out, finally, then he would say like, Hey, I didn't like how you were talking to me, you can feel overwhelmed getting out the door and be kind to me. And I'm like, yeah, okay, yeah, sure. But if he said that to me in the moment, I can't take it in, I'm going to continue to be reactive. It's like my nervous system regulation has to come first. And same with our kids, their nervous system regulation has to come first. I have said to Sagey, until we have eaten lunch, or until we've had snack, I'm not going to continue having this conversation. I love you. And we all need food in order to be kind.
00:30:37 Rachel
Yeah. I've told both of my kids at different times.
00:30:40 Alyssa
And it doesn't mean he stops.
00:30:42 Rachel
No.
00:30:42 Alyssa
It's not like he's like, okay, I'll wait till after lunch.
00:30:47 Rachel
No, 100%. One thing that I have said to both of my kids at different times is, your sibling already knows they're not supposed to do that. They already know. They are not able to stop themselves at this time. Because they just really want justice to be delivered on their timeline.
00:31:10 Alyssa
All of us.
00:31:12 Rachel
Right?
00:31:12 Alyssa
That's why I stood in the bathroom as Zach showered, continuing to spew crap.
00:31:20 Rachel
Yeah. And I don't know what it is, but my kids want to witness the...
00:31:24 Alyssa
Of course.
00:31:25 Rachel
And I'm like, guys, this is not... My priority is not for you to have your feelings of justice delivered right now. Like, that's not the goal.
00:31:35 Alyssa
They're like, but that's my priority.
00:31:38 Rachel
They're like that's my goal, actually.
00:31:42 Alyssa
I grew up very much where my, in my household, my older brother was like, the closest in age to me, he's four years older than me, was the one who I got in the most, like, fights with like a verbal, and stuff, I, he would say stuff I'd be like, Mom, he said, blah, blah, blah. And she would be like, just ignore him. And then my comeback ended up being like, don't raise a jerk and I wouldn't have to ignore him. And it really was the like, I don't feel seen in this. I feel like I'm the victim. And as long as he's still walking around being a jerk, I feel like nobody sees me. And so I think when it is like that sibling conflict, I think really what I wanted was for my mom to say, that's really hurtful to hear. It's not true. He's having a hard time because he's hungry, because he's overwhelmed or something's going on for him. I'm gonna help him figure it out separately. I'm sorry that happened.
00:32:53 Rachel
Just validating that experience.
00:32:55 Alyssa
Yeah, and that like, it's not a true thing about you. This is about him being dysregulated.
00:33:01 Rachel
Yeah.
00:33:02 Alyssa
Like when he told me that he paid Ali Tigh to come over and be my friend and play with me.
00:33:09 Rachel
Beast mode.
00:33:10 Alyssa
So rude. She's only here because I paid her.
00:33:14 Rachel
Oh, that would have so gotten under my skin as a kid. Like...
00:33:17 Alyssa
Oh, it did.
00:33:19 Rachel
Big time. It's always triage, right, too, and you're like dealing with... Like it's one thing if it's like one kid saying one rude thing to you and you like, you know, you're responding to that kid. But like, if it's like multiple kids were like saying shit to each other and it's like the triage of like, often, honestly, for me, in this family of mine, it's the perpetrating child that needs me more.
00:33:42 Alyssa
A hundred percent. Almost always. Right? Because that's the kid who's spiraling.
00:33:47 Rachel
Right. But then the receiver is like, are you kidding me? How's it feel having a favorite child?
00:33:53 Rachel
A hundred percent. And that's where I was like, Andrew never gets in trouble. He gets to do whatever he wants. Like whatever. Right? And that's where I just needed that like sentence of validation and like, I see you and this sucks. It's not actually about you. And I'm gonna go help them separately.
00:34:11 Rachel
And I think that if you're dealing with one child and they're saying something rude to you, saying that to yourself, like this isn't about me. Whatever this kid is saying is not about me.
00:34:23 Alyssa
Yeah. And isn't even a reflection of who they are.
00:34:27 Rachel
No, it's a reflection of them being dysregulated.
00:34:31 Alyssa
Correct. Yeah.
00:34:32 Rachel
Or needing to know a different way to go about this.
00:34:36 Alyssa
Yeah. And that's where the still learning thing comes up for me of, what are they still learning? I was still, for a long time, learning what to do when I'm transitioning for a road trip. And it doesn't mean that I do it right all the time. and it doesn't mean that I feel zen while I'm doing it. It just means that what I have learned at this point that I can tap into most of the time now is that if I'm quiet during this, it will get better and I will get back to feeling calm. But that saying less in these moments is powerful for my family. And like, that was my still learning. And I think that phrase is so helpful in our household, of like, what are they still learning? Not with the goal of you're going to reach it with perfection ever, but even just that like, oh yeah, that's something that's harder for their body. Like feeling left out or embarrassed, feeling left out or like excluded is the one I wanted, for Beans will probably be two harder emotions that she'll have to learn to navigate than they are for Sagey. He's like, can you just leave me out?
00:35:59 Rachel
He's like, actually, I'd prefer to be left out.
00:36:03 Alyssa
And so like, there are gonna be things that like she's going to be working on and still learning or that are gonna be more challenging there for her versus for him, there are things that are more challenging because of who they are in the world.
00:36:17 Rachel
Totally. And that's where I think like doing the observation of your children to get a grip on like, how does their body move through this world? The other day in the car, sometimes the kids will play these questions where it's like, which would you rather? And Abel's was like, mom, would you rather be lonely? Or, and it was some other thing that also sounded terrible to me. And I was like, really like going back and forth. And I'm like, I don't know, buddy, that's a tough one. What about you? And he's like, lonely. Like, I just play by myself. I actually like that. I'm like, yeah, okay, we are such different humans, like, loneliness.
00:36:57 Alyssa
Yeah, you and Nora are like, cannot relate.
00:36:59 Rachel
Please don't make me be lonely, please. But I think knowing that about our kids, it doesn't mean that they never savor things or have hard behaviors, but I think it does give you a perspective of, like, more compassion towards it when it's happening.
00:37:17 Alyssa
And just like, what's really hard for them, and that might be something that's different from what's really hard for you.
00:37:23 Rachel
Right, yeah.
00:37:24 Alyssa
Whatever that might be, process. Let's give folks some, so one of the things we were talking about is how like, I wanna do less of the like, here's what you can say or do, and more of the like, let's understand how our bodies work and how our kids' bodies work. So one of the resources I wanna share with folks is our Seed Quiz. If you go to seedquiz.com, it's a regulation quiz. And starting in spring of 2025 here, you can take it for any age child and an adult, and it's totally free, seedquiz.com. If you want more in -depth analysis and be able to do sensory match and mismatch stuff and see some videos on implementation of all this, there's a paid option, but you can absolutely do this fully for free for everyone in your household. You can do it with your child. They can answer the questions themselves if you wanna do it that way, and you can do it for yourself to just start to understand your nervous systems a bit more and be able to work toward some regulation, both proactively, so we have more capacity, and then in the moment, how do you regulate and what does it look like to help that unique human regulate so that you can even get to the point of talking about the behavior or what else you can do. Can you hit us, Rach, with a couple key phrases that y 'all use in your household in the moment, or even maybe a hot mix of what to say out loud and what to say internally to yourself when you're hearing these things from your children?
00:39:08 Rachel
We do a lot of, I'm going to take space. I will say, I'm happy to talk about this, but I'm not going to talk until we can be kind to each other.
00:39:22 Alyssa
Love that one.
00:39:25 Rachel
Things that I say to myself, to try to regulate or stay calm is like, this isn't about me. I'll tell myself, I'll literally say to myself inside my head, like, don't take this personally.
00:39:39 Alyssa
She will have friends down the road.
00:39:42 Rachel
Yeah, he won't be a pathological liar or thief. Those are really the main ones. The most impactful thing for both of my children is to have the ability and the reminder and the help from me if they need it to take space to cool down before we move forward. And Abel really will do this independently. Loves to be lonely, as he says, he'll go into his room and lock the door and go under his bed.
00:40:17 Alyssa
Your connection seeker is like the last thing I want to be is lonely.
00:40:20 Rachel
Totally It's like so hard for her to--
00:40:23 Alyssa
You know what I think too, Rach, I'm thinking about you and I and how we're both also connection seeking humans and how a part of it for me is in walking away from the conflict is my fear that our disconnection won't be repaired that if I walk away now, we're just gonna maintain this like disconnection that we're experiencing in the moment. And so I wonder if it might be helpful for kids who are those connection -seeking kids, who are like, I don't wanna be lonely, I wanna keep going, to hear that I love you and we're gonna work through this. I need a small break until we can be kind to each other to keep going and figuring this out, or something like that, but that validation around like, I love you, and we are gonna figure this out.
00:41:17 Rachel
Yeah, one thing, that is a phrase actually that we use a lot, that nothing you do or don't do will change how much I love you. And nothing you say will change how much I love you. And of course then the kids are like, but what if I was a murderer? You know, they love to really test that theory. But I think kids do need, especially kids who are connection -seeking, who struggle to be alone, if they are being made to take space, that reassurance of like, our relationship is not fractured by this, I just like, need a minute, is important.
00:41:58 Alyssa
Yeah, I feel like that's what I needed to know when Zach's in the shower and I'm standing in the bathroom.
00:42:04 Rachel
Yeah. Or like when I'm chasing, I'm running down a hallway trying to chase Cody.
00:42:08 Alyssa
If they were just like, hey, we're gonna still be married. We're gonna figure this out. I just need a little break for my brain to process all this so that we can be kind to each other. And here's your outlet for it. I also like, I early on was like, okay, if you're gonna need that amount of time to process, I'm an auditory processor. So I was like, can I reach out to Rachel or whatever and process this? And he was like, yeah, go ahead. And so I had the permission from him to like, okay, I do have a space where I can process. And I would just reach out and I'd be like, Zach's the worst, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? And like be able to spew it and have you be my sounding board and be able to see me through it. So that then as he's regulating, I actually was also regulating, but I needed an outlet for it. And so I think even like, even journaling or a voice note, or if there's someone that you can like spew to to have access to that.
00:43:12 Rachel
Yeah. The one other thing that just came up for me that I will say to my kids when there's conflict either between me and my child or between my two children is just to say like, hey, we're on the same team.
00:43:25 Alyssa
We use that one a lot.
00:43:26 Rachel
We're on the same team. Just so that they know like no matter what is going down, it's never like, it's never me versus you. We're not against each other. We have the same goals here.
00:43:37 Alyssa
You know what I often get in response?
00:43:40 Rachel
No we're not.
00:43:42 Alyssa
Correct. More yelled at me like, we're not on the same team, or you're not on my team, or I don't want to be on your team.
00:43:51 Rachel
Oh man, yeah. I get a lot of like, Nora loves to say stuff to me that like, what did I say to her the other day? Oh, there was going to be a Christmas party and it was going to be like late in the evening and I was like, no, the way that you're talking and acting is making me think you might be too tired for the Christmas party. She was like, I don't want to go to the Christmas party.
00:44:10 Alyssa
You're like, well, you have to go to the Christmas party. There's a family friend story in Zach's family of this family that was camping and the oldest was just like, bein' a pain, there was stuff going on. And mom was like, you have to sleep in the van. And he was like, well, I want to sleep in the van. And she was like, well, you can't sleep in the van. And we'll do that in our household. Whatever you want, you can't have it.
00:44:39 Rachel
Oh man
00:44:41 Alyssa
Oh my gosh, it's so real. Yeah. Well, I don't want to go to the Christmas party. Well, you have to go to the Christmas party.
00:44:48 Rachel
And it's like she does want to go because obviously her social cup is never filled, but she wants to make sure that I know that she's in control.
00:44:57 Alyssa
Yeah. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Totally. Totally. Oh, man. Being in relationship with other humans is hard and messy.
00:45:07 Rachel
Oh, it totally is, and like, just when you think you're like, all right, I've got a grip on this, like, they change. You know? Their brains change. And it's like, all right. Now we start again, and I'm getting curious now about this behavior, and I wonder what this might be connected to, and...
00:45:26 Alyssa
Yeah.
00:45:27 Rachel
It's a journey. Just...
00:45:28 Alyssa
It's a journey, and if you have older kids, like that kindergarten to fifth grade range, we have a book, Rach and I, that we are coming out with, Big Kids, Bigger Feelings, is publishing in fall of 2025, and you can snag that bad boy. It dives into a lot of this, the snarky comments, the sassiness, the snippiness, the understanding what's coming up for us and also what's happening for them. So you can snag that pre -order wherever books are sold, Big Kids Bigger Feelings, and snag it once it's coming out here. Thanks for doing this with me, Rach.
00:46:07 Rachel
Thanks.
00:46:09 Alyssa
Thanks for tuning in to Voices of Your Village. Check out the transcript at voicesofyourvillage.com. Did you know that we have a special community over on Instagram hanging out every day with more free content? Come join us at @seed.and.sew S -E -W. Take a screenshot of you tuning in, share it on the ‘Gram and tag @seed.and.sew to let me know your key takeaway. If you're digging this podcast, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode. We love collaborating with you to raise emotionally intelligent humans.
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